How to Get Over Someone


We tend to be generous towards people who can’t get over someone. It sounds romantic, if a little sad. The love affair happened a year ago but still the ex’s thought remain loyal
to every detail of the story. Maybe they’ve moved to another country. Perhaps they’ve married someone else. Maybe, they’re dead.
None of it matters. The most famous fictional love affair
of the 18th century Goethe’s Sorrows of Young Werther is a hugely sympathetic study
of this kind of romantic fixation. The hero, Werther,
an ardent young student falls passionately in love with a charming and beautiful woman
named Charlotte. She likes him but
doesn’t love him back in part because
she’s married to someone else. There are plenty of
other nice women who single, attractive,
and interested in Werther. But, he has no time for them. The only one he cares for
is Charlotte. The one who doesn’t care
for him. Eventually, unable to have
Charlotte’s love Werther decides to kill
himself. The novel proved
hugely charming to its original audiences. Who praised it for its deep
and pure understanding of love This sort of unrequited passion so often celebrated in literature
and society more generally may sound generous,
and in that sense, loving, but, a devotion to
an unrequited situation is in truth, a clever way
of ensuring that we won’t end up in a relationship at all. That we won’t ever need to suffer
the realities of love. Fixation on an absent other allows us to be publicly
committed to love while privately sheltered
from any of its more arduous demands. The fear of love maybe
motivated by a range of factors A squeamishness around hope, a self-hatred which makes
someone else’s love feel eerie, or a fear of self revelation
which breeds a reluctance to let anyone into
the secret part of ourselves. The fears are serious
and deserve sympathy. But they are generally not the issues that the romanticly fixated person ever wants to discuss. They prefer to keep the spotlight
on the unresponsive ex, rather than on their motives for continuing to dwell on them. The way to unfixate
is not to tell ourselves that we never like the person. It’s to get very serious and specific
about what the attraction was based on. And then to come to see that
the qualities we had admired in the ex must necessarily exist
in the other people who don’t have the set of problems
that make the original relationship impossible. The careful investigation
of the character of one person, paradoxically but very liberatingly shows that we could in fact,
also love someone else. This is not an exercise in getting us
to give up on what we really want. The liberating move is to see that what we want has to exist
in places beyond the pain enducing character we originally identified it in. We should gently recognize
that being dissapointed and abandoned has its curious satisfactions. It is in an emotional sense, a very safe position to be in indeed. Yet true love isn’t to be acquitted
with pining for an absent figure. It means daring to engage
with a truely frightening prospect. A person who is available
and thinks despite our strong background
supposition to the contrary that we’re really
rather nice. That is perhaps,
the only sort of challenge that properly deserve
the lyrical and grand word ROMANTIC.


100 Responses

  1. Matteo See

    May 13, 2019 7:59 am

    I fucked up the relationship and i know she hasn’t moved on but i dont think I can win her back

  2. Prabhat Soni

    May 20, 2019 1:16 pm

    You should reference what parts of the content you have borrowed so we viewers can also read them as well

    Example 3:16
    Is from

  3. fhfs

    May 21, 2019 7:11 pm

    1.Stay busy.
    2. Stay off social media
    3. Stay away from clubs or lounges you went to together.
    4. Join groups and meet new people
    5. Make a weekly planner and weekly goals that has you moving.

  4. Furious

    May 23, 2019 12:09 am

    I'm not sure if I am in the wrong video, but I have this great teacher, that spoke to me differently than all the other teachers and actually made me love chemistry,

    She's leaving this year, I don't exactly know why, but I know Ill miss her a lot

  5. Aarti Patel

    May 23, 2019 9:01 pm

    My crush liked someone else and talked about her in front of my face even thought he knew I liked him I feel bad those girls out their in this similar situation

  6. Outlaw

    June 1, 2019 2:13 pm

    There’s is a girl that is attracted to me and I’m attracted to her, but I don’t want to get into a relationship. Relationships bring nothing but stress, frustration and heartbreak. I want to forget about her for good so I can concentrate on my career.

