Do Orgasms Impact Depression? (feat. Rich Vos and Nick Youssef) – You Up w/ Nikki Glaser

, , 27 Comments


– I was in Jacksonville,
Florida, one of the worst gigs. The room is great,
the club is great– – What, the Comedy
Zone, that creep? – [Nikki] Yes, dude.
– Virgil. – Oh, the one in the hotel? – It’s in the hotel,
in the Ramada Inn. – [Nick] That’s depressing.
– And you stay in the suite, and it’s a really nice
hotel room, for that hotel, which is the terrible hotel. So it’s the nicest
room in the hotel. But, just knowing that every
comic had stayed there, before. – [Rich] I know. – Like, I saw, there was a glass case of
all the comedians in frames. Like Ralphie May
had stayed there, and I was just like,
‘What did he do in here?’ – Ugh! – Like I just, just everything, yeah. It’s like a comedy condo. I don’t wanna know. – The wall has a family
tree of jizz on it, and it’s disgusting. (upbeat rock music) – What a hot show we
have for you today, I’m so excited. I’m in a good mood, guys. I’m comin’ in at
like a two, today, ya know what I’m sayin’? You know what I’m sayin’, if you’ve been listen
to the show this week, there’s a depression scale. 10 is the most depressed,
one is the least, I’m a two today, bitches. I got up to a, probably, an
eight, on air, on Tuesday. Talked me down to a five,
left the studio at five, came in yesterday at a
four, ended up at a three, I’m comin’ in at a two today. No one can take me up. No one can take
me up, I’m a two. In studio with us, already,
it’s not the full show, yet, but it’s gonna be, soon. Nick Youssef is here. Welcome to the
show, Nick Youseff. – Yo. – Welcome back to the show. – [Nick] You feel good. – Yeah, what are you at, one to 10, depression-wise? Let’s be honest, here. – Probably a three or four. – Okay, wow, I was
gonna guess higher, you seemed a little down. – ‘Cause I was tired, yeah. – [Nikki] Oh, you’re tired,
you took the red eye. – But I did meditate,
before I got here. – Hell yes, did you meditate
downstairs, outside? – No, I went to Bryant Park, and just sat there
for a little bit. – And just sat there? – [Nick] Yeah. – Now, did you do
the Sam Harris one? – [Nick] Of course, yeah. – And was it an open-eyed
meditation, today? – It’s one of my favorites,
’cause he was like, ‘Hey, either eyes
open, or closed,’ I’m like, ‘Closed,
closed, closed.’ – Oh, thank you, – [Nick] Closed closed
closed closed closed. – I’m gonna take
closed, on this one, so I don’t look like a
psychopath in Bryant Park, just staring straight ahead. That’s great, so you’re
still doin’ those? – Oh yeah, every day. Here and there, I’ll miss a day, but then, ya know, you can’t feel bad about
it, ya just do it– – Someone recently asked me, ‘What is something
you do every day ‘that isn’t just like
brushing your teeth?’ And I was like, ‘Meditating.’ I have meditated, I probably
missed a week of meditation in a year and a half,
and that is, I feel very, it’s just, I’m back on
TM, I did it this morning, 20 minutes, and I feel great. Our other guest, in studio, I’m
so excited to have him back. One of my favorite comedians,
one of my favorite people, Rich Vos, is here. Welcome to the show, Rich. – How’s it goin’? Thanks for havin’ me. – Yeah, do you meditate, Rich? – Medicate. – Yeah, okay, that is different. I also do that. – [Nick] Yeah, same. – Well, I never really
tried to meditate, I think I have too much,
see, I don’t have depression, I have anxiety. – Yeah. You don’t have too much anxiety, that’s what everyone
says, to be like, ‘I can’t meditate, I
can’t calm my mind.’ Yeah, you’re not unique,
everyone feels that way, Rich. – Really? – Yes! – [Nick] It’s good
for anxiety, too. – Yes, it treats anxiety, man. You know that.
– Well, I do other things, that are like meditation. – [Nikki] Mm-hm.
– Like what? – Golf.
– [Rich] Golf. – Oh, all right. – Which, I know, it brings out a lot of anger. – Yeah, that’s not meditating. Things that are like
meditating, that people go, ‘It’s like meditating.’ It’s not. – And, being in recovery, I
should be able to meditate, it’s one of, – One of the things they
talk about, in there? – Yeah, is meditation. And, I think, at this
point in my life, I’m kinda too old to
start anything new. – No you’re not. – [Rich] You don’t think so? – No, dude. You’re so young,
you’re so youthful. You’re constantly tryin’, you’re stayin’ current, you stay on trend. The trend right
now is meditating, you gotta check it out. It’s not too late, for you. – Also, for any, ‘you can’t teach an old
dog new tricks’ thing, this is the easiest
thing, to try. ‘Cause you just have to
sit there, and breathe. – And you can’t do it wrong. – [Nick] Yeah, there’s
no doing it wrong. – You can’t do it wrong. If you do it, you’re
doing it right. – It’s so weird, when
someone you barely know, calls you an old dog.
(laughing) – I had no idea you
were gonna say that. – Hey, it’s good to
do radio with you, fuckin’ low-budget Gary Gulman. (laughing)
– Low-budget. – Okay, that I’m,
(laughing) Wait, I cursed! Sorry. – Yeah, no, you can. Rich is on tour, right now,
with Kreeps with the Kids Tour. It’s Kreeps with the Kids, ‘K’, Kreeps with a ‘K’, with Jim Florentine,
Ron Bennington and Bobby Kelly, out
on tour right now, you can get tickets and check out the dates
at kreepstour.com. What cities do you got
comin’ up, that we can– – This Friday, we’ll be in
Long Island at The Paramount. Saturday, we’ll be at
the Wilbur, in Boston. – [Nikki] Nice. – Next weekend, we’re
in Jersey, in Red Bank, at Camp Assay and, I think, I dunno,
Staten Island, maybe? – These are four of the
best working comedians all on one show, I
mean, this is truly, I can’t believe this
tour is even happening. – This show, I mean,
they’re comparin’ it with the Rolling Stones tour. Last weekend, we did
