Are You Being Triangulated? (A Common Manipulation Technique in Relationships) – Teal Swan


triangulation is one of the
most common forms of social manipulation dynamics it’s super common
in the workplace and it’s the preferred
tactic for haters but here’s the thing, every one of us is
engaged in triangulation at some point in our lives. Are You Being Triangulated? triangulation occurs when instead of communicating
with someone directly we go to another
third person to talk about
that person or complain
against them with the subconscious
intention (sometimes conscious intention) of getting them to side with
us against the other person. we may use them as an in
between to relay information to the person we have
a conflict with as well. but this is not the same
thing as an intermediary because the subconscious intention
in triangulation is to divide. we’re using one person
against the other. subconsciously we think our
only way of maintaining our self concept of
being a good person is to get the other person to
validate that we are the one that is the good
one in the conflict. the way to do this
is to get the person to have an issue with the person
we have an issue with too. we have decided that the best way
to get somebody to decide with us is if they’ll see
us as a victim. we live in a society
that sees the victim as the good guy
in all scenarios so, the way that we preserve
our self concept and get them
to side with us is to see us as good and
see the other one as bad because it’s so important
to be the victim in order to be
seen as good we have several strategies
for looking like the victim even in situations where
we’re really not the victim to understand more about this
I want you to watch a video the first video is: “The Triangle From Hell”
(the Victim/Villain/Hero Dynamic) and the second is: The Victim Control Dynamic (Escaping Control Drama in Relationships) I highly suggest you
watch these videos to gain full awareness
of these patterns most people, frankly have no idea that their
being triangulated for one glaring reason, the reason is that the person
that is doing the triangulating is never gonna come
outright and say: “I want you to turn
against this person” instead they’re gonna make
it seem exactly the opposite. they’re gonna be
covert about it. they will gaslight, lie
and do anything that makes it
look otherwise so as to never have
their tactic which is often highly
subconscious, be seen and the most common
camouflage they use is other people’s insecurities. as people we are incredibly
skilled at creating transactions in order to get
our needs met. we have a sixth sense for what
other people’s unmet needs are because we know that by
meeting those needs we can hook them into
meeting our needs as the exchange. but right here is where we have the
fertile ground for manipulation wherever we have
an intense need to the flip side of that we
have an intense insecurity. for example if it’s an intense
need to belong, it comes along with an intense
fear of not belonging if we’re really good
at triangulating what we’re
gonna do is we’re gonna play the
person’s insecurities against the person who we have
the original conflict with. at the same time
as we do that, we’re gonna give
that person who we’re triangulating
against the other person, the impression that we’re
gonna be the ones to meet their unmet need this is especially easy to do
when people are lonely when this is
the case, all we have to do
is give the person we’re subconsciously
trying to triangulate the impression that they can
have the closeness with us through opposing
the other person it is to find unity through
a common enemy. it is to use division with someone to
gain closeness with someone else. the reason that the person
who is being triangulated hardly ever sees what’s
actually going on is because the person
who is triangulating is going to camouflage
their own triangulation underneath an insecurity,
a wound or an unmet need that that person already has with the person their trying to
triangulate that person against what they’re doing essentially is
to make a crack, a grand canyon this gets the person
doing the triangulating the validation in their
feeling of being a victim and the validation
that their claims against the one being triangulated
against are credible. but the person being triangulated
isn’t aware of any of that what they are aware
of is that this “crack” which is now a
grand canyon defiantly existed way before this other
person had a conflict with that person so instead you
feel validated for that crack you
never dealt with so this means, that person doesn’t attribute
the grand canyon to the triangulator at all. in fact, they own the entire
conflict as their own. at this point they
become a defender. the small issue that they themselves did
not directly resolve with the person now, when fueled by the triangulator
becomes a forest fire the one doing the triangulating
has successfully managed to camouflage their own
agenda like a chameleon in such a way that the person
being turned against the person the triangulator
has a conflict with mistakes the agenda
for their own here is an example: we have person
A,B and C. person A has a conflict
with person B. so person A goes to person C,
about that conflict person A knows that person C
feels insignificant to person B. therefore person A begins to
complain about how insignificant person B makes
him or her feel and suggests that person B really should
value and and prioritize person C more. person A then proceeds
to give person C the impression that they value
them and will prioritize them. this fuels the pain between
person B and person C person B will then
act as carrier of that conflict between
person A and person C person B will be convinced
the true victim is person A person B has been manipulated
into identifying with person A. person B will then
defend person A and try to resolve the
conflict for person A when what they are really doing
is standing up for themselves against person C
but indirectly. person A has successfully played
person B against person C. and they can continue to
do this over and over until they have
