How To Stop Being Jealous In A Relationship – You’ll Be Surprised

, , 100 Comments


hello my name is noah elkrief and in this video i’m going to talk to you about how to deal with jealousy and anxiety in a relationship and the reason why i’m talking about both those topics in the same video is because they’re really the same thing they both boil down to fear more specifically there’s there’s two types of anxieties which are really intertwined in a relationship one is the anxiety about whether they love you and the other is the anxiety about whether they’re going to leave you and I’m going to talk about both of them because what happens is in order to lose your fear in order lose your jealousy and anxiety you really have to understand what’s behind it what’s causing it and address it at the root if you just try to change their behavior you’re going to suffer so let’s look at the first one the anxiety about whether they love you or not so this one’s actually quite tricky or it’s a it’s a very clever trick by the mind and so what happens is we are trying to convince ourselves that they love us right we may even fully believe they love me but here’s the fundamental truth that nobody wants to admit you don’t know whether they love you I know I have a hand that’s known right I believe they love me or I know I have a job I believe they’re going to pay me tomorrow or I believe that I will have a job tomorrow we get very very confused between what we know and what we believe right so you will never ever get to a point where you know somebody loves you because there’s nothing that you can verify to to prove it it’s not like you can hold it in your hand I have their love you it’s it’s it’s intangible it’s a concept it’s imaginary it’s not a real so since it’s not real if it was real you wouldn’t you to worry about it you just had it right if it was real there would not be fear of losing it because you just have it nothing could take it away but since it’s not real you constantly need it reaffirmed right when someone proposes to you and marries you it seems like they must love me but do does that mean you never need to hear them say I love you again does that mean you never need to have them call you or sacrifice for you or whatever no of course not because you don’t know they love you you’re trying to believe it right so how do you look for proof how do you look to reaffirm strengthen this belief they love me I know they love me well you look at reality right and you say they called me that must mean they love me or they got me a gift or they remember our anniversary or they touched me or they smiled at me or they sacrificed for me that must mean they love me and so we look for their actions and their words and their expressions and whatever to constantly verify whether they love us or not or constantly seemed to verify whether they love us enough but no matter how much they do since you don’t know that they love you it will always be insecure and fragile right look for yourself there’s what would they need to do in order to prove that they love you so you know it and then you never have to worry about it again you can’t get to that point it’s impossible because you never it’s not known it cannot be known right so if you can’t know that someone loves you well then you’re hopeless right well the only reason why we fear that they will stop loving us is because we believe if they love me that means I’m worthy and okay and lovable and if they don’t love me it means I’m insufficient on one of these something’s wrong with me I’ll never be happy so as long as you believe that of course you’re going to fear them not loving you of course you’re going to fear losing their love so in order to be free of this anxiety about whether they love you or not it’s not about convincing yourself further they love me it’s about recognizing that who you are has nothing to do with whether they love you or not right so in order to make that clear Hornet or or in order to help you see that just take a moment and look now if they love a song does that mean that song is better than any other zone no they just happen to like it somebody else might not like that song right if they love a movie does that mean that movie is great no other people might not like it so if they love you does that mean you are great and worthy and lovable no it’s just a fit it’s just a match of conditioning it’s just that’s all it is right if they like brunettes and not blondes and you’re a brunette let’s say are you better than the blonde no that’s just what they like each of us has our own preferences and we’re all unique right so it’s just a fit if they like you it’s just that’s their preference it doesn’t mean you’re better than anybody else it doesn’t mean your were they were lovable or anything because as long as what they say I love you you think that means I’m great if they don’t love you that means you’re bad so the way to be free of this is to recognize that even if they love you it doesn’t mean you’re special or worthy or amazing or likable or anything it just means you’re here and it’s just things may be right you you were outgoing and they love you because you’re outgoing okay well some people like someone who’s less outgoing who’s better listener who who thinks more