Reading PA, in Pittsburgh. And ya hate to say
this, ’cause I’m on it, but, from beginning to
end, it’s total slaughter. It’s total, everybody
just kills, on this tour. – People, go to the show,
you will have a night of unstoppable laughter, you
will feel so good, afterwards. Ya need to get out
and laugh, and this, yeah, I mean, I can’t even
believe that that’s a tour that’s happening right now, – [Rich] It’s so funny.
– So funny. And, you’re all in good moods, ’cause you’re all hangin’ out. You’re not this lone wolf
on the road, goin’ out. It’s a different vibe,
when you’re on the road with your friend, there’s
an energy to the show. – Well we, first of all, you go on the road, you’re
in the dressin’ room with someone you don’t know, who’s bringin’ in friends,
who ya don’t know, and you’re like, and you’re sittin’ there and the middle
actor’s like, ‘Uh’, he’s sellin’ 12 shirts,
in front of you. You have one CD, a
new one, the sixth one that’s comin’ out. But, so, and don’t get me
wrong, I love comedy. I’m a club comic. I love comedy clubs. But, in theaters, you’re not
dealin’ with a check spot. You’re not dealing
with somebody eatin’ chicken wings, in the front row. And, in the theater,
too, the difference, and you know this, ’cause
you’ve done theaters, your intro is your name. You don’t have to do 10 credits, because people were papered at, were dragged from a bus
stop, inside, to the club. – Right, they’re
coming to see you, they know what they’re getting,
they’re already excited, they’re in. – It’s a whole different game. Look, a theater, you have
to project, you’re standing, you’re move, whatever. In a club, I can sit
down and do an hour, sitting down, relax. I’m not doin’
that, in a theater. You know what I mean? It’s a different vibe, and
they’re both great vibes, – I was just saying this
to Nick, before the show, ’cause I’m going on my
first theater tour, too, and I was like, ‘Oh,
man, I’m gonna bring it ‘in a way that I haven’t,
at clubs, before, ‘because of the
nature of it being ‘this special space, where
people have paid a ticket, ‘there’s not chicken wings. ‘It’s a nice night out, and
I wanna treat it as such. ‘I’m gonna look nicer, I’m
gonna give it a lot more care ‘than I,’ and not that I don’t care,
when I’m doing clubs, but clubs are more relaxed, and I don’t know that you’re
always getting a better show, because of it, but I’m
really gonna try, this time. – Well, we have a–
– This time. – I am!
– [Nick] That’s funny. – I don’t try.
– [Rich] No! – I have to say, it works
for me, but I don’t really– – [Nick] Do you think– – Look at my notes,
before I go on stage. I don’t think about what
I’m gonna do, I just do it. – You just do it. – Do you think you’ll
just feed into the energy, automatically, when you
hear that theater crowd? – Yes. – And you’ll go, ‘All right,
I’m standing upright’, I’m like, ya know. – Yeah, when I’ve done
the theaters I’ve done, it feels so much
better than a club. It’s just like, there’s
a balcony, hopefully, of people up there. I mean, whether or not it’s
full, there’s still a balcony. – They could just do cardboard
cutouts, and not tell you. – Two, also, two, well, through to just a couple. One, we get there, we
have a tour manager. There’s a spread of food, – [Nikki] Ugh, amenits. – ‘Hey, anything you
need’, I get a call, ‘Anything you need,
in the dressing room,’ ya know, whatever. – You’re treated so much better. – One, we’re
workin’, like I said, these are my good, best friend. These are friends,
that’s I’m with. I know the act in front of me is gonna light hisself on fire, or herself on fire. And also, some of these
theaters are so beautiful. They were trashin’ me,
but I was lookin’ at the architecture,
throughout the theater. And I go, to the guy, ‘Was
this molding hand-painted?’ And stuff. A comedy club’s a comedy club. It’s a, ya know– – There’s a lot of history.
– [Rich] There’s history. – And, yeah, beauty,
in a theater. – And beauty. The times I did the
Apollo, take those, I was on the same stage that The Temptations,
Buddy Holly, and there’s so much
history, in theaters. – Are those good acts? Temptations, Buddy Holly. – Are you kiddin’?
(laughing) – Yeah, I’m kidding.
– That’s good. He’s on fire. So,
(laughing) – It’s a slow burn,
right now, okay? – I know a lot of people build,
I go right from the gate, (blowing into mic) and then I peter out. But, boy, you should see
how they get rid of me. – No, I always,
whenever I do a theater, I’m always so excited
to see the musical acts, that have performed there. And you know that,
Nick, as a fan of music, at comedy clubs,
you’re never gonna, Wilko hasn’t been
at a comedy club, but I’ve been on the same stage
as Jeff Tweedy when I play, whatever theater in Chicago. – [Rich] Who do I see?
– It’s so exciting. – I know, you’re in a club,
you see, written on a wall, – Thank you. – Pauly Shore was here. – [Nikki] I know.
– Ooh, boy, lucky me. (laughing) – That would be an old poster. Pauly Shore was here in
1997, you’re like, ‘Wow.’ – He’s, – I ‘member, leavin’ a gig, I was on the road years ago, I tell ya, this is years ago. And I get to the
gig, it’s in Miami, this is before I
did any theater. And it’s basically
like a Chuck E. Cheese, but they had comedy at night. So, if you opened the
curtain, there were dummies, – [Nikki] Oh my God! – There was stuffed
animals, that– – Whoa.
– [Nikki] Animatronic. – So, I did that, I
did two nights there. And, in town, that night,
Colin Quinn, back then, and Mario Joyner were
tapin’ their HBO specials, back then. So I’m goin, ‘What if
they stop in, for pizza?’ So then, the next night, I went to this gig in
Homestead, Florida. I drove all the
way to Homestead, and the crowd is the worst. The worst. So I go, ‘Goodnight.’ The owner walks up, big
guy, holds my hand and says, “I think you guys
