How Can You Enhance Your Emotional Intelligence ?

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See, there were IQ tests. And if you get less than a certain
percentage, what are you? Idiot! So, idiot is not a bad word
at all, it’s a factual word. Like, if someone is
dirty, you tell him, “You look dirty.” It’s factual. In the same way, if you get
40%, I don’t know exactly, But say, less than 30% IQ,
then you are…? (Idiot) So, my suggestion
to all the males is, Never go for an IQ test. Why? I’ll tell you –
it’s for your benefit only. Just now, your wife calls you
an idiot and then says sorry. You didn’t understand? Once the test is done,
then it will be very clear, You are an idiot. Then they will be calling you an idiot,
and not even telling you sorry. So, what is an IQ test? It’s a test, by which your
intelligence is measured, If it’s lower than some mark
then you are called, ‘idiot’. New research in psychology says,
there are 3 types of intelligence. 1. Rational Intelligence 2. Emotional Intelligence 3. Spiritual Intelligence This is the new research, Say, 10-20 years back,
they realised, That we measure the IQ only in
terms of rational intelligence, Rational intelligence
would be what? Rational intelligence
is thought awareness, Emotional intelligence
is feelings awareness, Spiritual intelligence
is Soul awareness. Very, very simple. So, thought awareness means, How intelligent you are
in terms of – quick-wit. How fast you can respond to the
situation, regarding your thoughts; Thoughts maturity, memory,
many, many things, But all around your
thought processes. How far-sighted you are; How much you understand what
the other person has said; Because so many times I ask
something, and you answer something; Which shows there is
no thought awareness. So, everything which comes under thought
awareness is called rational intelligence. Up till now, all the tests were conducted to
measure your rational thinking, intelligence, And your intelligence
was measured. But they realised, who are intelligent
in this term, in this aspect, They sometimes are
emotionally stupid. They get angry very fast,
so that does not work. They may be so intelligent! But in life, we say, ‘Educated but not wise.’ Okay, so, one was rational
intelligence, right? Second was emotional
intelligence. Now, this is something
you should understand. The difference between
emotion and emotional. If you get mixed up
then I’ll change my word. Instead of emotion, I’ll
use the word feelings. Otherwise, you’ll get confused,
emotion and emotional. Because both mean
something different. Let’s take feelings and
emotional, 2 words. What is feelings? Beautiful energy of the Soul,
energy of the consciousness. The power of the Soul. That is called – feelings. Because a mic does not
have that feeling. Such nice things are spoken,
but no feelings arise in it. Because that energy is
only not there in that. It does not have that power. It does not have consciousness,
it does not have the ability to feel. So what is a feeling? It’s a beautiful energy of
the Soul, of consciousness. And what is, to be ’emotional’? When this feeling is disturbed. When this beautiful
feeling is disturbed, At that time, the negative emotions
that arise like anger, lust, etc. That is called emotional. So feelings and emotional. You are understanding? Feelings is your nature and
emotional is your weakness! In fact, the dictionary
meaning of emotional is, Go home and see
in the dictionary, The meaning of emotional, you’ll get,
agitated mind, say, disturbed mind. Because mind is not only brain –
that it is related only to thoughts. No. Feelings too. ‘Just now my mind
is not stable,’ And you are saying
in terms of feelings. Just now, I am frustrated,
angry, whatever. It all starts first as irritation.
Do you understand? Everyone understands
what is irritation? A little discomfort,
nothing more. It is okay whether
you get it or not. It is not a big thing, but a
little discomfort you experience, Because your feelings
have been disturbed. So there is a discomfort.
That discomfort is called irritation. Everybody has experienced?
(Yes) Okay. If it’s not handled properly, or kept
in check, or monitored properly, That irritation turns
into frustration. And that is something –
agitation. Why did this not happen? Why did he do this?
Why? So, during that irritation, with more
of thoughts, and feelings disturbed, It turns that irritation into?
(Frustration.) Not handled properly, turns into?