accrued an army and divided everyone against the
person they have the conflict with if you grew up in a dysfunctional
family dynamic this kind of chess
game of triangulation, is part of the common
interaction in your family it’s so much a part of
your social upbringing that you don’t even see there
being anything wrong with it it’s normalized. you see this as the way
social interaction goes. you also see this as the only
way to get connection basically, whenever
conflict arose, you learned (in a dysfunctional family) that there was no other way to
create any kind of connection or to create any
kind of solution. because resolve was
not really an option. because the members of your
family weren’t really after that. if you want a good
example of triangulation watch season four
episode one of the TV show, Law & Order
criminal intent this episode is titled
Semi Detached but what should you
do to avoid triangulation? and to make sure you’re
not being triangulated. 1: figure out your needs and meet those
needs directly. what most people
don’t understand, is that triangulation
is manipulation. and manipulation is only
ever about needs needs that cannot be
expressed directly so they are achieved indirectly this means that there’s no malicious
intent behind manipulation regardless of whether
it destroys lives to understand more about this,
I want you to watch my video titled: ” Meet Your Needs” 2: deal with conflict the
second that it arises when it’s very
very small most of us
hate conflict some of us really
hate conflict so what we do when we feel
that tiny bit of resistance where there is a
little bit of conflict is, we stuff it down,
we suppress it and we continue on
and build resentment and then this doesn’t go away
like any type of issue doesn’t instead it builds up and
builds up and builds up, until we’re only ready to
address that conflict, when we’re at a level 10 A rupture that’s at
a level 10 point is very difficult
to repair because it usually involves
several incidents instead of one indecent. when we begin to repair
these situations of conflict when they’re very
very small and directly with the person
we have the conflict with, it doesn’t escalate. not only that,
we find out that we can create repair,
and create repair, and create repair. and so we begin to feel a sense of
security within the relationship and security within a relationship
leads to deep feelings of trust. another thing is, if we resolve the conflict
we have with someone when it’s a very
small crack, within our relationship, then there is
no opportunity, for anybody to
use that crack, to create a grand canyon to triangulate us against
someone else. I promise you that facing a
conflict when it’s at a level two is a lot less scary and so it’s a
lot more likely, if you address things
at a level two, that you can do so without
needing all kinds of backup and so you’ll be less
likely to triangulate. watch yourself
very closely, because many people
are very two faced but they’re not aware of their
own two faced behavior so ask yourself
the question, do you say something different
to someone’s face than you say behind
their back? any time we’re
being two faced, the door is wide open
for triangulation. most of us are passive aggressive
because we feel intimidated by the person that we
have the conflict with but I promise you if you are not brave enough to directly
address that person head on than the door is
also wide open for you to be
manipulative. which is much less of a
person that you wanna be. 3: try to figure out what someone
actually needs and wants in a situation, in general, but also in a conflict. what is their actually intent of
telling you what they’re telling you? ask the person who
is triangulating, directly what they want out of
telling you what their telling you. ask if they are
just venting or if they’re expecting
you to do something often times you’ll be able
to feel the truth of why even if their words sound as
if their intentions are good if they are venting, you should still encourage them
to talk directly to the source. this questioning, though, will help
the person to think about what they are
actually doing. if they wanna
be defended, and sided with
against someone, they should have
to say that directly. there is a very different
feel to a situation when a person is
really coming to us to gain insight about how
to resolve a situation and when a person is coming
to us to relieve anxiety, and feel connected
through division. in a conflict it is natural
that we want support and it’s natural for us to go
to people to get that support there’s nothing
wrong with that where stuff gets hazy is in our intentions, our subconscious
intentions, when we go about
doing that. where it’s hazy is when
we start to manipulate in order to get those
subconscious needs met. and then the support we think
we’re getting or going for turns into something
different entirely. when we feel like
we’re in pain because of a situation so we’re running to
somebody for support most of us, if we’re
totally honest want people to
side with us in that we’re wronged. now if they do
that, obviously it makes the other
person the ‘bad guy’ and us the good guy. this helps you to
avoid shame. in conflicts shame
naturally arises. so, if there’s a conflict I’m naturally gonna
start doubting whether I’m the
good guy, or whether I’m
the bad guy or whether I did
something right or whether I did
something wrong weaving people into this for
support in being wronged the one that’s wronged, means that I can absolve
myself of my shame. it also puts other people
in the position where I really do want them
to be doing something to prove that I was the
one that was wronged or to show me that I was the
one that was wronged. such as, defending me
as if I’m the underdog this feels soothing and safe because when you do this
you’re creating an alliance or partnership
with a person an alliance that also makes you
feel good about yourself regardless of whether
you intended it or not, this creates a two people
against against one dynamic this is very difficult
to undo. and you may be responsible for
rueining several relationships also you can feel that
sense of alliance 4: we often fall