were rude to him, “I want you all to apologize, “and he’ll do
another 20 minutes.” (laughing)
– Oh my, – [Rich] I swear to God,
– [Nick] What? – He’s holdin’ my
hand, and this big guy, and I’m goin, ‘I don’t have,’ So, the third night, after this, I’m driving over this
overpass, to this long gig, and I get on stage, and a
girl walks past the stage in hot pants, with a wooden leg, and she starts heckling me. You could see her wooden leg. Ya don’t wear hot pants,
with a wooden leg. (laughing)
It’s not a good look. I always say, it’s
not a good look, cover the wooden leg. – The wooden-leg-hot-pants
crowd’s gonna email, now. – [Rich] I’m drivin’ back,
– The phones are blowing up. – [Nick] Yeah.
(laughing) – After these three,
I’m drivin’ back and I’m on this long ride, and the song “Homeward
Bound” comes on. And tears are
pourin’ down my face. I’m crying, I’m going,
‘I’m so depressed.’ Okay. And I had to drive back
to Jersey, from Florida. And this is– – Whoa! – This was just all
one-nighters, before
I did anything, and it was so ugh, so depressing. – [Nick] Jeez.
– And people think the road is just so glamorous. And, even when
it’s bad, it’s good and it’s gritty out
there, but it is so, it can be so demoralizing,
and so depressing. – [Rich] Yes. – And it makes you
hate people, so much. It’s like working
in customer service. Where you learn that
humans are the worst. Or like being a
flight attendant. – Low-level comedy,
is customer service. That’s all it is. – [Nikki] Yeah,
that’s a good point. – But what is–
– just papered rooms and stuff, they’re
like, ‘Come on, go.’ – But what’s high-level,
if you look at any of it? – When you get good. Then people come to see you, and all that, yeah. – Yeah, yeah, that’s
high-level comedy, but you’re still, listen, you do clubs, there are great clubs. You do clubs in New York, you do The Cellar,
Gotham, The Stand, these are great clubs, in New York. Same with this tour,
and on the road, but there’s clubs out there, and you’re goin’, ‘I’m as
good as I ever was, in comedy. ‘How am I here? ‘How am I in this
place, right now?’ – I know. In the Mall of America. – And you go on there, and whatever.
(laughing) – No, I think I’m there,
sometime soon, too. That’s not a bad gig. – No, I take it in February,
so I can play golf. – In the winter, oh, wait, what? – I take it in the winter, so I, here, it’s winter here,
but it’s warm, there. – At the Mall of America? – In–
– [Nikki] Minneapolis? – Oh, no, no, no no, I’m thinkin’ another
room, in Arizona. – Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. – [Rich] I’m
thinkin’ of Phoenix. – Yeah, House Comedy. – Yeah, I take that in February. – [Nikki] Yes.
– I like that room. – That’s a good
thing for you to, so you go places, where
you can play golf? – In the winter, yeah. So it’s, basically, I
just go to play golf. – Yeah, that’s so nice you have
a hobby that you care about, that brings you so much joy. – Not now, I can’t hit a ball. – [Nikki] Really?
– I went from a good golfer, to, I can’t hit a ball.
– What happened to you? – [Nick] Wait, why? – I just lose it, every
couple years, completely. – [Nikki] Oh, okay. You’ll get it back. – Yeah, I’ll get it back,
I know I’ll get it back. Yeah, so– – [Nick] So you think
it’s a mental thing? – Anya Marina just
joined us, by the way, – [Nick] Oh, sorry.
– Hey. – I wanna bring her in. She was late to the show, because Ian Finance was
supposed to be here. Got sick, he ate some bad ass, (laughing)
That’s what I’m guessing. He had a bad serving
of ass, last night. He’s feeling a little under
the weather, in the night, Anya Marina, to the rescue,
welcome to the show, Anya. – Hi! Thanks for having me,
I was just thinking, I just went to a
silent retreat, Rich, a meditation thing, for a week, and I’ve been taking
guitar lessons, just to get to be
a better player. I’ve played music for 20 years, but I’ve never taken
guitar lessons. And I’ve been taking
’em about seven weeks, and I forgot everything. Like I just had a lesson, and it was like I’ve
never touched a guitar. I just felt so, something about being at
the meditation retreat, I feel like it
cleansed my system. – It sucked your, – It just scrubbed
my hard drive. – What do you think your
sub-conscience was telling you about playing guitar? – I literally think it does
something to your brain, ’cause I came home
and I was like, ‘How do you even
play this thing? – [Nick] Wow.
– ‘This seems insane.’ But, I mean, I got
it back, eventually, but I just, usually, I can– – This silent retreat, I
don’t even know if it was good or not, to be
honest with you, there was a lot of, because
we were talking about it, and you went right
back into your life, and I was comparing it to, you went right from being
silent for seven days, to back to your
life, immediately, and you need more of
a transition period, because it’s like when
people quit heroin, and then they start
using, at the same amount before they quit, and then they die,
because they OD. You gotta ease, – You have to have a few days. – You can’t just go
back on your phone– – Well, I told all my
friends and family– – Five hours a day.
– I won’t be texting you for a couple of days,
I need some time to get back to normal.
– Good. – But, still, I met up
with the guy I’m dating, and it was just
us, for the weekend and I thought, ‘That’ll
be chill’ and, no. – But when you do a silent
retreat, for seven days, your miming skills go up to a higher level.
– Ah, so much, yes. I can order a peppermint tea and do a namaste at the end. (laughing)
Thank you so much. Like a pro. – How do you do peppermint? You do the– – You write it on a Post-it. – Oh, okay, that
makes more sense, – They have Post-its everywhere. – Than what I was gonna do. Oh, so you were communicating