Anger. Blah, blah, blah, blah – you react. Anger not handled properly,
turns into hate. Hate is permanent residency
of anger in your heart. So, next time I see him,
nothing has happened, But there is hate for him. I don’t want to see his face,
I don’t want to talk to him. That day, why did
he do like that? Now enough of it! So, this is called hate,
it is worse than anger. Anger means a temper
and hate means to abhor. You understand the difference? That is just at the
spur of the moment, It is being short-tempered or whatever! And when it is permanently
residing in you, it becomes hate. It was only at the level of
irritation, but you never bothered, And the feelings got disturbed, disturbed,
disturbed… and turned into hate. Such a small thing maybe. Just that Draupadi
laughing at Duryodhana, “The son of the blind
is also blind.” Now you could easily forget
that also, and forgive also. But it turned from irritation to frustration,
frustration to anger, anger to hate, Hate to war – Mahabharata war; Where he was killed the last,
everyone died before him; how much? But nothing. Once that anger permanently
residing in you, Not only his father,
even he had become blind. Not only Dhritarashtra
but even he became blind. He could not see the loss,
he could only see the throne. So, now you understand the difference
between emotion and emotional? Or feelings and emotional? One is beautiful energy,
second is, energy disturbed. Why does it get disturbed?
Because of attachment. Attachment with your body, Attachment with others’
body, means relationships; Attachment with things, Attachment with thoughts. It’s an addiction. Addiction, I am not saying
in terms of alcohol or tobacco, I am saying, addiction
to the way of thinking. You want to think this way only. That is also an addiction. Because, if you think that way, some
typical types of chemicals are secreted, And you actually
enjoy that feeling. For example, anger, depression,
negativity – you are addicted. Finally, you want to become negative,
so you will take that route of thinking only. This is an addiction. You just don’t want to
think the other way. There was a beautiful story,
I was sharing with the Atmarpits. There was a small girl,
who had 2 apples – big apples! Her mom comes and
asks for one apple, She said,
“Dear, give me one apple.” And the moment she hears this,
she bites one apple, Immediately, she bites
the second apple also. This is not a good gesture. Mom was not happy, She should
know how to share, She should be willing to share,
and this is not so good. This is not a good gesture. You bite the apple, so you can say,
“Now it has been bitten into,” “And I cannot give.” So, this
is not a good gesture. She is about to advise her,
“This is not the way one should behave.” But before she could speak,
the daughter says, “Mom, this is the
sweeter one, take this.” Now, what happened?
What message do you get from this? You may be very knowledgeable,
MA, Gold medallist, PhD, Very, very knowledgeable,
a very, very experienced person, But, learn to delay judgements. Give the privilege to the
other person to explain, Or express his or her viewpoint,
before just reacting. Just imagine, if she had reacted,
or slapped her for being selfish, And then realised, that it was
such a beautiful, loving gesture; Then regret. Our whole life rotates or oscillates
between blame and shame. Blame or shame. Either you want to blame
someone for your miseries, Or you realise that you
unnecessarily blamed someone, So, you are in that guilt
and regret or shame. So, your life is between
blame and shame. Then you just… You can’t be on the path
if you are only with… Now there is no blame,
there is only shame. I am wrong, I am wrong… That also does not work,
you won’t go ahead on this path. Learn and go ahead. Learn? No. One step you forgot,
which you always forget, Be more humble than before
and go ahead. You want the same status again,
after the mistake also. No, you have to pay. So learn, be more humble, which actually will
help you in your path, and then go ahead. So, from one point of view,
you have punished yourself also, And from one point of view, you learnt,
you benefited and you moved ahead. Why is this disturbance
happening? Because things will
always happen outside. Events will occur, circumstances
will change, situations will change, Then why this disturbance?
