Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Using Mental Toughness Training to Help Heal Emotional Abuse


hi YouTube family Lisa A Romano here and
thank you for tuning in for today’s lesson so today I want to speak
specifically to those of us who have been abused by narcissists whether in
our adult relationships or whether or not we have been abused by narcissistic
parents under that umbrella I want those of you who are tuning in who have not
grown up with narcissistic parents who have not grown up with alcoholism and
who have not grown up with overt abuse for those of you who have tuned in and
you’re just curious because I get a lot of that on this channel people where
people who write me and say well Lisa where do I fit in you know I’m not an
ACO eh I didn’t have a narcissistic mom my mom was kind of nice but she just
wasn’t there by that she wasn’t emotionally available and so often
people don’t really understand how abusive it is to have a parent who is
not there it is very confusing for a child whose mommy is sitting next to her
who she can’t connect to now mommies you know off in her own world and for lots
of reasons maybe mommy has a mental illness maybe mommy suffers from
depression maybe mommy’s having an affair and her mind is going you know
when is he going to text me when can I see him again when can I get out of the
house you know all these types of ideas that distract the adult from the child
that child can feel that space and I know that I’m guilty of that before I
came through the veil of unconsciousness or consciousness however you choose to
perceive it but before I really woke up I was worried about what my in-laws
thought about me I was worried about making my husband happy I was worried
about getting that validation I was worried about that great party that I
was going to throw and everyone was going to think I was just so fabulous he
pat lisa on the shoulder you know did I know at the time that I was severely
codependent and I was trying to get validated of course not of course not
was I aware that in my obsession with trying to Pete please people with my
obsession to be needed did I understand that that that was taking me away from
being able to connect to my children of course not of course that I didn’t have
that data I didn’t have a mom who or dad who saw the significance of connecting
with me so when I became a mom I didn’t have that data I did what I thought my I
wanted my parents to do so I told my children I love them I played with them
on the floor I you know did arts and crafts I praised them I made sure I was
involved with their schooling you know I was so involved but that doesn’t mean
that that I was present and I think a lot of us need to really you know own
that as parents like we might go to every PTA meeting and we might be at
every baseball game but if we’re not present for our children if you’re on
the cell phone and your kids game you might as well not even be there I think
it’s worse to be at a child soccer game or baseball game and to be distracted by
a phone call or text messaging or Facebook you know messaging and tweeting
I think that’s worse I think that I would prefer if I was a child playing
soccer I think I might as soon as that I’m being honest I think I might prefer
my parents not be there then be there but not be there it’s sort of like you
know when you’re married to someone who doesn’t connect to you and it’s like
he’s there but he’s not there or she’s there but she’s not there
you know you married to an alcoholic he’s there but he’s drunk on the couch
she’s there but she’s always talking to her friends on the phone you know she’s
there but she’s always drunk so it’s just sort of the same thing you know if
you put yourself in the trial situation you know I know my life
chillie it exploded when I was no longer involved with that negative energy
because I was being taken away from my internal world by paying attention to
the fact the person I was living with had no interest in being there all part
of my awakening process but I certainly certainly have made plenty of mistakes
as an unaware codependent so lots of you also asked me Lisa how did you do it you
know how did you figure these ideas out and I have to tell you this is the
straight-up honest I figured it out on my hands and my knees I mean I remember
passing out from pain thinking I cannot believe my ex-husband just said what he
said and he said it to my brother now my brother’s gonna say that’s my father and
then my father is going to tell my mother and blah blah there I go right
down the rabbit hole so I’ve been there and what helped me so much was knowledge
and information and I realized what I needed for coping skills and I needed
mental toughness I had no I had a big mouth which a lot of co-defendants have
a big mouth but they say you know a lot of codependents have a big mouth they
talk about boundaries but they don’t know how to assert boundaries completely