before they talk let’s say they love you because you’re successful right well some people like someone who devotes more time to charity or spends more time at home or works in a non-profit or whatever just because they love something about you doesn’t mean it’s good it just means that’s what they like okay is that clear or just looking out the other way of you love them does that mean they’re amazing does that mean they’re more worthy or more likeable or more special than someone else no it just they match your preferences so once again in order to lose your anxiety about whether they love you you need to disbelieve the idea that their love means you’re worthy good special loveable or anything because when you lose the idea that I am special when they love me you lose the idea I am unworthy or bad if they stop lonely okay because if they stop loving you or they like someone else it doesn’t mean anything about you doesn’t mean you’re bad no good anything it just means their preference changed or they got bored or or they realized you couldn’t make them happy which you can because you can’t delete the thoughts in their head that make them unhappy right you can’t get rid of their anxiety you can’t get rid of their loneliness you can’t get rid of their insecurities about themselves you can’t get rid of their judgments you can’t get rid of their sadness you can’t make them happy so if they think a guy or girl should be able to make them happy then they might end up leaving you because they think it’s your fault well that’s not okay so that’s that part of it the second part of it is the anxiety about losing them okay so you may think you want to stay in a relationship with them more than anything else that’s what you want you really really want them you love them you want to stay with them but it’s not actually true okay that may sound crazy too right now but what do you want in life more than anything else what is the number one most important thing to you is there anything you want more than peace and happiness enjoy fulfillment take a moment and really look if I give you two choices stay in the relationship but have insecurities about yourself insecurities are your personality insecurities about your looks insecurities about your job anger judgments anxiety about whether they love you anxiety of the future anxiety about money feeling guilty about your parenting sadness all this typical suffering that everybody has if I give you a choice of having all the suffering and stay in the relationship or end the relationship and be in peace and joy in every moment you never have anxiety and never have worry again never I’m guilt again are any of that stuff which of those options would you choose and I’m not saying those are your two options I’m saying hypothetically which of those two options would you choose well for most of us if we’re willing to really be open and honest we recognize you know what I’d rather lose all of my suffering and be single right over you with someone else even than to be with this person if they only made me suffer and I’m saying that they do I’m saying if that were the case and what that proves is that we want happiness more than we want them our partner we want to lose our suffering more than we want to stay in our relationship okay so we confuse the means with the goal so if I tell you I really want ice cream I don’t I want pleasure and I happen to think ice cream will give it to me so when you tell me I really want to stay in my relationship I really want to keep her more than anything else you don’t you really want to be happy and you just happen to believe the way for you to be happy is to stay in the relationship so until you discover that what you really want is happiness then you’re going to anxiety about losing them but if if you recognize that you want happiness more than you want to stay in the relationship well then all of a sudden we can question what makes me happy is it true that I would be happier in the relationship than out so that’s what we’re going to look at now okay but before I guess we get into it let me just take a step back if I break my arm is that good or bad for my life well you would say it’s bad it’s pain it’s this it’s that how do you know if breaking my arm led me to the doctor’s office and while I was in the doctor’s office I meet someone that gives you my dream job or to be the love of my life or gives me a book that helps me to see life differently and somehow I end up much happier when I look back ten years from now and I’m so much happier when I say that broken arm is good or bad for my life well I would say it was amazing so when we say it’s bad to break our arm where you’ve evaluating that invented isolation they had to break arm but anytime we evaluate anything we need to ask the question is it good or bad for my happiness in the long run and if we break our arm and in that moment we ask the question is it good or bad for my happiness in the long run well the answer is I have no idea I don’t know what’s going to come from this all right so when we look at our relationship is it better or worse for your happiness in the long run to stay in the relationship how do you know so you’re in a relationship right now and you seem to think it makes you happy but is