Because of attachment. I don’t know anything
about cricket. If you go on watching, then,
gradually you create an attachment. Means, then if someone hits a 4, 4…,
it makes you say, “Wow, wow…!” Then, while hitting a 4, if there
is a catch, you say, “Oh….!” Oh! But you were not interested,
you don’t even understand. When people around say he is out,
you have to believe it to be so. In the same way, this attachment to the
outside, makes you get influenced. Because of this influence, your energy gets
disturbed, and then you become emotional. For emotional, we use
the word, sensitive. Right? Sometimes ladies say,
“My nature is very emotional.” Silly, your nature is not emotional,
your nature is peaceful and powerful, And becoming emotional
is your weakness. It is a weakness. Addiction to that weakness
makes you feel that it is your nature, But that’s an addiction. To break this addiction
is your spiritual practice. We are talking only of emotions. Now, what is the solution?
Anybody wants to know? (Yes) Okay, any mother here? You are a loving mother.
Why? Any doubt? Taking care of your
child in your way, I cannot say that is the best,
but you do take care of your child. How does your care start? I am saying a loving mother
taking care of her child. In the morning, your son
or daughter, whatever, You advise her, “Don’t unnecessarily
eat Maggi, okay?” Till yesterday, you were promoting Maggi
because it could be made in minutes. So you were saying, “No dear, don’t
have pav bhaji, should I make some Maggi?” Whatever! But now today you are saying, “Don’t eat Maggi, you have a stomach
ache just now, so, don’t eat Maggi.” You will start your day, you will start your
love, with a little bit of advice. But it’s for her or his
good, so I don’t mind it. Loving mother; a loving
father has nothing to do. A loving mother has a lot
of responsibilities. What does a loving
father have to do? Sometimes when the
mother trains the child, The father says,
“Don’t do this! Be calm.” And when he returns at night,
he gives a toy or chocolate, And if the child is unwell,
he tells the mother, And if the child is well,
he tells himself! So, a loving father
has nothing to do. But a loving mother has
to do great stuff. So, the morning starts with
a little bit of advising. Then, whole day long, or
you can say, afternoon, Suppose, if you have to go out for shopping
or for seva (selfless service) or something, Your kid is at home;
what will you do? Any loving mother can answer. (Leave instructions)
Instructions means…? No, the instructions were given
in the morning. That was advice. Now, you will check,
you will call home; In-between your shopping
also, you will call home, Ask your maid or anyone,
“What is the baby doing?” She says, “She is sleeping.” “Okay,
no problem.” You will disconnect the call. Again after half an hour,
“What is the baby doing?” “It’s playing.” “Did you give her milk or not?” “You take a salary for no reason,
you don’t do any work!” And you will check on the baby,
though you are not there at that time, But you’ll take out
that one minute, Half a minute from your shopping,
or your seva, And just check
whether she is okay. Suppose, you got an answer, “She is
crying, she has a severe stomach ache.” Then you’ll say, “I have
kept this medicine here,” “Give it to her. I’ll
be there in 2 hours.” But somewhere, you’ll keep checking,
and you know how bugging it is. Every half an hour, even
the maid gets bugged, “I am taking care,
do your shopping in peace!” But that care, you will take. And in the night, you
will correct her, “I told you, you should not
be eating this, etc.” If we were to divide it into morning,
afternoon and night, what we call M.A.N., In our planning, we have M.A.N. –
morning, afternoon and night. Morning – you give instructions, advice,
afternoon – you keep checking, And at night – you correct. You are a loving mother,
taking care of your child. You are a loving soul,
take care of your mind; Because the mind
is your child only. The mind is your child, and you are
the loving mother, the loving soul. So what will you do?
Morning? (Advice) No, that was for the mother! Yes, advice only, but you’ll use
the word, positive affirmations. In the morning,
whatever prayers you do, Whatever little meditation, ‘I am a
peaceful Soul, I am a powerful Soul’, Whatever happens, handle yourself
properly. Don’t react to situations. All these positive things
you will instil in the morning. Then, in the afternoon? Checking.