two different worlds do one two different worlds like when you come
through the veil and you acknowledge that you’re codependent you realize it’s
not just about won’t want walk walk it’s about setting a boundary and then being
prepared to back that boundary up so we need mental toughness for those of us
who have been abused emotionally psychologically especially if you’ve
suffered narcissistic abuse ooh and you’ve been gaslighted I mean that sucks
so I know that I’ve experienced gaslighting and it is it is so mean and
it’s it’s deplorable to think that someone’s agenda is to set you on fire
and watch you dance and then to point the finger and go look at that crazy
bitch look at her dance she’s crazy you know they’re sticking you with innuendos
and they’re insinuating things they’re saying things that no one else can hear
and then they flash you a look and you react and he’s pointing a finger at you
or she’s pointing the finger at you I believe that
is so psychologically abusive and cruel but we don’t have to be victim to it
anymore so I want to teach you a couple of things that I learned from studying
Navy SEALs and to stick with me Navy SEALs are some of the toughest sons of
bitches on the face of the earth now most of them don’t make it I think that
out of like 140 Navy SEALs that that are come into the program I think only 36
make it and so a lot of them can’t can’t get through all these all these mental
Hoops that they have to jump through so I think it’s absolutely brilliant that
the Navy comes up with these these training techniques to help help those
who apply to become a Navy SEAL actually have a better chance of making it
through the program so I want to share with you some of the things that I’ve
learned about Navy SEAL mental toughness training so they call it the big four
and the big four is goal-setting mental rehearsal which is visualizations and
self-talk and arousal control which they control through in a nutshell breathing
if you go through my channel you will see now this is something that I’m just
coming into awareness now but I was amazed because I’m listening to how
these trainers are training these Navy SEALs and I’m like oh my god that’s what
I coach you know visualization goal-setting thinking about the moment
meditation breathing controlling what you can control in the moment in the
moment so um there’s was a very cleaned up version and concise and I wanted to
share that with you because I think that it may benefit some of you who are
feeling so pulled around by your history you’re still reacting so let’s let’s get
very basic and let’s get very scientific okay so Navy SEALs work with neuro
scientists and I studied neuroscience because I wanted to understand my own
brain and figure out where my Lynch and so that’s what I was fascinated
about the amygdala and the hippocampus so when we’re children
we’re very emotional our prefrontal cortex is not wired yet you have to know
that you have to know that if you’re stuck and you keep reacting and you keep
attracting mom or dad or your brother or sister and your adult life you have to
understand that you’re stuck in a pattern and that when the pattern was
created there was very little connection to the prefrontal cortex dear ones
that’s huge do you know what that means it’s like you freaking recup seriously
oh my god that means that when we were wounded our MiG doulas which is part of
the limbic system press the panic button so we felt fear felt fear of what fear
of being abandoned fear of not being loved
now when the panic button gets hit or activated we become hypersensitive and
hyper aware our memory kicks in amazing that’s why so many of us say I don’t
have any good memories because the brain is wired for you to recall and remember
traumatic events incredible so there’s I mean I can go just go off on a tangent
tangent just on on that fact and how that’s impacted our lives you know and
but I’m not going to because I’ll save that for another video so now when we’re
little the prefrontal cortex is not fully wired get this the prefrontal
cortex isn’t even wired completely until we’re about 26 so that means that when
we’re little and we’re very emotional we don’t have this prefrontal cortex wired
yet the limbic system is very very active so we’re seeking approval and
validation which is all part of the psychological milestones that we must
hit when we feel rejected and abandoned it could be the slightest thing it could
be mom turning way when we’re crying it could be we
fell off our bike and mom stayed on her cellphone and we feel wounded and that
wound sends a message to the brain that says this is bad and what the brain does
is the brain it doesn’t have the prefrontal cortex wired yet the brain
doesn’t go hmmm mom is so self-absorbed and there she is
talking to her boyfriend again and sure enough she’s gonna ask me to tell my
daddy that um she wasn’t on the phone and there she is acting like she’s all
into me and taking me to the park she don’t give it damn we don’t do that one