into the trap of telling ourselves that everyone on the
planet wants resolution this isn’t always the case that’s especially true if what a
person is wanting is self esteem if an injury that they’ve
suffered in a conflict makes them feel like
they’re the bad guy it’s very common
that a person, especially the lower
their self esteem is will wanna be the good
guy no matter what now, when this
is the case they have to have
a bad guy so creating resolution
with you doesn’t actually enable
them to do that on other words
creating resolution is contrary to their
actual need. which is to feel good
about themselves which they think
at this moment is only gonna be achieved
by being the good guy which means you have
to be the bad guy. 5: pay special attention whenever somebody
says something that either creates
or fuels a problem between you and
the other person this is when a little bell in
your head should go off what is this person
going for? why are they
doing this? also, very important that when this bell
goes off you realize that two people
involved in a conflict often have completely different
perceptual realities about the actual
situation at hand. and any time you
talk to one side, of this party, you are getting a
biased opinion. here’s another thing, getting information through a
third party is completely unreliable 6: this is probably the best news
I’m gonna give you all day, we can use
any situation in which we are
being triangulated to actually create a
closer relationship with the person who is
being triangulated against. here’s why: because a triangulator who’s
skilled is always gonna use an insecurity or a crack
that already exists between you and
the other person you may be unaware
on a conscious level of this crack that
you’ve suppressed but when they start
to triangulate you, believe me, you will be aware of the
issue you have with this other person that’s the opportunity at that moment when you’re
feeling your own conflict with that person
magnified go directly to that person and
address your conflict with them but leaving the person who’s
triangulating and their issue out of it completely for example, using the
previous scenario, person B should
come to person C and talk about
their feelings of insignificance and
feeling not prioritized. and this talk should have nothing
to do with person A at all. by resolving this issue directly, we can remain a neutral
party in the conflict between two people who
are having a conflict. 7: use an objective facilitator. sometimes when this triangulation
dynamic is just too intense, it’s important to
use somebody who’s not involved who can be an
objective facilitator, to create conflict resolution
between the two people. also, if triangulation
has been something that has perpetuated across
an entire group of people, so it’s not just one person
who’s been triangulated, it’s the entire group that’s
being triangulated, than a group meeting
needs to be held, where all parties involved
in that conflict now are at the table at
the same time and all the issues can be put
on the table at the same time so everybody’s actual words
can be heard directly instead of indirectly
through somebody. this closes the
door to any misinterpretation or
misrepresentation. the conversation should
end with the agreement, on specific actions
and behaviors, that all people
will take, in order to avoid triangulating
in the future. 8: there are very rare situations
where the best option in a situation or for two people
or more to separate but this is very rare. that means, that what we
need to be focused on, regardless of where we fall
into this triangulation pattern, is to create resolution, so that
we can feel a sense of closeness this means that, almost like a
north star or a guiding light our goal should
always be not only to resolve conflict with
our self and the other person but also between
two people who are in conflict
with each other. not to gain closeness through someone’s opposition
with someone else, 9: it’s super easy to fall into
the trap of triangulation and play directly into it so that relationships are
absolutely destroyed. the sad reality is that the minute
somebody comes to you for support in a way where they
are triangulating instead of trying
to get feedback so as to directly
resolve the situation. you’re in the triangle. you’re in this triangle and
filling some role in it whether you
like it or not and whether you directly
choose it or not. whenever you are dealing
with a triangle and you’re in any role
within that triangle, the question to keep in your
mind as a north star is this: right here in this
statement or action am I enhancing
the triangle? or am I helping to
unravel the triangle? 10: develop empathy
and compassion. what you’ll find
in any conflict, is that both parties
feel like the victim. regardless of whether both
are the victims or not. that’s their perceptual reality here’s an example we may feel like
the victim to the fact that somebody
is not prioritizing us but when we step
into their perspective maybe they’re not
prioritizing us because they have
so many pressures on their time
and resources so both of us feel
like a victim. and in a way both of
us in that scenario, actually are. empathy is not designed
to negate hurt. meaning, if we empathize
with somebody else or see from their
perspective it’s not meant to make our
perspective or our hurt vanish or go away. that’s a competition in pain. but what it’s meant to do, is to help us relate
to the other person. that brings us closer,
instead of farther apart. empathy will ensure that
we don’t cast ourselves or other people
in any of the rolls of the bad guy victim
and rescuer dynamic. and simply deal with
the conflict at hand as well as the needs that
conflict is flushing to the surface. to learn how to do this
watch my video titled: “Compassion (And How To
Cultivate Compassion)” triangulation is a dynamic
that we see in families we see it in cultures,
we see it in religions we see it in the
whole of society. but triangulation is a dynamic
that doesn’t benefit us because it keeps
us all stuck and most of all, it divides us. Have a good week. Subtitles by the community