with Post-its, there? – They’d let you do that. I only did it twice, I ordered a chocolate
chip cookie, twice. (laughing) It’s funny, it strips
away everything. No phone, no books, no writing, in public.
– [Nick] No books? – And you can’t
to anybody there? – [Anya] No exercise. No talking. – What do you fuckin’,
what do you do? – What the fuck? What is this, prison?
– [Nikki] Meditate. – It really feels like prison. – [Rich] Solitary,
– Yeah, it does. (laughing)
– But then, you realize what you, your brain’s like,
‘What can I hold on to?’, so all day I’d be like,
‘I can’t wait to get that ‘gluten-free, chocolate chip
cookie, that’s in the cafe.’ I’d be fantasizing
about that, or like, – But, is that good? – Or porn, I just would
have sexual thoughts for the first three days. I was just like,
‘Come on, stop.’ – Can you masturbate? – I did.
– You did? – Yeah.
– Yeah. And then I cried. No.
(laughing) – You did.
Yes, you did. But, I mean, that’s normal. – And they’re like, ‘No crying!’ – And when you’re
having an orgasm, – Crying’s a sound! – When you have an
orgasm, you gotta go, (strained noises) (laughing)
(clapping) – That’s so funny. – Just like a duck.
(laughing) – [Nick] Wow. – I really did.
– Did you feel like you could orgasm? Did they talk about that
you could masturbate? That seems like, if
you can’t exercise, you shouldn’t be
able to do that. – I was trying not to,
’cause you’ve got all of us on the no orgasm plan. – Yeah, I’m not cumming,
anymore, no more cums. – [Nick] What?
– Nope. – [Nick] Wait, with like–
– I stop myself short, now, every time. – Oh, I heard about this!
– So you’re just gonna, you’re edging, forever? – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– The word’s getting around? – No, no, no, just
kinda miss it. – Well, twice a year. Twice a year. – Twice a year, you cum? – That’s my new plan, I came
last week, accidentally, ’cause I was just about to stop and then I was like,
‘I deserve this!’ And then I got
depressed the next day, the next day, I was depressed. – It was Presidents Day.
– [Nick] Wow. – So then I treated
my depression by having another orgasm,
’cause I was like, ‘You know what? ‘I’m so sad, I deserve to
feel this jolt of goodness,’ and then I was so
depressed, the next day. The next day, after that, cumming two days in a
row, is like no, no, no. – So, this is like the
hangover you get, from ecstasy. – Yes.
– [Nick] But for masturbation. – I’m reading this
book right now, that says that orgasms
are like doing drugs. We’re throwing off
our limbic system, when all we do is
try to stabilize it. Meditation, exercise,
mindfulness, is all about just calming
your limbic system, and then you jerk off
and then it’s like, (ringing) and then, the next day,
you expect to be normal? No, that’s gonna throw
things into chaos. – Is this book called the Bible? – Yes.
(laughing) – [Nick] Is this what
you’re tryin’ to, – It is, it’s mine, now. – [Nick] Just
handing out copies. – And also, masturbating,
it’s an addiction thing, too, for the instant
gratification rush. I mean, why do we do comedy? It’s instant gratification. We’re not actors or actresses, where you get your
gratification two years later. We get it right there, so we’re instant
gratification junkies. – I know.
– You know what I mean? Like, yesterday my
wife, for some reason, was very depressed. Very depressed, and I’m very self-centered,
and I asked her to blow me while she was depressed, ’cause
I thought that would help– – That would help her. – Her depression. It didn’t, but it helped me.
(laughing) So.
– It helped you, help her. – If it helps me,
– If you’re in a better mood. – I could only help her. – Yeah, that can only
make her feel better. – It’s better for
the family, honey. (laughing)
– It really is. And the community. And then, if you’re
helping the community, America becomes a better nation. So I think Rich is actually
doing the right thing, here. – Thank you. – I never thought of
treating my depression by sucking dick. Um, but it’s a new thing
that I’m going to look into. It’s a distraction, of course. When I used to have
migraines I’d be like, ‘Please just stick your
dick anywhere, in me’, to strangers. I’d be, to my doctor. No, I just wanted to
feel something else. Because you feel so much
pain, that you’re just like, ‘Fuck me hard, so that it feels, ‘something else is going on.’ – Did it work? – Yeah, it used to, orgasms mix up the
blood in your head, and migraines are so much
about the blood in your, veins in your head,
and all that stuff. So it surges it, and
it kind of resets. So it’s good for, I found
it was good for that, but even depression,
I feel like, yeah, I remember that one
scene in “High Fidelity” when the girl, his
ex-girlfriend is crying about losing her dad, and she’s so depressed and he finally is like, ‘Oh my God, she wants
to have sex with me’, and they’re having sex in
the car, and she’s like, ‘I just wanna feel something
else, other than sad’, and he’s like, ‘Oh, fuck,
she’s just using me.’ But it’s like– – But you know, in
his head, he was like, ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah,
something else, ‘come on, let’s go’,
he’s just ready to fuck. – Yeah, exactly. But the not organism-ing
thing, I mean, I’ve got all my friends into it. – You’re only talkin’
about masturbating, not during sex? – I don’t have sex, so, I’m
not like, I don’t have sex. No, I don’t.
– But you will. – [Nikki] Yeah, but when I’m–
– You never know. – No, but my next
relationship, I’m going to know I’m not gonna cum. I’m gonna try not to.
– [Nick] Interesting. – But it doesn’t mean not sex,
I’ve been over this before, it just means longer
sex, more connected sex, better sex, but
you just don’t cum. And it’s annoying, literally, Anya, you were here talking
about this the other day. – Yeah. – Not cumming,
