How to Overcome Shyness

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Because shyness can grip us in such powerful ways, it’s tempting to think of it as an immutable part of our emotional make-up with roots that extend far into our personalities and perhaps biology, and that we would be incapable of ever extirpating. But in truth, shyness is based on a set of ideas about the world that are eminently amiable to change through a process of reason, because they are founded on some touchingly malleable errors of thought. Shyness is rooted in a distinctive way of interpreting strangers. The shy aren’t awkward around everyone– they’re tongue-tied around those who seem most unlike them on the basis of a range of surface markets: age, class, tastes, habits, beliefs, backgrounds, or religions. With no unkindness meant, we could define shyness as a form of provincialism of the mind and over-attachment to the incidentals of one’s own life and experience that unfairly casts others into the role of daunting, unfathomable, unknowable foreigners. On contact with a person from another world or province, the shy allow their minds to be dominated by a forbidding aura of difference. They may silently and awkwardly say to themselves that there’s nothing to be said or done because the other is famous while they belong to the province of the obscure, or because the other is very old while their province is firmly that of 20-somethings, or because the other is very clever while their province is that as a non-intellectual, or because the other is from the land of very beautiful girls while they hail from the province of average-looking boys. This is why there can be no grounds to laugh, hazard a playful remark, or feel at ease. The shy person doesn’t intend to be unpleasant or unfriendly; they simply experience all otherness as an insurmountable barrier to making their own goodwill and personality apparent. We can imagine that in the history of humanity, shyness was always the first response. The people over the hill would have triggered the feeling because they were farmers while you were fishermen, or they spoke with a lilt in their vowels while your diction was monotone and flat. Yet gradually, there emerged a more worldly, less exclusive way of relating to strangers– what we might call a psychological cosmopolitanism. In the ancient civilizations of Greece and Rome, prompted by ever increasing encounters between peoples who lived very different and mutually unfamiliar lives, thanks the developments in trade and shipping an alternative to shyness developed. Greek travelers who worshiped human-like divinities learnt that Egyptians revered cats and certain birds. Romans who shaved their chins met barbarians who did not. Senators who lived in colonnaded houses with underfloor heating encountered chieftains who lived in drafty wooden huts. And among certain thinkers, an approach developed that proposed that all these humans, whatever their surface variations, shared a common call… and that it was to this that the mature mind should turn in contact with apparent otherness. It was to this cosmopolitan mindset that the Roman playwright and poet, Terrence, gave voice when he wrote, “I am human so nothing human is foreign to me.” And that Christianity made use of, in rendering universal sympathy, a cornerstone of its view of existence. Someone becomes a cosmopolitan not on the basis of having a buoyant or gregarious nature, but because they are in touch with a fundamental truth about humanity… because they know that irrespective of appearance, we are the same species beneath– an insight that the tongue-tied guests at the party or awkward seducer in the restaurant are guilty of implicitly refusing. Traditionally, rank or status have been major sources of shy provincialism. The peasant felt he couldn’t approach the lord, the young milkmaid stammered when the earl’s son visited the stable. Today, in an echo of such inhibitions, the boy of average looks feels he could never hang out with a beautiful girl, or the modestly off will lose any ability to talk to the very wealthy. The mind just fixates on the gulfs. My nose looks like a child modeled it out of plasticine… yours is as if it had been carved out by Michelangelo. I fear losing my job while you fear that the expansion of your business into Mexico won’t be as profitable as you’d forecast. The cosmopolitan is well aware of differences. They just refuse to be cowed or dominated by them. They look beyond them to perceive, or in practical terms, simply to guess at a collective species’ unity. Shyness does have its insightful dimensions. It’s infused with an awareness that we might be bothering someone with our presence. It’s based upon an acute sense that a stranger could be dissatisfied or discomforted by us. The shy person is touchingly alive to the dangers of being a nuisance, yet in most cases, we simply pay an unnecessarily heavy price for our reserve around people who might well have opened their hearts to us if only we’d known how to manifest our own benevolence. We cling too jealously to our province. The pimply boy doesn’t discover that he and the high school beauty share a taste in humor and a similarly painful relationship with their father. Races and ages continue not to mingle to their collective detriments. Shyness is a touching, yet ultimately excessive and unwarranted way of feeling special.