100 Responses

  1. Magicalindigo Adult

    October 21, 2018 4:15 am

    Except when someone is doing it just to deny it and physically hurt you when u ask them like me ex godmother did to me she trashed my name and made it another persons fault sharing information about me then act like she’s there for me when she’s trying to make me fight

  2. 2rememberSeptember11

    October 21, 2018 4:44 am

    Thank you so much for the healing work you do & for all that you so generously & freely share. This video feels like an answer to many prayers. YES! to all of it!
    16:30 Sad this happens. I hope that in this lifetime we create change. It's 2018 people!
    Think NDE – I like to think one day we get to review what we lived and how it impacted others. I want a good show.
    Self Love All 💞
    Love & Infinite thanks T, you true Beauty xo

  3. ThousandairesClub

    October 21, 2018 5:15 am

    i get triangulated all the time and i love it. it shows me whos loyal, who has my back and whos just filled with animosity.

  4. Girlintherocket

    October 21, 2018 5:52 am

    This woman knows nothing about social psychology and I would take this video for the click bait it is.

  5. MsDDutch

    October 21, 2018 7:41 am

    @ lovelive shining. I can confirm this is indeed every workplace. But there is no solution to this issue. The person A is usually a manager/supervisor or person with power. They are often so insecure they turn evil. The person C is often the HR person. They cut you off from a person that should be a safety person. As a person B you will usually find yourself used and fired with no actual reason. Can you give me a an actual solution for this?

  6. Maria Makinen

    October 21, 2018 7:47 am

    Yes.Most obviously. My sister n f have done this all their lives. This is good information. Thanks. My ex,too. I will have to repeat . Tricky. I don't see the narcs' stuff as being normal.

  7. Arvand Afsanehbaf

    October 21, 2018 11:01 am

    The part about people with low self esteemed people not wanting a resolution was insightful, thanks.

  8. JennyLeigh93

    October 21, 2018 12:32 pm

    I do this when I feel completely alone and when I'm already in a manipulative relationship. My ex used to tell me when people were talking about me but never stand up for me so it messed with my head

  9. Hani

    October 21, 2018 12:42 pm

    What if I know someone who is in an abusive relationship, they are not in immediate danger but they are being left alone to do chores and rarely get something in return? That person never learnt to stand up for themselves and are constantly being exploited by there partner and I think it's very unhealthy for them? If triangulation is bad overall, what would be a good way to give them help?