that true do you not have anxiety about the future do not have anxiety in work you’re not anxiety about money do you not worry about whether they love you do you not judge them sometimes do you not feel insecure sometimes do you not feel like you’re on show trying to make them love you and force yourself to say things that they will like you’re not insecurities do I have judgments you do not have everything sure you have happy moments right a relationship can provide you with happy moments but so can I scream so can TV so can musics okay there anything the happiness that you get in a relationship comes from the distraction right because you’re when you’re distracted from your thoughts you’re happy no matter what matter what’s going on in your life when you’re distracted from your thoughts you’re happy and a relationship is one means to do that for you but on top of that the reason why you like the relationship is because when they call you when they smile at you when they touch you when they get you a gift when they something you get to tell a story in your mind which is yay they love yay it means I’m okay and it’s not conscious right or maybe for you it is but it’s going on and that creates this little warmth this little feeling of pleasure and you love that but as long as you have that feeling of pleasure you’ll also have the worry and the anxiety that pleasures fine except it comes with suffering you can’t feel good when they say I love you and not worry about them stopping you can’t attribute your happiness to someone else and not fear losing it you see so even though you’re in the relationship now you’re not at peace you are not fulfilled you’re not feeling joy if you were you wouldn’t be on this video and nobody is as long as you’re human and believing in thoughts you’re going to be suffering in a relationship right unless you start to see thoughts clearly so if you leave the relationship or if they leave you does that mean you will suffer does that mean you will be unhappy how do you know if you can discover that they were loved doesn’t mean you’re okay or good then you can discover that if you leave the relationship where they leave you it doesn’t mean you’re bad it doesn’t mean you are worthy it doesn’t mean you have to be unhappy because a relationship can’t make you happy because a relationship can’t delete the thoughts in your head so if the relationship ends you’re not at a disadvantage of being happy right because the relationship itself didn’t make you unhappy does that make sense so do you know whether you would be happier in or out of the relationship do you know your happiness is dependent on staying in a relationship especially considering you’re not a happy and fulfilled do you know that there’s not someone else out there that’s a better fit how could you possibly know so if you can see that you don’t know whether you’ll be happy you’re in or out of this relationship if you can see that what you really want is happiness and not them if you can see that happiness isn’t dependent on another person saying I love you especially because it can’t make you happy at all other than a moment of pleasure then all of a sudden there’s nothing to have anxiety about there’s no outcome to fear you don’t need to fear whether they love you or not because their love doesn’t mean anything about you right here it just doesn’t mean anything and you even feel their love you only feel this story in your hand if you’re in a relationship and you they really love you okay imagine your relationship they really love you but you believe they’re cheating on you how do you feel but you feel terrible you feel angry you feel hurt all right and now if the opposite were true if they are cheating on you but you don’t think they are you think they really love you how do you feel they feel great yeah they love me what that proves is you don’t feel their love you feel the story in your head this has nothing to do with their love you don’t feel it you only feel what thoughts are going on you don’t want their love it can’t make you happy you just want to stop suffering you just want to stop judging you just want to stop living with anxiety that’s what you want but you just happen to you know society and your parents and your friends has just created this idea that the way to lose all of your suffering is to get someone’s love but you can see from your life from your own direct experience or from the experience of anybody you watch on TV or anyone you’ve read in your life if they’re being honest with you you can see getting someone to love you can not get rid of your suffering other than momentarily just like food can movies can TV can alcohol can it anything can okay so I hope that was clear I hope that make sense to you and feel free to ask comments below and I will answer them so thank you for watching and I’ll see you again soon bye hello again if you found my video helpful or you enjoyed it I welcome you to click on one of the videos below as you might find them helpful as well or if you want to make sure you never miss another video of mine again you can click the subscribe button over there and if you want my free ebook you’re welcome to click the free ebook button over there so thanks again for watching and I’ll see you around bye