  7. AdrienGetsFed MarinetteFeedsAdrien

    June 5, 2019 5:33 am

    Im getting over my cousin i love him as a cousin now he's going into another country he's 8 im 9

  8. VOIP Portland

    June 9, 2019 6:43 am

    Men sulk in sadness and despair for weeks, months, sometimes years. Women just flipped the switch and move on.
    But society wants you to believe women are the delicate flowers.

  9. greventlv

    June 9, 2019 10:20 pm

    "That thinks, contrary to the negative supposition, that we are really rather nice." This part in the video made me cheeks flush, like I had just kissed someone for the first time 🙂

  10. Claude Dawmpston

    June 11, 2019 10:14 am

    Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me with a younger dude, taking his virginity, when she drank too much a couple weeks ago. She started acting super weird and pushing me away. I asked over and over what happened, giving her every chance to admit the truth… worst part is our relationship was kept secret and she didn't want anybody to know even though it's been nearly 2 years. Red flag there.
    She was basically trying to sweep everything under the rug like none of it existed, including us until she lost her phone and I found it.
    Couldn't help but go through that shit and there it was, finally the truth. I confronted her and after she confessed a bunch of shit she apologized and asked for a hug… are you kidding me? I've treated you like a queen, giving myself entirely and you waste that shit and expect things to just be ok?
    Can't even look her in the face without my stomach twisting… and I have to see her nearly every day…

  11. The Thinking Being

    June 11, 2019 5:35 pm

    I understand how love might make someone feel impossibly hooked to them, but jumping off a balcony closes all future possible options. This man was closed-minded and was not willing to look for alternate solutions outside of what he already knew

  12. ez Lava

    June 11, 2019 11:42 pm

    "Sharlet" she was the love of my life until one day everything vanished.For me to move on i had to take the red pill and am now okay.

  13. Brandon Faun

    June 12, 2019 7:39 pm

    Fall in love with yourself first? 🖕
    That's easier said than done and can be a lifelong effort…doesn't mean you should deprive yourself of the opportunity to invest in someone else.

  14. King Henry VIII Tudor

    June 14, 2019 2:25 pm

    I always wish I never intangle with her as I was not suppose to but did because of work.
    She was very charming and loved to socialize so we quickly became best of friends. Funny fact is that she was rhe only person in my school to give me both a Christmas and birthday present.
    Off course I was infatuated with her and had a crush but chose to hide it .
    Thn one day, she started treating me like a stranger again, a nobody, seemingly very angry at me for reasons even she doesnt want to tell me. Which is very illogical for a Valedictorian student.

    But anyway, she is gone now but I still cant get over her and I still feel very unsettled as you know, you are moving on with somehing not finished just doesnt feel right.

  15. Rey Reyes

    June 16, 2019 10:49 pm

    Hey school of life!
    I wanna say thank you guys for these videos and all the books.
    You have no idea how you have influenced, matured and helped me grow as a person.
    Your videos have given me direction in everything from confidence to empathy in others to even up holding my integrity in the craft I'm passionate about, comedy. You've made me feel like I have a purpose but I do request thing of you. I struggle with letting go, in all aspects of my life, I didnt realize it until my therapist pointed it out. From letting go dumb comments online to letting go past relationships, mistakes, I even still linger on things I did wrong in high school. I have idea of what the issue is rooted in but if there was anything you guys put in a video on the subject I'd appreciate it. Thank you again for everything.

  16. Matrinique

    June 20, 2019 4:50 am

    "getting over someone" has too many unhelpful connotations at this point. I think the better phrase to use is "letting go of someone." Let them go. Let it, the relationship, go. Let go of that person, that past. Accept how it is, cry it out, think it through, in order to gently set yourself free. What was that saying? "Strength doesn't always mean holding on. Sometimes it means letting go." And from Anne Frank, "the only bolts we need to worry about are the bolts we set in our own minds." Freedom is freedom from our own mental traps.