’cause you did it, didn’t you masturbate the
other day, and not do it? – I did, and I was like–
– You stopped yourself? – I don’t wanna have an orgasm until I see my
boyfriend this weekend. And I was like,
‘Just don’t do it.’ But then I was masturbating,
’cause I was so excited to see him this weekend. (laughing)
– Yeah. – And that we were
both gonna wait. And then I was like, ‘I just
won’t cum’, and I didn’t, and I was in the
best mood, all day. But I was masturbating, and I
had so much fun masturbating, and then I’m like, ‘Don’t,
don’t let yourself cum.’ – Yeah, we always
have this end-goal, it always seems like
a means to an end, and you don’t even
enjoy the means. Whereas, it’s all
about the means. – Its been around town. – Listen to this: orgasms,
I’ve said it before, after an orgasm, it feels
like the day after Christmas. No one likes the
day after Christmas. It sucks, even though you
have all your presents, it just kind of is depressing. – Sometimes you feel that way. Sometimes it’s like
a tune-up thing, where you’re like,
‘I gotta get one,’ like, for example,
I’ve cum twice since you guys started
talking about all this. (laughing)
And I feel good! – You’re so quiet, about it. – That’s the thing,
this is so hot. I’ve been talking
about it on stage, ’cause I’ve been saying I’ve looked at the data,
and when I like a guy and I feel like he’s gonna
be my boyfriend, eventually, I’m like, ‘Okay, we’ll
hook up, I’ll let him cum, ‘let’s do this’, and
then right after he cums, there is a shift, there
is a definite shift where he just isn’t
as into me, anymore. And I’ve narrowed
it down to cumming, so you guys don’t
get to cum anymore. (laughing)
No more cumming. – The worst–
– Narrowed it down. – That is literally it. Before cumming, he is
interested in hearing about my dead cousin, he
wants to hear about my passion for animals,
and veganism, he wants to hear about my
struggles with anorexia, as a young child,
he’s fascinated by, afterwards, there is
just a dullness, there. I can just sense
that there’s a shift, and it’s not even his fault, it’s not like he
doesn’t like me, his body just doesn’t need
me, anymore, ’cause he came. So, no more cums. – I’ve jerked off,
and I’ve come quick, where I had to apologize to
myself, for cumming quick, – Oh my God.
(laughing) – It’s just so
depressing, I was like, ‘Look, I didn’t mean
this, I’m sorry.’ – You just looked so good today. – You buy yourself flowers. – I do care about you, but– – It’s ’cause I
like you so much. (laughing) I’ve had to fake an
orgasm by myself, before, same kind of thing. I’m not joking you, that
sounds like it’s just a bit, but it’s not.
– Wow. – I struggled with orgasms
for so long, in my life, that I would just be like,
‘Just, what would it look like ‘if you did have one?’ ‘Cause I hadn’t had one, really, and so I just would fake it. And sometimes you fake
it, and then you make it. – [Nick] Word.
– Yes. – So you took the Meisner
approach to cumming. You’re like, ‘I’m just
gonna be this person.’ – Act as if.
– Yes! I mean, sometimes, when I
would have, or when I have sex, it feels, I have such a
weird relationship with sex, and I never can picture
myself doing it. Whenever I’m doing it,
I’m like, ‘You’re a fraud, ‘what are you doing?’ I just don’t feel–
– You’re in your head. – I have to disassociate. And sometimes I’m like, ‘Pretend you’re a
porn star, right now. ‘Act like you’re someone else’, and then I can get through
it, and have a good time. But I will say, when
I’ve been saying this thing on stage, where, ‘Guys, you don’t
get to cum anymore. ‘If you’re interested
in dating me, ‘no-no cum-cum,
you’re not gonna cum.’ And I go, ‘And I bet some of you ‘are so turned on, right now’, and they all laugh,
because they are. It’s so hot to be like,
‘You don’t get to cum.’ ‘Cause I know that
I’m into that. All the porn I watch is
girls not being able to cum. Like a guy being able–
– Being told they can’t. – Being told they can’t cum, and then being
told, ‘Now you can.’ That’s my bread and butter. – What are the
keywords, for that? – [Nikki] What do you mean?
– What do you search? For, you’re not allowed to– – It’s called, I type in, – Bossy McGee. (laughing)
– [Nikki] What is it? It’s something– – Iain Finer. (laughing)
– Iain Finer, it’s called forced
orgasm, is one of them, that I looked up, all the
time, because it’s like– – That’s fun. – That’s pretty much
a girl being tied up and like, ‘You have to cum.’ – [Nick] You have to do it. – ‘Cause I don’t know
about other women, I just thought
everyone does this, my body fights an
orgasm ’til the death. Don’t wanna have one,
– [Nick] Wow. – Everything in my body
is like, ‘Don’t do it’, because it’s control. It’s a loss of control, and
I’m obsessed with control. – But it’s control
not to cum, too. You’re controlling not to
cum, so it’s a control thing. – I know, it’s a control thing. It’s just like my food,
it’s just like my exercise, it’s just like my, it’s about control. And when I read this book,
a fourth of this book, and they told me that
you don’t cum anymore, I was like, ‘Oh,
this is just like,’ Just like veganism fits into me having very
regimented food things, and I can be like, ‘I’m a
vegan, that’s why I don’t ‘eat that bread, ’cause
it might have milk in it.’ I just don’t eat bread, and I want an excuse
not to eat bread. But, ultimately, veganism
is what I believe in. But this is what
I believe in, too, and I feel like it’s
the best way to live, and it fits into my already black and white thinking, and control stuff. But I, do you ever
fight orgasms? Did you ever feel that
way, in your life? Jenn knows it! Jenn has never had an orgasm! – Ever?
– Never? – [Nikki] Never! – [Rich] Well, then, she, that’s ’cause she’s– – Jenn’s fighting ’em! – No, she’s not fightin’ ’em, she just doesn’t know