  10. hey hey monkey

    October 21, 2018 12:45 pm

    Nothing wrong with this …. We had to unite the whole block of flats against shit neighbours…certain households were so happy we knocked on the door for help, they didn’t know what to do about it and were just living in misery…

    Shit neighbours were evicted and the whole block of flats are now living peacefully again

  11. Rositsa Zlatanova

    October 21, 2018 3:18 pm

    So insightful and spot on, as usual. Thank you so much, your videos are a great support to me! <3

  12. Spike EP

    October 21, 2018 3:20 pm

    Be Everywhere at Once.

    When They are attacking you everywhere at once (and They shall),

    Be Where They Ain’t. And Attack Them From The Rear.


  13. star child

    October 21, 2018 7:07 pm

    Very Insightful. Wondering how this fits into physically abusive relationship. Should a person seek resolution if they were being abused? How would you go about this? How does a person talk to another person and share their experience of being physically abused by a parent without triangulating?

  14. Lee F

    October 21, 2018 7:51 pm

    Have you found love teal?
    Well, have you?
    Too many low-frequency sheep for me to entangle myself with.. it's a lonely road.. but I'm faithful to myself.
    Cheers Teal

  15. Brenna Alexandera

    October 21, 2018 9:55 pm

    I feel that I have done this, not in a malicious way. But when I have an issue, especially in a work environment, I will try to defuse my upset or anger by talking to a 3rd party to get their opinion. I try not to mention that someone else is involved or who that person is, but I try to say, this is what I'm doing and i'm not sure if that's the right thing or not. Sometimes it is a genuine need to be sure I'm working the right way, but I guess it can also be a validation that I'm right. I really dont feel that I'm trying to manipulate anyone because my goal isn't to wedge a gap between two people but more to understand whether i'm working correctly to ease my own insecurity. I'm just not sure how to stop myself from doing that when I try to address the situation directly and it escalates into an argument. Perhaps I'm doing this indirectly and I really don't want to be that person.

  16. marelena

    October 21, 2018 10:03 pm

    Any book that you can recommend on the subject? Would really appreciate if some one provided more information.

  17. Ayesh Has

    October 22, 2018 5:47 am

    I know for a fact that this weapon is used by women. Its infact their second nature unless the women refines her charecter and works againts it.

  18. Dr. M M Audi

    October 22, 2018 5:51 am

    Hello, good morning Ms. Teal Swan. I think you are incredible. I pray that i meet you someday. Love you.

  19. what are you doing over there?

    October 22, 2018 10:08 pm

    Hi Teal can you please talk about this.
    This man has experienced countless rejection because of his appearance. Can a person that has such low self-esteem because of their physical appearance reach a point of self love. Is it even possible for a person with facial disfigurement to reach a point where then can have self love especially if they can't get it from others. I love your videos I hope u respond.

  20. illuminate the mainstream

    October 23, 2018 2:46 am

    Hey Teal I'm sorry this isn't about this video but IDK how to contact you lol. I just started my spiritual journey less than a year ago and I started through listening to Abraham Hicks. I was wondering what you think of Abraham, I tried to search Teal Swan and Abraham Hicks and nothing really came up on it lol. If you can't I understand, just throwing it out there. Lots of love!

  21. vesinokkapuuskuttaja

    October 23, 2018 2:17 pm

    Best is to not speak like a snake about ur friend so no one cant blame u. Just in work people wanna competition who gets mony more from boss and speak bad things about work mates is it worth it? Ofc course is nice to tell if no one really do anything when working time. When someone speaks for u our friend did something they wanna chance for that they wanna make her clean but there is people who want just to get high position. Just tell what u heard soon and try to solve and understant and forgive problems doesent go big. Problem is if u dont tell what someone complain about ur mate to ur mate to solve problems cuz some people scare to complain towads someone. And ofc u must check was it truth or miss undestanded. And somepeople speak it for showing teachings to what to not to do. Like my friend used to throw posline plates towards his man when angry . I said trhow plastic plates it doesent hurt so much and go broken :D.