  17. Kyle W

    June 20, 2019 5:34 pm

    What really hurts is that I know she likes me but doesn’t want to be with me because she is leaving soon. 😞 It’s even worse cause I see her everyday.

  18. Chloe, That's me

    June 23, 2019 2:04 am

    I met someone today all I know is that he is a Gemini and likes anime like me….

    I'm already in love

  19. Loser Gang

    June 30, 2019 7:14 am

    The worst thing is that she's done nothing wrong. At all. She seemed interested in me for a while. Even told me she'd date me if she were to ever want a relationship. Told me she loved me (unclear if she meant platonic or romantic but that's Capricorn's for ya). We had a weird moment. She says she's straight and I respect that. She may have truly thought she had feelings. Maybe she did. Maybe she didn't. Maybe even she does still. It's hard to see how she feels. I cannot know unless I ask. I can't put her in that position. She is one of my best friends. She was the first one to make my heart race in the best way. I can't hurt her by putting our friendship in jeopardy. The only way to keep safe is to wait for her. If she does nothing, I'll be okay. I just don't know what'll happen if she does something. It's been a while since she's given any signs. I found a way to put crushes on standby. The list. It's people who you pause crushes on, but if they were to show interest, you would be open to a relationship with them. Depending on the circumstances of course. Don't follow my advice dog I'm just as much of a gay mess as you.
    Yee yee, a minorly bummed out lesbian

  20. Steve Zali

    July 7, 2019 1:59 pm

    I got helped with my Breakup thanks to those guys FOR FREE: Super helpful

  21. Translator

    July 19, 2019 2:21 pm

    It took more more than 2 years to get over someone I didn’t even date…..0/10 wouldn’t do it again

  22. Bobanderand

    July 19, 2019 4:43 pm

    Been single for years and I just met this awesome girl that also likes me and we hit it off this week, but as of now i won't be living within a few hundred miles of her at any point in the next year 🙁 guess i'll stay single

  23. Sydney Sacino

    July 21, 2019 1:17 am

    I feel like it wasn’t smart to put the wine bottles in the thumbnail bcus what if someone’s an alcoholic lol

  24. Jack Leach

    July 26, 2019 8:44 pm

    I seriously need help. So I know a girl who lives in New Zealand (I live in the UK), and we know eachother through our Parents being mates. She came to visit in January (before then we were mates and I thought nothing more), however, since her visit, I’ve developed strong feelings for her and I’ve got real sadness due to the fact she lives at the other side of the world and I won’t really see her. And because nothing will come of this due to that fact, that makes me a real depressed shit which I have been from January and still now. I have honestly tried everything to try and forget these feelings. I’ve logged out of social media, tried to do different activities, I even tried talking to the girl about my feelings for her telling her everything, but that failed and I almost lost my good friendship with her so I don’t wanna talk to her again. I’ve tried everything!! But I can’t get rid of this pain and it’s been too long!! I recognise it takes time but I feel like it’s taking far too long. I have even self harmed countless number of times and thought about suicide multiple times. I really want help but my Parents are a lot more reluctant to that and just say I need to do stuff. But I am!!! I really want help and I’m not allowed it. Someone please help me!! I just want to be friends with her and have no feelings for her. That’s all I ask!! :’(

  25. Zenyatta

    July 29, 2019 12:58 pm

    I had a story with a girl
    She is spanish and im Italian
    I was working in a hotel, I was doing school work experience
    I met her and after 1 week of liking her I tried with all my courage to leave a paper message to her
    just a message with"1 coffee trial"
    from that moment we started to hang out and doing things until the day when she had to leave(4 days later)
    I used all the remaining final day to spent time with her
    We danced with all the tourists and had fun, it even started to rain so much
    at 6am she had to leave and it was so sad
    A kiss and a"goodbye" with her jumping to the bus
    so much rain in that time
    it was 2 days ago
    And It's just too hard to live like before

  26. Rohan Cchauhan

    August 6, 2019 12:21 am

    Being a guy with a damn busy schedule, still she always runs on back of my mind, its been two years since break up, still can't move on.