how, or the right person, doesn’t know how to
help her get through it. – Yeah, she’s never
felt comfortable enough, but have you ever tried
to give yourself one? – I have tried, but– – Have you ever been
with a white guy? – Only, only white guys. – ‘Cause usually
they go down, and– – Yeah. I know, but it doesn’t really– – That doesn’t help you? – [Girls In Unison] No. – Going down, when you’re a
girl that hasn’t had an orgasm, going down– – That’s the hardest way to cum. – You’re insecure about your
vagina, and you’re just– – [Nick] So it’s worse? – Yeah, it’s like–
– [Rich] Really? – And she’s young, so she’s– – I’m not insecure
about my vagina, I just never, I’ve cum from
oral sex like twice, in my life. – Get the fuck out. – Wow.
– [Nikki] No, that’s why– – A girl could hit my dick
with a badminton racquet, – [Anya] We’re not all Bonnie. – And I’ll cum.
(laughing) – I know, it’s so
easy for you guys! That’s what I’m searching. – [Rich] You know. Jesus Christ. – Actually, that
would help me cum. I need more
pressure, down there. – Oh my God, what is
that thing called? A shuttlecock.
(laughing) – That’s perfect, yeah.
– That is perfect. Yeah, Jenn, any
advances, in that arena? – No, ’cause now that you said
that no cumming is better, I’m not gonna try. (laughing)
– Yeah, I know, I feel like you should
have one, though. – [Rich] How old– Just to see what it does to you. She’s 26? – [Jenn] 28. No, 27. I’ll be 28, yeah. – Have you ever been close?
– And you’ve never had an orgasm? – Never, no. – See, I don’t like that ask
this stuff, it’s personal, and somehow it’s gonna
come back to haunt me. Do you do things with yourself? – No. – [Rich] You don’t, you don’t– – I mean, I tried,
but it doesn’t, no. I stop myself. I get distracted–
– You don’t see it through, you’re the same as
me, I used to try to, I used to try and masturbate. And as soon as it would
start to feel like, I just didn’t have
the patience for it, which you probably don’t,
because it’s gonna take a while. Because you don’t
even know what to, you have no concept of what
that’s even gonna feel like. It’s wild, Jenn. Ya gotta have one. – [Nick] Wow.
(laughing) – They’re amazing. – [Nick] You should go–
– Like just have one. – [Jenn] I’ll attempt again. – Did you try the one that
I got, with the suction? – I did, but that, yeah. – [Nikki] What happened? – My mom was home, so.
(laughing) – [Nikki] Okay, so,
will you try it again? – I am rock hard right now.
– [Nikki] This weekend? – Just so everyone
knows, I am ready to go. (laughing) – Do you have a puppy? – [Jenn] I do.
– Oh, nuts. – [Jenn] What does
that, what’s that mean? (laughing) – I used to put my
dogs outta my room, whenever I would masturbate, and they would wanna get in,
and so they’d go like this, (tapping on mics)
on the door, and it would just sound like (tapping on mics)
this, and so, that sound became associated
with me cumming. So I would lock them out,
and just wanna take a nap, and they’d do that,
I’d start to get wet, just because my
body would be like, – [Girls In Unison]
Pavlov’s dogs. (laughing) – [Nick] Wow.
– [Rich] Like funny, when– – My pussy salivates. – When Bonnie and I have sex, ’cause the dog
will be on the bed, and we do it from behind,
so I know she’s lookin’ at something she loves.
(laughing) – That’s generous.
– One time, I was gettin’ it on
the couch, from behind, and my dog Luigi came up
and started licking my face, and I was like, ‘This
is like a gang bang,’ like when a guy’s making
out, it really did feel, I was like, ‘Get the
fuck away, Luigi!’ – You’re not part of this. – One time we were,
(laughing) this is true, we
were havin’ sex. Okay, so, the baby’s in
the bassinet, at the time. I have a little bullet
going, down there, as I’m having sex, we’re
both trying to look at porn, it looked like a fuckin’
Salvador Dali painting happened. As we’re doin’ this,
as I’m doing this, I’m shaking the bassinet, so the baby stops crying.
– [Nikki] Unbelievable. – [Nick] Wow. – That’s how fuckin’ bad we
wanted to have sex, that night. – That’s so hot. – That’s back when
we liked each-other. – [Nikki] No, you
should’ve heard– – No, we love each-other– – Your wife last night,
talking about you. – [Rich] What was she saying?
– Oh my God, she was gushing about you. – Dude, like legit gushing. She was like, well, I’ve been feeling–
– Maybe we shouldn’t tell him. – I know, I feel like it’s
out of place, for me– – I don’t care about sex,
did she talk about my comedy? (laughing)
– She didn’t mention any– – Has she told you,
lately, that she likes you? – Yeah, yeah, because, I’ll tell you, off the air, why. – Yeah, we know why.
– We know why. – We know why.
– She’s into you. How many years, 12?
– It was so hot, to me, hearing her talk about you, because I want what you
guys have, more than, like you’re the model of the
relationship that I want. And I know you guys aren’t
perfect, but no one is, and I just see the,
(bumping mic) from what I can tell,
it seems really good, even the hard times, and I don’t know
the details of that, but it just seems like
a great relationship, you just laugh
together, so much, but she’s so sexually
into you, right now. It was so hot to
hear her talk about, she was talking about you
like it was a new crush. That’s how hot she is
for you, right now, so take that, and– – But also blushing,
and giggly– – That’s hot,
that’s very hopeful. – Oh, good.
– Isn’t it so hopeful? They’ve been together so long, and she was like, ‘I don’t know, like I’m really into
him, right now.’ – I just didn’t know
that was possible. I just thought, like– – [Nikki] Rich is a man.
– I can get her to clean my bathroom. – Yeah, dude.
(laughing) – I just thought, after
year three, it’s like oh, then everyone stops fucking. – I know, that’s what I thought. – Like, you have to have a