30 seconds I want, not more. And in that 30 seconds,
I don’t want your eyes closed; And in that 30 seconds, I don’t
want you to stop what you are doing. Don’t go on the side and pretend,
don’t be a hypocrite, Else someone will feel
that your sugar is low, He was working till now, and suddenly he’s
sitting on the side, with his head drooping! No, I don’t want
all this nonsense. You are working,
you keep working. Just change your focus
onto yourself, taking care. “Maid, what is she doing?”
Ask your intellect, ‘Intellect, how is the mind?
How is your mind right now?’ For 20 seconds – 30 seconds,
just check your inner states. And third, in the
night, you said, ‘Why did you react
to your in-law? Why?’ Either you have to see
her as a Pure Soul, That’s not possible? Okay, see her as the
manifestation of your past karma. Okay, that’s also not possible? See her as your parent. Whatever different attitudes you may
develop, but you don’t have to react. The problem is, you don’t understand
the meaning of the word, ‘accept’. The moment I say, “Ladies,
please accept your husbands.” “Why Bapa, why are You
telling us only?” Because, you feel the word accept
means agreeing to your husband. Leaving your concepts, and
that’s why that ego comes in, “Why should we accept?” No. Accept means,
‘I will not react.’ Maybe he is 100% wrong. I am not saying that
to accept means, You have to think in that way,
that that person is right only. No. He may be 100% wrong. Or he may be right, but from his
viewpoint, not from your viewpoint. But accepting is that, ‘I will not react, whether he
is right, whether he is wrong.’ Now, what is the use
of the law court? You don’t understand.
I told someone just 2 days back, If someone speaks broken English,
you can see that as, He does not know English, Or, he must be good at other
languages, which I am not good at. If you are asked to speak in Marathi,
you will realise the difficulty. Are you understanding? If the viewpoint
changes a little bit, You will start appreciating him,
instead of criticising. So in the morning, what will you do?
Positive affirmations. The whole day long or afternoon?
Checking. How much?
20 seconds, 30 seconds. And third, at night?
Correction. You shouldn’t be doing this,
you could have been better, You could have expressed yourself
in a different way, in a better way. Okay, no problem.
Now, tomorrow try again. And that correction will be the base
of your affirmations next day morning. Yesterday, I spoke
like this, but today… It’s such a simple process. This is feeling awareness. Okay, so now… if you don’t look after
the children, what will happen to them? They will get spoilt. If you don’t look after the
mind, what will happen? When the mind gets ‘spoilt’, don’t
tell me, ‘Why is my mind like this?’ Because, you don’t do checking,
you only keep shopping. In-between, the 30 seconds you had
to check, if you had done that, Your mind would not be spoilt. One more thing, Now, what will you check?
That much I’ll tell you in 5 minutes. What will you check? There are only 3 steps. 1. Just ask yourself,
‘Are you, feeling good now?’ Just ask, ‘Are you feeling
good or bad?’ Suppose, just now you are
in a state of anger, Anger also has its advantages. You can say it much better. Your daughter is
stuck to the TV. She has exams, and she is
sitting on the sofa, watching TV. You will tell her lovingly once,
“Dear, now you must study,” “I did not say anything
for a while, as you watched TV.” Right? Exactly this way? “I did not say anything.”
You do stress that too! She feels, ‘That’s nothing great,
this much was my right.’ ‘You have not given me anything,
worth taking credit for.’ But that is what is
going on in her mind. You say, “Now get up
and start studying.” Will she get up? No. You tell her the second time, “If you don’t get up now, I will
tell your father at night.” She thinks in her mind, ‘Tell him if you want to, you both will
only fight, it is not going to affect me.’ But that’s what is
going on in her mind. She is not saying anything. Now third;
you shout angrily, “If you don’t want a slap,
then get up and start studying.” And she got up.
Was the anger advantageous or not? Yes, your work was done. There were 2 disadvantages
and 1 advantage. What was the advantage?