 

100 Responses

  1. exeuroweenie

    July 24, 2018 2:03 am

    Dear shy people,don't ever let anyone tell you shyness is a flaw.Shy people can be very charismatic.Overly confident and outgoing people can be obnoxious anyway.Shyness can make life harder though,so if you want to work at changing,it might help.I was never shy,just somewhat reserved and independent(there's a difference).If you're self-conscious,it may help to keep in mind that most people are too wrapped up in themselves to pay much attention anyway,That is,if they can peel their eyes away from their cell phones in the first place.If you're young,everything's harder,but what I've said might make sense and help with a little time.

    Reply
  2. harry Grant

    July 25, 2018 12:09 pm

    >names a video "how to overcome shyness">doesn't actually tell you how to overcome shyness.gold job

    Reply
  3. j u l i e t t e y a ñ e z

    August 16, 2018 9:26 am

    I'm scared to make new friends cus I feel they will pretend to like me n really think I'm annoying

    Reply
  4. Blackpugpup Xxxx

    August 20, 2018 10:01 pm

    The thing that annoys me a lot is that every time I end up talking or even laughing people are like “y-you …Y-YYYOUUU S-SPOKEE

    Reply
  5. Caught Dash Drivers

    August 26, 2018 11:10 pm

    Shyness climbs on to every species old social habits but except non specied material like the internet. Where everyone can't see eachother, type down anything they want and just be done with it! If only we could take power over our mind, speak to each other this way in person than on here then humanity would spring back to it old life again where shyness would look like it dont exist in a much more interactive new aged world that speaks without mind but instinct. There is no honour, just shame in a world overruled by socialists and commonists that speak great fearless wars over cyber space than Hitler himself. Sadly, if this was reality then our world would destroy the dark evils within us but those persistent would counter and start a world war three.

    Reply
  6. Chelo O

    September 5, 2018 2:14 am

    Hi someone could help me to improve my speaking skills please. If someone is bored can talk with me just few minutes

    Reply
  7. Online Free Movies

    September 5, 2018 8:28 pm

    interesting points ,if anyone else wants to uncover best books for getting over shyness try Wiltapar Simple Shyness Secrets (should be on google have a look ) ? Ive heard some decent things about it and my friend got amazing success with it.

    Reply
  8. Dejan Jankov

    September 6, 2018 9:29 am

    There are several suggestions you can try
    Work out why you are shy – the first step in solving an issue is to understand why it is there.
    Be at ease with yourself – this makes it less difficult when you are with others.
    Just do it – you will gain confidence by taking action – especially by doing activities that push your boundaries.
    (I learned these and more ideas on Sartar shy method website )

    Reply
  9. Max Damage

    September 10, 2018 4:13 pm

    I feel sad reading all these comments here. Because I feel most people commenting want to get rid of their shyness completely. Because they feel thats what society expects from them. Sure, you can do exercices and practice to become a little more social. And maybe you should. But if your really shy like me, you will never transform to a populair confident guy with lots of friends, girlfriends, etc… There are ̶m̶i̶l̶l̶i̶o̶n̶s̶ billions of people just as shy as you. There is nothing wrong with beeing shy througout your entire life! You just need to learn to accept it, instead of trying to change who you really are. Be happy with yourself!