kid, then, and then it’s over. – Well, we don’t have sex
like we used to, but– – [Nikki] Sure.
– Sure, yeah. – But we, the main thing we do, and like I say, is nobody
makes me laugh, like her. She makes me laugh–
– That’s important. – Even when she’s yelling at me, or, I mean, mad or yellin’, and she goes, ‘It brings
you joy, when I’m upset’, but she stops her
rant, her yelling, like she’s walkin’
off stage, almost. She’ll exit out of the room.
– She’ll drop the mic. – She’ll exit out of the
room like, ‘Goodnight.’ – Yeah, yeah.
(laughing) – Ya know what I mean? And so– – She goes upstairs and
talks to Tim and Dylan. (laughing) – Nobody’s that
fuckin’ mad at you. (laughing) – Well, and it
takes a certain man to be attracted to a
powerful woman, like that. A lot of guys we know,
whether they’re male comedians who won’t date a female
comedian, or, in my case, male musicians who
will say, openly, ‘I don’t wanna date a
woman, in this field.’ I think they’re threatened,
by a powerful woman, but you’re not. – No, not at all– – [Nikki] Yeah, you’re
turned on by it. – See, I don’t look
at it as powerful, I look at her as creative. She is as creative
as anybody I know. I could never, I look at her like:
she can write, direct, do stand up, and
I’m lookin’ at her like, goin’, ‘Holy
fuck, she’s brilliant. ‘I could just do stand up.’ – But so many guys don’t even
have that on their list– – Pedestal.
– They’re like, ‘She’s gotta be hot,
she’s gotta be young.’ – Yeah, I look up to her. – That is it, we were just talking about this.
– That’s so cool. – I was just getting my
hair and makeup done, and the makeup artist was
talking about how she’s like, ‘I just notice that all of my ‘friend’s happiest
relationships, ‘the guy is younger
than the woman.’ And I was like, ‘I don’t
think it’s about age, so much, ‘as it is about,
in a relationship,’ and I’ve heard this
countless times, ‘the man should
always like the woman ‘more than the woman
likes the man.’ Like he should feel
grateful to be with you, wanna be with you, and the
woman should respect him, and honor him, and
all of those things, but the balance should
always be, slightly, he likes you more. And with younger guys,
they tend to be like, ‘Oh, I need to be a man, ‘because I’m younger
than this woman’, and so they tend to put a
older woman up on a pedestal just by virtue of her
having more experience. – That’s probably, when guys
get older, they figure out, I think, that’s what to go for. But when guys are younger, they think the way to
always like a girl more, is just to have
her be smokin’ hot. But then you eventually
get used to that, like anything else.
– That gets boring. – To always have a
woman that you respect, who’s creative,
that you admire– – That’s nice to hear. – You gotta go through a lot
of mistakes, to figure out. – [Nikki] I know. – I’m not very affectionate. I’m just how I was brought up. – It’s really nice
to hear you say that, because that is what I
want in a relationship, is someone to be like,
‘God, she’s so funny.’ Like what I’m best at. When a guy tries to be too cool, and not laugh at my shit. When they’re too over-aware, they’re insecure that they’re
not funny, ’cause they’re not, and because they’re a
normal dude, that does– – They’re competitive,
for no reason. – And they try not to laugh. I dated this one guy
that used to be like, ‘You’re literally
the funniest person ‘I’ve ever met in my life’, and I’m like, ‘Well, you
haven’t met a lot of people, ‘then, because, believe
me, I’ll introduce you ‘to some people.’ But he used to always say that, ‘You’re the funniest
person’, I go, ‘It’s so funny you say that, ‘because you’ve
never once laughed ‘at anything I’ve said.’ Because, in the moment, he
would never give me a laugh because it showed
weakness, to him, I think. Or it showed that he was giving, how could I both be
the funniest person, and I know that
you’ve never laughed, because I pay attention
to those things. And he’s like, ‘Yes I have!’ And I was like, ‘Never,
once, have I made you laugh.’ So, that just shows me
that men are actively trying not to
celebrate the one thing that I’m actually confident
of, is being funny. I tend to go for guys that,
I mean, my last boyfriend actually thought I was the
funniest person in the world, and that felt so good when I
would catch him looking at me like you’re describing, where I would just be shining,
I would be in a monologue, and I’d be killing in a room, and I would just
see him be like, (sighing) That was the best feeling,
ever, to be appreciated for what I know I’m
good at, as opposed to, ‘I wanna fuck you so bad.’ Which, also feels good,
but, yeah, I think I need someone to think, I have a list of requirements
for my next boyfriend. They need to think
I’m super funny. And that didn’t used to be
on it, ’cause I was like, ‘I know I’m funny, I don’t
need a guy to think I’m funny.’ Yes I do.
– No, it feels great. – So that’s number
one, on the list? – That’s gotta be up there, now. – Because you wanna be seen. We all wanna be
seen, for who we are, and that’s a core part of
your talent, your being, the thing that really
makes you, you. It’s like what Rich sees in
Bonnie, is the core Bonnie. And that’s what she
loves about you, too, is you’re so funny. – She said, she goes, ‘I don’t
care if you talk to girls, ‘or other comics, I don’t
care’, but she goes, ‘If I see you laughing, at them, ‘I’ll break her fuckin’ arm.’ – Yes!
(laughing) Agreed.
– That’s great. – Thank you so much
for watching that clip, that you just watched. Did you enjoy it? I hope you did. If you did, thumbs up it! Why don’t you subscribe? Why don’t you just keep
watching more videos? Let them play. Share with your friends. Go share on your
Instagram story. Go, just have a great day.