 

100 Responses

  1. ♡Cries in Gucci♡

    November 3, 2018 4:50 am

    I think my problem is that he doesn’t love me. He talks to other girls sometimes and it kinda gives me the feeling he likes her instead. I even told him this and I think that made him uncomfortable but yea…it sucks (//–//)

    Reply
  2. Cräzy Lēmøn

    November 14, 2018 4:58 pm

    i am so jealous
    Here's the story
    So I have my best friend who is bisexual and we like the same stuff
    So there's a new girl and every boy has a crush on her even me (I am a girl I am a lesbian) but I have a crush on my best friend to…
    Dis is logic!
    But yeah it's true

    Reply
  3. JokuMoto

    November 19, 2018 5:36 am

    What I got out of this video is to not feel anxiety because the things you thought you cared about really aren’t all that important. Like a person’s love towards you for example. I understand he means that they aren’t the source of your happiness, but he presents it in a way that removes the importance of the relationship to begin with. We all came here because we care about our relationships. The thing is, I’m not afraid of these things because I fear that I will consider myself a bad person or less worthy if she leaves me. I’m afraid to lose her, that’s what I fear, not because I will blame myself.

    Reply
  4. Jacob Monzon

    November 22, 2018 4:14 am

    I want to fix my jealousy cuz that was one of the causes in my break up I want to know how like to help with my jealousy because when I would get jealous and stay jealous sometimes it would lead to anger and i would create an argument please do u have any advice for me on helping me with my jealousy

    Reply
  5. Rodrigo Santos

    November 25, 2018 1:36 am

    My girlfriend and I are together for 6 month's now, and she has sex with me… But she has never kissed me, cuse, and I quote her "I can't, I'm ashamed"… And sometimes it just makes me sad, I don't feel loved, she just doesn't kiss me at all

    Reply
  6. Rodrigo Santos

    November 25, 2018 1:37 am

    My girlfriend and I are together for 6 month's now, and she has sex with me… But she has never kissed me, cuse, and I quote her "I can't, I'm ashamed"… And sometimes it just makes me sad, I don't feel loved, she just doesn't kiss me at all

    Reply
  7. Alpha Omega Jiu-Jitsu

    December 7, 2018 10:10 pm

    This is assuming happiness is the ultimate goal… some would say suffering is the path to enlightment. Of course some levels of suffering should never be endured.

    Reply
  8. Knox

    December 11, 2018 1:31 am

    Jealousy is absolutely horrible. For ones self and to the person in the relationship. It can always cloud your judgment for everything. When you're POSITIVE on one thing but the next you're not sure anymore. But NEVER be afraid to challenge those thoughts, always keep pushing. We're never sure on what the answer will be but always be happy for the answer, no matter how much it may hurt because its a lot better than always staying in the dark out of Fear because then you're just prolonging the suffering and it's going to hurt so much more.

    Reply
  9. Jeffery Lease

    January 1, 2019 3:06 am

    Thank you you helped me sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much thank you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much

    Reply
  10. karthick shayam

    January 2, 2019 5:45 pm

    Bro I'm not in a relationship but I get jealous when I see my sister talking to someone else.
    I don't know why.
    I try to control it ,but I can't.
    Every year I take resolution that "i should not get jealous of anyone"but everytime oi fail.i don't know why.help me out with this problem

    Reply
  11. Sorcey

    January 13, 2019 7:50 am

    I just don't know why I became so dramatic… I used to think just like you in this video and now I'm starting to do it again. This has so much logic and sense! Thank you!

    Reply
  12. Nicole Johnny

    January 18, 2019 3:10 pm

    I get jealous about things I imagine that could happen…. it’s just not normal! You destroy your own relationship for being like that. I’m trying to change because I don’t wanna my partner stop seeing all the things that made him be with me and just see this sick jealous person.

    Reply
  13. Winter Wasabi Gaming

    January 21, 2019 9:09 pm

    I am jealous that my boyfriend talks to my best friend differently than he talks to me. I'm jealous my best friend doesn't spam him like I do and I believe that my boyfriend likes that.

    Reply
  14. Jessica Peters

    January 23, 2019 10:10 pm

    What I got out of this is: relationships don't matter because you don't actually feel their love and it does not mean anything.

    Reply
  15. Hareth Alomari

    January 31, 2019 11:43 am

    I don't do any more relationships. I just work on my goals make more money and be more successful however that make women know that I got my shit together so they will come by the package I don't chase no pussies they will come to me because I don't look like I'm hungry or desperate they know that I got my shit together.

    Reply
  16. Thuong Ha

    February 3, 2019 12:38 pm

    You are amazing. Your videos have been helping me going through lot of difficult time. Thanks you. I wish I could meet you in real life.

    Reply
  17. Jodi T

    February 4, 2019 5:51 am

    Upon trying to better myself this 2019, I’ve learned that love truly doesn’t exist. Make yourself happy; spend time with people who make you laugh.