    Reply
  10. Ana Diaz

    September 17, 2018 4:35 pm

    There are a few tips worth trying
    Work out why you suffer from shyness – the first step in solving a problem is to understand why you have it.
    Be comfortable with yourself – this makes it less difficult when you are with other people.
    Challenge youself – you will gain confidence by doing things – especially by doing things which push your boundaries.
    (I discovered these and more ideas on sebs shyness tactic site )

    Reply
  11. Kamikan 22

    September 19, 2018 1:53 pm

    So, how to overcome shyness??!?! 🤔

    On my experience, learning emotional skills, like every other skill is by exploration and repetition. Explore and learn what you should be doing instead of letting yourself act by past and outdated self-defense learning(like, when u were 2 years old, a shy response to something may 'saved your life' so your mind use that as perfectly normal thing, like a coded program that respond against similar situations).
    When u know what to do, JUST DO IT! it is going to feel like shit, and you will feel like shit, the first 2-4 times. You should be crazy focus on that situations and don't let yourself react as you normally do(if you start reacting and notice, just stop it, don't matter if you look stupid, the thing here is learning).
    After those uncomfortable times you will start doing that as a unconscious response to those situations, because at the end those will have better results and by repetition(those 2-4 weird times, if done on a row and with focus they count) you are overwriting the old and outdated code.

    You should also learn a feel of what amount of repetition you need to learn something, for example I play the violin and after I explored something I wanted to learn, I focus myself 3 days on a row for 15 mins on that thing and I fucking learn it. Easy m8, if instead I try to repeat that thing without exploring, I may be playing a lot of pieces from start to end, repeating errors and stuff, and teaching myself to do mistakes. WAT U REPEAT U LEARN MAiT!

    Reply
  12. Yvan cormier-scott

    September 25, 2018 11:22 am

    yes but also- we live in a scoiety of snobs no? Based on competition and status…and people do judge you…I feel shy ofetn around dickheads…around nice people it's easier because they're nice

    Reply
  13. I Apologize for this Comment

    October 6, 2018 1:13 am

    This video doesn't explain itself. How are other people the same as we are? What traits do we all share as a species? How do we know what they are? How do we gauge people when everyone is socialized to constantly use nothing but mundane shallow smalltalk? You're saying we're all the same, but you don't explain how; your thesis is useless.

    Reply
  14. Dr. Phil

    October 7, 2018 9:45 pm

    I'm shy around people I don't know, but I'm not as shy if I don't really care what that person thinks of me. It doesn't have anything to do with how similar or different someone is to me.

    Reply
  15. *Steel Beam*

    October 10, 2018 4:37 am

    I feel isolated, but it's because I have practically nothing in common with others and no interest in them… nothing to talk about, nothing besides the weather and the traffic.

    I am …nothing. I just do and think and have my opinions, but they don't define me.

    I am … just me.

    I just wish I could have one friend. Somebody that could just accept me for being "me".

    …Sometimes I think that I have no place in this world…

    Reply
  16. ɐ ʇop

    October 13, 2018 10:07 am

    This’ll probably be deleted in probably a month

    People: “Why are you so quiet”

    Me:”Because if I talk It’ll be something mean or just because I have nothing to say”

    People: leave

    Sometimes that’s not the reason. I only have one friend. She has- she’s friend with everyone in our school all the boys have a crush on her too. Well the ones that aren’t gay. When people talk to me they say oh your _____ friend right? I really just don’t understand it like I have a name say my name don’t say oh I’m just her friend it’s annoying. But……

    Reply
  17. 93parasol

    October 19, 2018 12:25 pm

    I am the opposite of this. I am only shy around people from the same country, ethnic group and especially peer group as I am. While I can talk most of the time effortlesly with people from all around the world. I have had so many intense conversation with people with completely opposite beliefs of mine – no problem. But when I grew up I was an outcast, bullied by both my family, my "friends", school and even in after school activites. I was considered ONLY shy for almost all of my life, no one ever cared to think I was something else. Then I came to work in places woth people from so differrent cultures and there I found likeness. So this isn't always the case. "Shyness", or rather social anxiety, I believe very often has the root in bullying and being outside of the social groups around you. This bullying doesn't have to be extreme of physical, it can be very subtle. But it makes you not only untrained in social situations – it can make you litteraly terrified out of your mind, like for me. I quit my job now to go back to school to fix my grades so I can go to university, but school social life is SO MUCH HARDER when most people are in my peer group and when the rules are so fucking fixated on how you are suppposed to act.