  22. Chris Grove

    October 23, 2018 2:52 pm

    It’s so difficult to not fall into a deep state of resistance when I find myself getting sucked into triangles.

  23. The Di Experience

    October 23, 2018 7:57 pm

    Omg my older sister has done this to me with some of our cousins and her friends 🙄 as they hang around me though they see that I’m really not that bad lol

  24. Makaveli Last

    October 23, 2018 11:21 pm

    I think that the Bronze Age and further Iron which enforced organized argiculture (and feudalism – division of the land/capital as the result) has greatly increased the out of balance social thinking which moved away from harmony. By harmony I mean that both essences, Solar and Lunar are important. If only feminine/lunar mind is dominating without a shed of rational/logical thinking a person will pretty much have no tools in analyzing his/her surroundings. On the contrary, if the Solar is dominating a man (universal, no gender implied) pretty much becomes a walking fascist.

    The nuclear war will probably diminish us to the state of Mad Max. This will create the new cycle of lunar society, among those who happen to survive the blast. Most people will die, governments, infrastructure, economy will perish or become of no use. Survived societies will organized into hunters and gatherers and establish their small community. People will be repulsed by war and will in turn start thinking in a more nurturing state of mind. Cooperation, mercy and compassion will once again become dominating as opposite to money, power and greed. Gathering and hunting will dominate over agriculture and people will migrate more often and lead a bedouin style of life. This is why lunar societies were beduoin in nature and incorporated the lunar calendar as opposite to argiculture Solar/Roman socities which incorporated Solar calendar for agriculture purposes. Most religions come from the East, the "lunar" part of the world. Even the Quran is a lunar book one may descipher in case he/she actually uses feminine intuition and wisdom.

    Not suprising that ancient archeology does not recover much from neolithic era, probably because by the time this era emerged the previous societies destroyed themselves as we are about to.

    And people still argue about feminine vs masculine as if it even matters. The state of mind is in the state of STRIFE, meaning disunion. Once someone "turns two into one" he/she shall not taste death. But to do so one also has to fast from the world. While the first verse from the Gospel of Thomas is widely cited here and there from the so called "enlightened", yet the over, the fasting verse is usually ignored as if it does not belong there. That is because if one does not fast from the world he/she may not efficiently come to condition of unity, paradoxically, because the world is basically in the state which distrupts the mind and creates agitation of mind, so lifestyle composed to too much social interaction must be balanced with adequate fasting from the world, and this time should be used wisely in contemplation and MEDITATION. Meditation is NOT closing your eyes and learning to cease your thoughts. That's bs and will not give any positive changes. MEDItation comes from "middle" meaning unititing something so as to cease to STRIFE. It means learning to contemplate and think and both the SOLAR and LUNAR, logical and intuitive levels, and incorporate those principles in your everyday lives.

  25. White light

    October 24, 2018 3:01 am

    On a side note, What if the person you’re having an issue with is unwilling to cooperate yet their affecting everyone negatively and there’s no way around it? Like you live with this person and moving out isn’t an option.


    October 24, 2018 1:04 pm

    I was Trombipulated while trying to ride a unicycle in a Northeastern direction during a blizzard,

  27. PatriotResearchGal

    October 24, 2018 2:46 pm

    Gotta comment on the workplace component. As long as we have corporations with top-bottom structures, this will continue. What is worse, the natural triangulation that happens from the person at the top being out of touch with those below them will result in triangulation between. This triangulation feeds the whole competition component which in turn benefits the top-down structure. It's just a mess.

  28. Tabatha

    October 24, 2018 10:47 pm

    It is one of the most fundamental processes in life that we get help from other people around us to help resolve a problem or issue with someone else. It's not necessarily a negative intention or manipulative. When you are getting help with a problem, it's not necessary the people helping are on anyone's side, just that the problem is resolved.

  29. Andre EWERT

    October 26, 2018 11:23 pm

    Triangulation is for immature children or insecure corporate flunkies . High Vibration people
    don't play that game.