  27. Hossam ElGebeily

    August 19, 2019 1:21 am

    Had a dream that her and I were back together, then in a second everything was back the same 😢

  28. Steve20127

    August 20, 2019 8:46 am

    I lost the love of my life over 35 years ago and I still think of her. The pain is still there, but it's a bittersweet ache now, even though I will be in love with her until my last breath.

  29. Frivolity Machine

    August 21, 2019 1:23 pm

    How come these videos all seem to be somehow negative? How to know if you're depressed. How to break up with someone, how to know if you have anxiety or PTSD? Seems like a (((Freudian))) tactic to fill us with self-doubt or just doubt in general.

  30. Calcelmo

    August 27, 2019 12:04 pm

    A genuine childhood bliss left me once grade school progressed. We got along really well, but never dated or talked about how we feel…I’ve forgotten about her with time…yet now, 4 years later she is the first thought in my mind after I wake and the last before my sleep.

  31. Firddaus Bakri

    September 2, 2019 6:43 pm

    On 2012 I met a woman that changed my life forever, her name is SUHADAH, I never imagined that my life would be worse like today, I suffered depression, mental illness and insomnia because I can't keep myself away from thinking about her, 7 years I had bad experience since I met and know SUHADAH, now I tried to pull myself away from her and gain some strength to let her go although I can't stop myself about thinking her, I want to tell ya that meeting a wrong person for love may bring a damage/ruin your life. And for those who had same problems with me, I hope u stay strong and keep patience, because after the darkness, the light would come

  32. Der Noah

    September 6, 2019 1:01 pm

    Ok guys
    First of all im german so please dont be mad at me if something is grammatically wrong
    I think the people here in the comments got the same problem in another way and i would like to ask you all a question

    I feel empty because i miss a girl i love incredibly much and my problem is that there is no problem we are made for each other at least thats how it felt to me i think its called a soul mate or whatever
    The point is we wont see each other for a year
    Because i met her in a camp and she lives in Slovakia (I live in germany) and before your asking how i could fall in love with her without being able to talk with her
    Thats another story i can explain if you are interested so now that i have described my Situation
    My question
    What can i do against this emptiness or what should i do?

    Filling it with something else like sport or eating doesnt work and i dont want to resort to alcohol either
    Please help me

  33. StevenleeG1

    September 10, 2019 10:16 pm

    Why did I ever open the door and let her back in my life?? I wish she would of never came back…. How do I move on??


    September 11, 2019 12:44 pm

    It’s been only one day but I can’t do anything. There’s no motivation towards anything. It only lasted like 2 months but I was happier than I’d ever been. I have her my all and I can’t seem to see why she didn’t see that. I could see after 1 month when she started to work that we were losing contact with each other. I still loved her like nothing else. She would never do anything for me but I just wrote it off as her just not knowing how to date(since we were our first relationship). I, the hopeless romantic fell for someone who would never feel the same way as I did. Now that I’m thinking about it. I made myself happy and anybody could’ve been there. Briauna if you see this, I miss you so much but i need to move on.

  35. queeny 333

    September 12, 2019 1:42 pm

    what if your in love with someone in such detail,, you cant switch focus to someone else. Every little quirk and mannerism that fuels my infatuation is too specific to be replicated in someone else.

  36. Tahir Ash

    September 15, 2019 12:17 pm

    Thank you The School of Life. I watched a lot of your videos during the lowest point of my life.

    It's during the "downtime" where I can't even grasp what's going on with me.

    But this channel had saved my life by making me understand more about myself.

    I can't thank you enough! God bless you The School of Life!