    Reply
  18. john john

    October 30, 2018 4:39 am

    I am definitely shy but i wouldnt say for those reasons. I would say i am way better than most at relating to others actions. I usually take the time to relate and think about the reasons others do what they do instead of just cutting them off and labeling them as mean, evil, nice. What ive realized is most actions come down to the desire to survive which means climbing the dominance hierarchy, and whatever you believe will get you higher is what you will base most of your actions off of. My problem is that im all too aware if this for myself.

    Reply
  19. Vlepo

    November 7, 2018 9:44 am

    Ive been shy for so long 🙁
    I never had the freedom to express my feelings. Pressure in school or in Public pisses me off 🙁 . I hope I can overcome this disease and be happy and socialize 🙂

    Reply
  20. ch l

    November 14, 2018 2:32 pm

    I was so shy in school, I was never late. It's easier walking into an empty room than one filled with people looking at you walk in. When I graduated, it turned into suicidal anxiety. I wish I had too much confidence than what I am.

    Reply
  21. artandmuse

    November 22, 2018 7:00 pm

    Though, far more, I would argue for an ANIMAL unity, and not simply species 🐒🐌🐟🐬🐍🐅🙋🏽

    Reply
  22. Stephen Lawrence

    December 27, 2018 8:13 pm

    One might also say it is "sensitivity", or even a word used by the non-shy to represent "unfathomable hesitation" in another person. Yet sensitivy heightens the sense of otherness in others, or uniqueness in oneself. So it could be the same thing. Does an understanding of shyness help one encourage a shy person to open up, take risks, etc?

    Reply
  23. gabzdt

    December 28, 2018 12:03 pm

    I actually think people weren't shy in Ancient times because they weren't looking for making new friends. They were already satisfied with their tribe friends and family. That's what over-confident people nowadays feel I think, they just don't need new friends so are completely carefree.

    Reply
  24. Gacha Mellow Swirl

    February 7, 2019 1:38 pm

    Don’t be too afraid that you’ll say a wrong thing when you talk to people and don’t think that they’re gonna judge you ,Be happy to the audience

    Reply
  25. John Smith

    February 26, 2019 4:30 am

    uhm… shyness has nothing to do with "cultural superitority" or whatever this video was talking about at the beginning. two completely different things. why even bring that up?

    Reply
  26. Biv Lab

    March 11, 2019 12:46 am

    Idk man for me it isn’t that deep. I’m just scared cause idk if people are going to be okay or be super horrible to me like quite a few have. And the cosmopolitan in me doesn’t assign danger to group traits like a racist. So I’m just kind of wary of everyone until they show me they are cool.

    Reply
  27. aliB

    May 6, 2019 8:18 pm

    This doesn't take into account the people who really do feel other people are 'below' them aren't worthy of their time or go out of their way to try to bully the so to speak.

    Reply
  28. Maulan Wong

    May 7, 2019 12:02 am

    I have suffered from severe shyness for 6 whole years of my life and its sad because every second i am getting older and older and my shyness is getting worser and worser somebody please help me!

    Reply
  29. layla de lima

    May 9, 2019 1:51 pm

    because of shyness sometimes i already act stupid and people also see how i act… i dont know why i grow up like this… i dont know how to talk to people naturally…

    Reply
  30. abraham tsegay

    May 31, 2019 1:16 am

    The Best Way I overcome my shyness guys is through experience force yourself To Tlak more to stranger ppl and you will realize that it's not big deal. the only to change your believe system to put evidence against them.Pease.

    Reply
  31. MegaPorker

    May 31, 2019 4:32 am

    Should’ve said “ I think “ Shyness is an excessive unwarranted way of feeling special. Because I would completely disagree. I’d say it’s a mental illness and it can be quite crippling.

    Reply
  32. MegaPorker

    May 31, 2019 4:43 am

    Reading some of these comments I really had no idea that so many people were dealing with crippling social anxieties just like me. I’ve been dealing with it since I was 4 years old, I’m 28 now and it’s affected every aspect of my life and while I’ve learned to overcome it a little. I still find myself in situations where I feel like an asshole because I can’t interact with people on that level so I introvert and I come off rude and I know I do but I can’t bring myself to do anything different even though every fiber of my being wants to just show the world.