 

27 Responses

  1. You Up with Nikki Glaser

    November 19, 2019 5:03 pm

    Nikki and Nick are pro-meditation, but Rich is hesitant: 0:50

    Rich explains what it’s like performing in theaters versus in clubs: 4:13

    Nikki and Rich exchange stories about their crappy club experiences: 9:26

    Anya recaps her silent retreat: 13:00

    Nikki wants everyone to stop having orgasms: 16:19

    Rich talks about how he and his wife, fellow comic Bonnie McFarlane, keep the magic alive: 28:31

    Reply
  2. Troph2

    November 19, 2019 5:15 pm

    The more you listen to Nikki the easier it is to see why she is single. She's a funny comic but boy does she have issues.

    Reply
  3. The Observer

    November 19, 2019 7:04 pm

    Nikki is evolving… or rather blossoming. People may see issues, However, I see a really tough person scrapping towards victory against daunting odds. She's Hot but she also has my respect. She'll make a damn good… wife, partner (and she might hate to admit, idk) a mom.

    Reply
  4. You Up with Nikki Glaser

    November 19, 2019 7:07 pm

    Welcome to the new You Up w/ Nikki Glaser YouTube channel. Subscribe for new episodes and clips every week: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEVBir9A-WQIOZq4JmAifUg?sub_confirmation=1

    Reply
  5. Don Johnson

    November 19, 2019 8:44 pm

    Also, Nick, congrats on recovery. Stick with whatever works for you, man, and don't listen to anyone who tells you your issues are imaginary. Therapists exist for a reason.

    Reply
  6. Lite Roadie

    November 19, 2019 8:46 pm

    Can you guys post the time and date of the video recording in the description of these videos please? Just so we know when they were broadcast.

    Reply
  7. shora farahani

    November 19, 2019 10:58 pm

    what's up with "normal" people that the more they get rich and famous, the more cookoo and out of touch they become? this show was so much more normal a year ago… its too much now 🙁

    Reply
  8. Carlo DeVito

    November 19, 2019 11:12 pm

    I have to know can the one fucking moron who gave her a thumbs down who are you? It's not Nikki's fault you still live with momma in her basement at 40 years old

    Reply
  9. Bob Furman

    November 19, 2019 11:40 pm

    I've been a professional waiter, for 30 years…I FN hate people now…maybe hate is too strong a word…how bout annoyed by!!

    Reply
  10. Michael Lorenson

    November 19, 2019 11:51 pm

    I've come to the same conclusions about orgasms, as well. But this happened to me later in life as my hormone production steadily decreased. Before I was about 40, I produced testosterone in sufficient amounts that an orgasm was blessed relief and I was always ready again within as little as 12 hours or so. Now, in my mid-50s, I go close to two months in between, and suffer the depression Nikki talked about after I allow it to happen. I would love to find a woman who really knows how to "edge" me. I knew one once, but that was a very long time ago. Luckily, I know how to do it for myself! Unfortunately, sex, particularly for us older people, is badly misrepresented in the mainstream arts (TV, movie, etc). That makes it harder for all of us to calibrate our expectations, making relationships more challenging. Thank god for stand-up, maybe the only place where we talk truth about taboo subjects. Great show, Nikki and the gang.

    Reply
  11. ten littleindians

    November 20, 2019 12:16 am

    We need to lock Nicki in a chastity belt so she can go cold turkey on her masturbation urges. Hang the key to the belt under a glass dome locked on the center of the table in the on air room. Have a little emergency hammer hanging next to the dome so Nicki can break the glass when she finally caves.

    Reply
  12. Matt O'Quinn

    November 20, 2019 3:04 am

    My wife has severe anxiety disorder and can barely go outside she can't meditate because all she does is get caught in a dread spiral when she's in her own head.

    Reply
  13. Celtic Batman

    November 20, 2019 6:22 am

    I would check many of the boxes Nikki describes… oh well a guy can dream. Funny clever smart and beautiful…

    Reply

Leave a Reply