  37. first last

    October 10, 2019 3:29 pm

    I should have by now understand that it is impossible to let go of my crush. I have a big homework tomorrow and a big exam coming up next week. But I can do anything but sit here and think about him. I think he has used some kind of love potion.

  38. Wafer Rolls

    October 11, 2019 3:02 pm

    I had a crush on someone. He liked me back but he moved two hours away from me and he doesn’t answer his social media. I’ve recently started dating someone but I only said yes because I felt too bad to say no. And I still have feelings for the first guy.

    It really hurts

    Can anyone help me get over him?

  39. Marc Padilla

    October 14, 2019 3:00 pm

    It's always in your best interest to move on. Otherwise youd be together. Its not hard to maintain a loving relationship at all.

  40. Linda Alvarado

    October 18, 2019 6:08 am

    If I had known I would spend this much time grieving the death of my relationship I would have never gone in. I wish I could stop crying already. It’s been months and I still feel so empty.

  41. Dave Balmada

    October 31, 2019 10:51 pm

    I swear these videos have given me such an amount of insight and knowledge! I'd probably be suffering from depression and a higher amount of anxiety if it weren't for these videos. Thank you!

  42. Gaia Miranda

    November 2, 2019 10:20 pm

    Sounds like this guy NEVER FELL IN LOVE with someone in a deep sense and did have a REAL UNDERSTANDING OF WHO THEY ARE and of the loss felt by not being able to SHARE A LIFE with them.
    Grieving takes time. Everyone senses loss in their own time, sometimes months, sometimes YEARS.
    This person speaking in the video would make a good robot. SMH :/

  43. patkuzma

    November 3, 2019 2:08 am

    what a bitch…. texting me like she wants to cuddle and all that shit…. and after like 2 weeks she just started ignoring me…. no replying back… and i loved her and i was doing everything for her….

  44. brooke

    November 13, 2019 3:24 am

    I tend to starve myself and lose a lot of weight after a heartbreak. I always tell myself it’s because it’s the highest form of catharsis that could possibly match the pain, and yet, I always feel like there’s a deeper truth to that which likely eludes me, no matter how much I pine over what it must be.

  45. bootnsoot

    November 18, 2019 2:38 pm

    We had too much to drink one night and had a fight. Next day I chalked it up to a dumb drunken thing. The next day he ended it. I dont get where the drunk mistake is now bigger then the 99% of the sober good times.

  46. Robert Akin

    November 19, 2019 1:52 am

    Laurel preached so much about being loyal an not hiding things and how i needed to be a better christian…In the real world she was a nasty sex fiend with anyone that would do her nasty ass.The whole time questioning me about my loyality.HIPOCRIT!!!!!!!!!!

  47. lauren kane

    November 23, 2019 1:16 pm

    Met this married man who said he had feelings for me (as did I) but said he wished he was in a different situation, though he still wants to be friends and work through it, why?

  48. Dennis Petrov

    November 28, 2019 6:27 pm

    When you realize all these videos are totally impracticable and you will just have to suffer it all the way through until it burns itself out. Again.

  49. Marisabel

    December 1, 2019 10:08 am

    I was together with someone who is quite unstable and is starting a psychological evaluation soon. I love him and I know he loved me and still has love for me. Him and I suspected it is BPD he has, but still not sure. He was not ready for a relationship and proceeded to behave in ways that hurt me, he didn't want to hurt me anymore and I didn't want to be hurt so we ended it. It's just sad because of how much we truly care about each other, we are the only people in our lives whom we've spoken about having a future family with. It was all very beautiful when it worked. But he needs to fix himself before I ever give him the chance again. Tbh i dont think he'll ever get in touch with me again, idk. My self esteem is kind of rotten after the relationship. I just know that if the circumstances where right and he got the treatment he needed, things would've worked really well. And that keeps me up at night.

  50. Alya Antkiv

    December 2, 2019 8:31 pm

    Lmao i’m in love with the actor who plays “Lara” in “Girl” cause he goes to my school and i see him everyday and it’s pretty fucked up


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