    Reply
  18. abena

    February 13, 2019 9:10 pm

    Try not to see your partner as "yours". It creates this illusion of possession. Try to see them as a PERSON who has joined you along for the ride called life. That way you can appreciate the moments you have and not feel fragile. Also there is no such thing as "the one". Once you realize that, everyone becomes a potential love interest or friend.

    Reply
  19. The Ninja

    March 2, 2019 12:48 pm

    This helped me release so much pain from a neglectful, abusive, unloving single parent. I sobbed throughout your video & afterwards at the simple, yet powerful truth behind of all your points.

    Thank you so much Noah for being my friend today, listening to you & feeling your kindness has helped me find a conclusion to a decade of healing. This has saved my budding relationship with the woman I want to marry. For this, you have my love.

    I can only hope to repay you in a similarly profound way someday.

    ✌🏽💙🙏🏽🖖🏽
    Maxximilian Alexander

    Reply
  20. Raccoon Rules

    March 3, 2019 4:03 am

    Yo this is so true that it brought me to tears 😭😭😭 And thanks for helping me 👍

    Reply
  21. Julietta Venegas

    March 5, 2019 12:14 am

    I get jealous because he talks to other girls a lot, hugs them, holds hands with them. He says it’s in a friendly way but I feel like he will end up loving them.

    Reply
  22. Lori Arthur

    March 7, 2019 6:44 am

    You should not go into marriage counseling. Everyone would be divorced. You obviously don't believe in saving marriages.

    Reply
  23. Joshua Scott

    March 23, 2019 5:22 am

    Nothing pushes a girl away faster than being controlling. I nearly screwed up my relationship the other day with some texts. She flat out didn't care about me for 3 days and I was convinced it was over. Well yesterday she came back. I got lucky. Now I need to learn how to deal with jealousy. Maybe I should talk to her now…instead of waiting until I'm angry over jealousy again. Yeah, I'll try that…

    Reply
  24. Responsible 1

    March 24, 2019 3:14 pm

    Me I'm jelouse when ever she goes out and when I'm far from her this one is eating me inside when she talk to any guy

    Reply
  25. brittney harfield

    March 30, 2019 4:35 am

    it’s such a weird feeling.

    i KNOW my boyfriend loves me, and of course i love him. but i still get jealous here n there. i know he wouldnt cheat or anything of that nature. it’s just the matter of me not trusting other people? he tells me all the time he’ll get messages from people saying they wanna date him but he denies cuz he’s already taken. but the fact that people do that, thats why i get jealous. in my mind those people shouldnt even get his time of day, but even then he tells me when he becomes friends w another girl or something n i still lowkey get jealous. but in my past relationships, i have been cheated on so it could just be because of bad memories n being used to being replaced. idk. sometimes jealousy is such a toxic feeling but at the same time it’s so human. idk i HATE it when people look at my boyfriend a certain way or talk to him in a certain way. it bothers me. as i said, i dont trust other people ¯_(ツ)_/¯

    Reply
  26. Sammy Karate

    April 2, 2019 7:16 pm

    U r crt mate , but if a girl gets a frnd or a best frnd wid whom she shares everything and everything thy do is superb and boyfrnd shud never say anything cause she loves him . It's time he shud pack his bag to a new girl or life 😂😁

    Reply
  27. KbjBman 02

    April 7, 2019 4:30 am

    She has a lot of male friends… and I get jealous and sometimes I struggle at night because I feel I should get that attention…

    Reply
  28. Stan Twice But anyway

    April 12, 2019 11:19 pm

    this girl has liked my boyfriend for a while and she is also friends with his cousin. It’s midnight and she’s still at his house with his cousin. Idk what to do

    Reply
  29. Marilaina Van Der Burg

    April 14, 2019 10:18 pm

    I love you for making these videos,the first person who is so gifted in explaining the mind,and calming me down💗💯thank u so much

    Reply
  30. Tatjana Simonovic

    April 29, 2019 6:26 am

    I would like to ask one question. Don't you think that happiness comes only in moments? And that love is kind of gift: from Universe or God? We really love only two or three time in life. TV can never ever make me happy or fill my heart like bonding with other human with his sole and body. Of course it is important to be able to be satisfied alone. Read books walk with dogs, play an instrument, enjoy in clouds, but love is a mystical phenomena and it is worth of suffering.I would love to love again, and not just question it over pain and feeling satisfaction. Don't you agree? Love and eating ice cream is not the same thing. Deepness of love and loosing it hurts, right?

