Don’t Force Happiness.

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Hi, I’m Paul Krismer your happiness
expert. In this video we’re gonna talk all about how when you want to be
happy— Really really you want to be happy. You want to want it really badly.
Then it’s really hard to be happy. The more we want something, the more we want to be happy, this craving comes up inside me… I
feel it so badly, I want to be happy! I want to be happy! All I can be aware
of is my lack of happiness. It’s terrible, in the pursuit of happiness I
become unhappy. In this current societal focus on positive feelings, that
can be a really bad thing. This whole issue of what we want most, we feel least
is something called the backwards law. In this video I’m not only gonna
explain this important deep eastern philosophy, I’m gonna tell you how you
get out of it a little bit too, so stay tuned. As a coach public speaker and
best-selling author, I teach topics just like this one all
around the world. So stay tuned and I’ll give you practical tools that you can
use to make both yourself and those around you both happier and more
successful. So what exactly is this backwards law? The philosopher Alan Watts amongst others talks at length about this idea. In a nutshell it’s this
idea that the more attachment I have to something, the more I want some
particular accomplishment or acquisition, the more that thing feels difficult to
have. If I gave a metaphor it’s like swimming in a current. The water’s
coming at me and I really want to get over there. Here the water is coming up,
swimming is so hard with the currents rushing against me. I can’t get to
where I want to go! So I just work harder and I swim. I’m putting all my
power to it, I’m getting exhausted and I’m still not getting to where I want to
go. We have to find somehow to work with the current. Or maybe it’s a simple
in this case of turning around and letting the current take you to shore
and then walk up to the edge to where you want to go. There’s another way to
get there and a lot of what we want in life is exactly like that. We push
against the current and it’s the fact that our wanting exists that creates the
current. So when we’re wanting happiness we want, we want and we want. We
become more and more aware of how we don’t have until the more I focus on
becoming happy the more it is I’m aware of the lack of happiness. Sadness is
just the same. The more is I’m hating sadness: “I really can’t stand this,
I’m feeling so awful. I don’t like it, I don’t like it.” The more I’m aware of how bad I
feel, I’m the hating that’s in me and the lack of acquisition of “not sad” that I’m
feeling. I become sadder and sadder and sadder. The same with loneliness. “Oh
gosh I’m feeling so lonely, I’m all by myself.” I’m even more aware of how
lonely I am. Then I say “Well I must not be a very good person because
nobody’s hanging out with me, so now I’m even more lonely and desperate and
unhappy.” That’s the backwards law. The things that you want get more difficult
to acquire. I don’t want sadness and so you get more
sadness. I do want happiness and the lack of happiness seems more and more
apparent. That’s the backwards law. The science is
really good people, who invest in their personal happiness in fact become happier,
and in this video I’m not suggesting that that’s not true. The science is
solid it’s just that I’m really focused and concentrated and gripping on that
outcome. Then I actually delay the arrival of that greater happiness. Does
that make sense? So we need to just ease up a little and go with the current. Be
smart, work your process but don’t necessarily grip on to the outcome
before you’ve actually achieved it. Because that overly tight grip makes the
thing that you want less able to come into your hands. If you were a hockey
player and can’t score any goals; people talk about that. “He’s gripping the
stick too tightly.” It’s just no allowing for the flow to happen. It’s this I’m
over consciously concentrating on what it is I want and not just letting things
come to me. That as I give in a little, go with the current, I can have more what I
want. So that doesn’t mean stop wanting, it just means be smart about
your wanting. Yes of course I want to be happy and there’s good happiness
techniques that you can learn in these videos that I produce or lots of other
places and great books including mine back there. But it’s the accepting what
is right now— maybe I’m not so happy or maybe I’m only medium happy and that’s
what it is right now. I have goals and techniques and a definitive plan
that I can work towards to get happier and still and remain grounded in the reality
of now. Now the situation is whatever it is. I’m so so happy or I’m sad or I’m
pretty darn happy, but that reality of now and the focus of the process that
occurs in the now the pursuit of my goals, that happens in the in the now.
Those are the things that make it manageable to work towards what we want and not to focus on the outcome. Because as soon as I focus on: “Look I really want to be happy.” Then I can’t be happy in this moment. Whereas
if I say I really want to work this process then I’ll find myself working
the process and if the process has got a good plan— its definitive and it’s based
on good science, then you will simply without much hesitation and without much
doubt be able to move towards a happier and happier state in your life.
That’s by not gripping the outcome but instead gripping the process. I’ve
got a little freebie that I’m gonna add to the bottom of this. The link is
below here somewhere. It’s a guided meditation because
meditation is one of the things that helps us be in the now and give up our
attachment to the things we don’t yet have and instead just become more
present with what we do have and where we are right now. So that’s it for this
week, I hope you liked the video and if you do like it share it, like it or do
all those things. If you want more of this kind of content, subscribe to my channel
and you’ll get videos like this on a weekly basis. Thanks for watching, bye for now!

 

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