  30. niftydom

    October 27, 2018 6:39 am

    Master gossipers are by far the triangulators by trade. If they go to you to gossip about others, you can make sure that they go to others to gossip about you.

    A behaviour I had in high school due to being insecure. Thankfully, I grew out of this.

  31. DragonFly Visions

    October 27, 2018 9:55 pm

    LoLz! You know how many times i have tried to get folks to the round table to resolve conflict? Next to zero. No one will come to the table in my experience. Screw the triangle. i say deal directly with those whom we have conflict with instead of the triangle to divide to conquer.

  32. DragonFly Visions

    October 27, 2018 10:00 pm

    We all have a tendancy to do that, but when we realise the equity to resolve matters instead of the victim/villan aspect it means we are geowing up emotionally and getting our needs met. The world is in conflict in this manner and i see the social applications and methodology dynamic to keep this pattern of behaviour in continuum add nauseum.

  33. CCC

    October 31, 2018 1:36 am

    There can also be a person or people close to you whom are mentally/emotionally incapacitated to understand the patterns they keep repeating and therefore never being able to resolve anything. You just keep hurting yourself more by trying…as the moment you turn your back, it's all back to square one..and more often, way worse than it was before. When that person is your own elderly ill parent, and you have been going through it for 50 yrs…to get some sort of peace in your own life, you're better off just letting go for good.

  34. Hope Kramer

    November 1, 2018 11:36 am

    I'm definitely guilty of this. My emotions were always invalidated growing up so I tried really hard to get validation from others.

  35. Janet Phoenix

    November 2, 2018 11:44 am

    very insightful video. politicians do this all the time.. when people are in despair they say "THEY" are doing it to you, the bad guys (whoever that is will be what benefits them the most at the moment) and then they can go to war or do unhumane things with people being on their side ….

  36. Jaime Fratilla

    November 5, 2018 1:00 am

    I do this! I didn't even realize it until watching this video. I don't necessarily try to pit people against each other, but I try to get people on my side before things go south.

  37. allenbretc412079

    November 9, 2018 1:26 pm

    So my question is if I am person c (the one who's being triangled) how would I go about seeking resolution?

  38. Carrie Hobbes

    November 16, 2018 12:01 pm

    I somehow felt drawn to watching this video yesterday, without actually knowing why. I’ve known about the concept of triangulation for years(being a victim of abuse in my Family of Origin), and I was wondering , “Why am I wasting my time watching this video?”. Still, I watched the entire thing.

    Not even 24 hours later, I ended up having a big misunderstanding with a new junior employee who lied straight to my face. I was shocked and upset when I caught the lie, and of course spoke up and said lying my face was not ok.

    I was stressed and worried, feeling dreadful that I would have to work with someone who I could not trust.

    This new employee seemed to “shut down” and not respond to me calling out the lie. Other team members including the boss got involved and I was feeling like things were getting worse and not better with everyone in the mix. My boss has a flair for drama and is deeply attracted to any opportunity to blow things up, which I detest so I usually try to avoid such scenarios.

    And then I suddenly remembered what Teal said in this video – are you being triangulated and you don’t know it? The best thing todo is to go directly and speak to the person you’re having an issue with/the person who has an issue with you.

    And I did just that. Perfect solution – it turned out that this new employee (let’s call her J) had been triangulated against me on day one by another member of the team (let’s call her R), who said something to the effect of, “This person (me) is unreasonable and nasty and she’s always yelling and getting angry. Be very careful.”

    So it turned out that J was petrified at having made a minor error at work, and when I tried to ask about it, she freaked out thinking I was going to yell at her and thought her only way was to lie. Which of course led me to catching her in the lie and getting suspicious.

    The triangulator (R) is someone I had recently stood up to, a nasty narcissistic and extremely rude person. Of course R couldn’t tolerate that (can narcissists ever?? Ha!) and she ended up taking her “revenge” this way.

    What is interesting is R has also been pretty nasty to J, which led J to believe that everyone at the workplace is hostile (having been triangulated against me already). She badly needs the job but has been feeling alone and afraid at work.