    Reply
  31. SwirlDip82

    May 5, 2019 1:13 am

    Actually that really was helpful thanks for making me realize that now I completely understand

    Reply
  32. Amber Tee

    June 6, 2019 6:42 pm

    What if I would rather stay with them even through the suffering because I have a mental illness and need work. I have already gotten so much better than before and each year I'm in a better headspace. I still have my jealousy issues but I want to work through them and be with this person as well. She and I are a great match other than the stress I bring in to the relationship.

    Reply
  33. it's me hoes

    June 7, 2019 11:43 pm

    I needed vids like that cause I’m so jealous that now I’m getting possessive and ion like that feeling 😭

    Reply
  34. Michael Zavaleta

    June 10, 2019 10:57 pm

    So basically you're saying that if I feel jealous I should leave the relationship? This is not a video on dealing with jealousy, I think this would be more helpful to convince someone that they made a good decision by ending a relationship which is twisted in my opinion… bottom line bro is that you made some drawn out metaphors and didnt really explain anything to a T.

    Reply
  35. Joshua Scott

    June 12, 2019 1:53 am

    It's easy to make videos saying how not to be jealous, but the truth is, in that moment, you can't stop the feeling. The only real way to not be jealous is to be hurt enough times until u eventually start to not care for them.

    Reply
  36. oliverrando

    June 14, 2019 4:42 am

    Well I never been in a relationship with a girl but like I would sort of be kinda jealous with a girl that I would be with

    Reply
  37. David Fernandez

    June 25, 2019 5:21 am

    All those feelings, positive or negative are parts of the process of being in love. If you don’t have to work at it than it’s not worth having. Being in love whether it works or not helps you understand the person you are and who you would like to end up with. No work, no reward!

    Reply
  38. Miya

    June 30, 2019 7:54 pm

    My boyfriend is always jealous when I go out with friends.
    And he wants me to be friends and talk just with him.

    Reply
  39. Bruce Lee Heisnam

    July 7, 2019 7:22 pm

    This is very helpful… Thank you sir, still my relationship is misunderstanding. I hope I can do the same way by this information

    Reply
  40. Anthony Salatino

    July 19, 2019 3:29 pm

    Truly powerful, having lost a lot in traumas of life, I am living again and struggle with insecurity, but this will help. THANK YOU

    Reply
  41. yumajana

    July 25, 2019 2:21 pm

    I don't think that you cannot know that someone loves you. Sometimes YOU KNOW. I finally have someone I KNOW he loves, and whom I love, because we treat eachother so nice, respectful, kind, caring, honest, gentle and everything that I cannot express in English :-), that is love. I mean, if that isn't love, what is? So, I know he loves me, but I also know that tomorrow maybe he will not. But I enjoy it now. And that is a fact. 😉 And beside that, I would be jelaous if he does something that include too much attention to another woman (like, he meets another women in bars every weekend or something), but he doesn't do that, because he doesn't has that needs, and he doesn't want to hurt me so he acts normal, because he is normal and selfconfidented and he loves me 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Reply
  42. [TheBusterBoy]

    July 29, 2019 12:00 pm

    Insecurity everyone has it. The more you accept it. The more it hurts. But turn that hurt into motivation then learn from it.

    Reply
  43. roy york

    August 10, 2019 9:33 pm

    All Negative Emotions Require Resistance in order to Exist. Just ask what in my life , Past, Present, or Future am i Resisting, and stop it. peace 🎼🎧🎼👌

    Reply
  44. mere mathewsela

    August 14, 2019 8:36 pm

    Awwww woooww you’ve been so helpful ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️you’re amazing !!!!

    Reply
  45. Milan Pintar

    August 20, 2019 10:38 am

    what about when you were compared to a guy that you discovered she slept with and continued to talk to while you started dating her.. and he ignored her so she ended up with you??

    Reply

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