The work was done. What about the disadvantage? The first disadvantage is,
the relation got strained. The work was done, But the day she
becomes independent, She won’t even inform you that,
“Mummy, I am going out.” The moment she gets independence;
because there is nothing like, ‘I am responsible to my
mother, I love her,’ ‘I don’t want to hurt her,
because she has hurt me so much.’ That is what is in her mind. Third, you put a wrong
impression in your mind, That good can come
from doing wrong, By doing wrong, by getting angry, good
things can happen, work can be done. You created this wrong
impression in your mind. Next time, again you will
take the help of anger only. After that also, you will take
the support of anger only. You will not take the support
of love or forgiveness, Because your impressions only said,
‘The work gets done only if you get angry.’ So, what good things and
what bad things happened? What good thing happened?
Work done. What bad thing happened?
The relation was strained. What was the other bad thing?
Wrong impressions! Ask yourself, ‘Are you feeling good?’ So, you will say, ‘No, I am in
irritation, I am in frustration,’ ‘Lot of thoughts regarding that one
stupid thing are coming in my mind,’ ‘God is not coming in my mind, but
those thoughts are coming in my mind.’ ‘I am not feeling good.’ Second question: Grade it. From 1 to 10,
where are you just now? The third question is, Who created this state of yours? Who is the creator? “Obviously him!” This is your false
belief regarding anger. The other. You are catering to 4 wrong beliefs: 1. Because of him, I am
miserable, or I get angry. You say this when you are
referring to your kids. 2. I have no choice. I did not want
to get angry, but I have no choice. With such spoilt kids,
I have to do this only. This is also wrong.
You always had a choice. 1. Because of him
2. No choice 3. This is normal for mothers.
Mothers have to do this much. 4. Shouting is a good motivator.
That motivates that person to work. You harbour such
false beliefs, And then you want that anger
should go away from your home. First, remove the false beliefs. 3 things you are going to check. 1. How are you feeling? 2. Grade it. 3. Who is the creator
of this feeling? Your anger will have to recede,
with these 3 questions. Because anger can only be sustained
when somebody else is making you unhappy. The moment you say that you
are making yourself unhappy, Okay, I ask,
Nehal, I ask you, Which are the 3 magical words a husband
should utter to make his wife happy? 3 magical words! Fast, you want help? It’s my mistake. See, beautifully you
have to go ahead. Aware
3 ‘A’s 1. Aware 2. Acknowledge and accept it Don’t try to justify your anger,
or depression or anything. 1. Aware – checking
2. Accept and acknowledge it 3. Ascend Yes, I am unhappy because of me. This much is not enough. Now become a witness to it. Withdraw the energy, which
you had supplied to anger. When you become
a witness, an observer, You are withdrawing the
energy from anger, Now anger can’t stay. It says, ‘I was alive because of you,
but you withdrew your energy.’ How beautiful it is. Just tell me 2 things. There is one circle.
We call it, ‘in your control’, And there is a space outside the circle,
‘out of your control’. Now let’s do it quickly.
The moment I call out each thing, You put it in the basket. Your thoughts?
(In my control) Her thoughts?
(Outside my control) Your words?
(In my control) Her words?
(Outside my control) Your behaviour?
(In my control) Her behaviour?
(Outside my control) Your ideas?
(In my control) Her ideas?
(Outside my control) You are clear. Now whatever you put as
‘in my control’ – control that. Whatever you said was, ‘out of your
control’, don’t try to change it. Because the section was called,
‘What is not in your control.’ So, that – you accept it. No, no, you are doing
exactly opposite. What is in your control,
your reactions, You don’t want to do
anything about it, And you want to change
her nature, etc. But now you are clear,
so I don’t need to say. Don’t take revenge,
but transform. Every time there is a feeling of revenge.
Instead, transform yourself. That’s it. Be like a rose flower, which takes
something even from manure, And turns it into fragrance. From someone’s insults,
from someone’s abuses, Take something from it and give
it the fragrance of friendliness.

 

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