    Final result : J and I had a calm talk, and I advised her to be upfront with me and not to believe everything she is told by R, but to use her own judgement and decide for herself.

    J and I walked away feeling relieved and calm and in control, both aware that R is not to be trusted.

    I am still shocked at this pernicious behaviour by R, but not being a narcissist there is no way I could have imagined such a thing!

    Lesson learnt. And thanks to Teal’s advice for directly dealing with the other person by talking things out in a calm way, without any third party involved. It’s the only way to truly have clear communication.

    This does not mean that everyone who triangulates is a narcissistic of course. But please, be aware, if you have a narcissistic/psychopathic/sociopathic person around, then triangulation is a given!!!.

    I am so grateful that I felt drawn to watching this video yesterday! The universe has my back, just need to trust my intuition more and more 🙂

  39. riddlepiddlepipinliken

    November 19, 2018 5:03 pm

    Ms Swan. Very informative. Unfortunately, people who do this dont care.. and everyone does this.

  40. riddlepiddlepipinliken

    November 19, 2018 5:05 pm

    The reason everyone does this is because everyone is actually sociopathic and justified by whatever everyone agrees upon as socially acceptable. When everyone lies, the best liar is a worthy winner, and everyone else must learn to lie better. Luck doesn't exist, that's a fact, but hell might. Hell is good.

  41. Maria R

    November 24, 2018 6:09 am

    Wow. I just became aware that I do triangulation unconsciously. 🤯
    I try my best to be as honest as I can but I just realized that I've slipped up. 🤔

  42. A Beautiful Mess

    November 27, 2018 5:06 am

    OMG! I can so relate to this and this gives me so much insight on the situation I’ve been going though. The triangle is with my ex, his girlfriend and I. My ex has made me the bad person and he has his new girlfriend always blowing my phone up and just always telling me how much of an awful person I am. She does this b/c my ex has tricked her into believing I’m trying to get back with him. It all makes sense now. Thanks for this video!

  43. AnimusFlux

    March 23, 2019 9:28 am

    Ive discovered that a great deal of adults do not like to take responsibility for themselves so if they ask your opinion about a difficulty they are having and you give them real insight ( rather than what they want to hear) they will often vilify you. Then do this truangulation thing with someone who WILL play into their victim scrnario.

  44. Gina Young

    May 31, 2019 4:31 pm

    This video deeply resonated with me. Thank you for such a thorough and informative talk. It's gonna take several viewings for me to absorb it all but I'm getting out my notebook to take notes!

  45. Dr. Igor Menchetti

    June 3, 2019 10:33 pm

    She is still around? Now using a very trendy topic to make videos. I don’t even go through the all video

  46. T S

    June 7, 2019 2:44 am

    Anyone have advice about a adult daughter that is doing this with her two sisters making it appear I am the problem ( she wont talk to me and mistreats me when no one is around) she talks to everyone close to me so no one sees what she is doing. She got mad at me years ago when she didn't like our house rules..and moved out. I am so broken and stay silent to all those around her about this so she has nothing bad to say really…

  47. Alexandra Ledesman

    August 22, 2019 6:38 am

    People don't have the balls to face the people they have a conflict with themselves that would make them too vulnerable, especially to someone who will most likely invalidate their perspective and turn it around on them.

  48. Lisa Jackson

    October 23, 2019 6:58 pm

    🤦‍♀️ Damn it! Ok! I'll add triangulation to my list of things to change about myself. 😤
    I remember my Mother always talking and about my dad behind his back. I realize I do that about who I'm with. In a way that I'm a victim. I need saving. I'm being abused.
    Then I have to act like theres nothing wrong to his face! Tha k you for so much information!!
    I wat h as many of your ideas that I can in a day lol. I'm learning so much about myself and learning ways to heal from root core issues! 🙏🌟💖🥳 Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

  49. Mark T.

    October 26, 2019 10:49 am

    Teal, a commentor below mentioned gang stalking. Have you ever dealt with that topic, or have any videos on it? Thanks.

  50. Garz

    October 29, 2019 6:19 pm

    Thank you for the insight! I’ve been suspicious of triangulation but this has confirmed my suspicion by far.


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