    Reply
  33. Frau Diller

    May 31, 2019 6:56 pm

    To be shy doesn"t help you or those around you. If you have a chance to speak, speak it, just do it. You are not risking anything. You need just to open your mouth. Also, people care too much what others might think of them. I"ve been the one, now I overcame it. I wrote an article about shyness if you wanna read it. It might help you. It is here: https://fraudiller.wordpress.com/2019/05/31/how-to-overcome-shyness/ I really hope it will help you and you will realize that you are just trapped in your mind. Take out of your shell and start living a life worth living.

    Reply
  34. Antichrys

    June 10, 2019 12:04 am

    A good exercise another yt commenter taught me to use whenever I had a bout of shyness was to try to think back and remember the most embarrassing thing you saw someone do a week ago or even a few days ago.

    You can't. And that's the point.

    Whatever embarrassing things you think you'll say or do, people are so caught up in their own bubbles that it will be forgotten. Fast.

    So. Why. Be. Shy.

    Hope this helps.

    Reply
  35. Mish E

    June 16, 2019 6:59 pm

    Don't worry about overcoming shyness. You're probably shy because you're worried about what other people will think of you. If you're worrying about your shyness, you're worrying about what other people think of you which will only make you more shy. Don't worry about your shyness. Your shyness is just fine.

    Reply
  36. Abhinav Aggarwal

    June 19, 2019 12:56 am

    Please keep doing what you are doing! Channels like you can improve some of our lives.. I certainly learned today 😀

    Reply
  37. steelersd26

    June 19, 2019 1:46 am

    For me, it’s not even a “filter” or “caring too much about what others think” problem. It’s just that literally nothing comes to my head in the first place, so I never really have anything to say to begin with.

    Reply
  38. Андрей Биянов

    June 20, 2019 10:00 pm

    0:25 -"because they are founded on some touchingly malleable errors of thought." i didn't quite understand, what "touchingly malleable errors of thought." means? is that some way 'ERRORS' and especially 'ERRORS OF THOUGHT' can be 'MALLEABLE'? It's just freaked me out! Can you explain what this turn of speech means, please? i beg you))

    Reply
  39. Maulan Wong

    June 21, 2019 1:37 am

    I autistic and I'm shy and I want to be a airline pilot when I get older but since my shyness Is so severe I dont think I can I wish autism never existed but the good news is I can become a sports mascot

    Reply
  40. GachaBlox Gaming

    July 20, 2019 11:20 am

    I hate it when someone says "why are u so quiet"
    "Why don't u socialize to others" i just rlly hait it.
    I was born this way and i can't change it..
    I hope my this doesnt affect my future…

    Reply
  41. Evil Dildo

    July 25, 2019 10:11 am

    People often think that I’m arrogant because I don’t talk a lot. Truth is that i need long time to get comfortable with a person

    Reply
  42. derderbederb

    July 29, 2019 10:38 am

    absolutly nothing here helped my overcome shyness, or even given me any ideo how to overcome it

    Reply
  43. Nhi Võ

    September 4, 2019 11:02 am

    Im a totally shy person. Like i know that everyone is the same as me, i know a lot of jokes tho but nah. I just cant talk to anyone cuz im stupid. So the first week of school didnt go well, my friends and family told me to change class and im like nah ill overcome my shyness just you wait and see! Im now second week and sit alone full of regret 🙁

    Reply
  44. M H

    September 15, 2019 2:32 pm

    But this doesnt tell us how to overcome shyness, it's just a critique of shy people thinking that they're somehow special and therefore isolate themselves.

    We know were different. That's why we exclude ourselves and have nothing to bloody say!

    Reply
  45. Panterica

    November 17, 2019 4:24 am

    There are people who are the opposite as well. They are not shy but they are poor conversationalists. They talk for the sake of talking , rather than adding anything meaningful to the conversation. This makes it harder for a shy minded person to contribute, as the conversation is erratic and fruitless.

    Reply

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