with three we can’t it’d be awesome if we could but we can’t
we’re very limited in our understanding of the world so the amygdala is highly
activated the hypo campus stores the memory and the pattern that we create to
the event very very very important information when we’re adults now so now
we have triggers so now if I have this pattern my mom is very
passive-aggressive and very sarcastic and so I’m wired and I’m hyper vigilant
because my brain is trying to do me a favor it’s keeping me on guard for what
I know and I have identified as threatening I’m not crazy because I’m
hyper aware of sarcastic people what I’m not my brain is doing the right thing
Danger Danger Danger what I have to use my prefrontal cortex down and I have to
understand that this danger danger danger is my focal point it is my point
of Attraction I write about with want I write about it in quantum tools to help
you heal your life now your emotional setpoint is your attracting point huge
dear ones gotta get out of the amygdala to understand what I just said you have
to connect to prefrontal cortex that’s what all my videos are about helping you
master and gain control over your mind so that these people that have abused
you no longer have emotional control over you and you get to be free and you
find your purpose purpose is to fly your purpose is to
become love and light why so that you can become a conduit a pure love energy
so that you can transcend this pain so that you can become a beacon of light
for other people your children will watch you ascend they might hate you now
because they’re stuck in the pattern the suck of the program that’s okay mommy
daddy just keep getting better because eventually they will see joy in
you it will you would be illuminated it would be impossible impossible for them
not to see the joy on your face the acceptance and the surrender and and and
the love that you that you emit so you just stay that is your purpose that’s
another point we need purpose alright but I’m going back to the UM the
amygdala so understand the ones that the amygdala stores stores patterns and the
amygdala has been hyper aware since for children and we have not learned we have
not learned to think with the prefrontal cortex but information like this gets
the prefrontal cortex activated you know for the rest of the video if you guys do
this awesome awesome awesome tap that prefrontal cortex
you know it’ll help you stay connected like I got to think here I can’t think
here I got to think here blinders this is where the amygdala is in the temporal
lobe epileptics get out of the amygdala sounds bizarre but you know to me so now
um Navy SEAL training the when they were Panero scientists they discovered that
there were four key areas that helped Navy SEALs that increase the odds of
Navy SEALs fulfilling this program so the Navy SEALs think about what a Navy
SEAL has to do a Navy SEAL is under complete total stress but he has to be
able or she has to be able to override the stress response so a typical stress
response is tied to adrenaline cortisol now the brainstem gets highly activated
and the brain wants to either wants to send signals to flee or fight fight or
flee when we’re children we can do neither
so we freeze so there are a lot of people that when this flood of
adrenaline comes in it hinders the ability of the
prefrontal cortex to make decisions so lots of people freeze I’m guilty of that
so many times people said things to me in my life and I just froze because they
wounded me and all this adrenaline shot in my system and I was just frozen I
didn’t have the skills to react in a way that was really positive and in my best
interest so I’m sure a lot of you can relate to that feeling stuck and frozen
and waiting for the elephant to slide back under the rug so what they came up
with I repeated its goal setting okay if you want to be mentally tough around
your family of origin this is going to help you goal-setting mental on
rehearsal which is visualization self-talk and what is this one Oh
arousal control which is we control arousal through breathing so let me
break it down to you goal setting so um having short term goals brings order to
chaos so if you’re living with parents who are
narcissistic and you know they’re abusive right if you don’t set a goal
and it could be as simple as I’m going to go brush my teeth so what happens is
you commandeer the brain you can’t you give your brain direction you give order
to this chaos it’s not about long term goals most when
you’re in when you’re in a traumatic situation like now it’s about short term
goals that brings order to the mental field so I’m going to go brush my teeth
you brush your teeth I’m going to clean out the sink I’m spray out spray down
the sink wipe it down I’m going to clean the floor again it has an easel in the
floor I’m going to go change my clothes you go change your clothes I am going to
get in my car in the car I’m going to go to the grocery store the grocery store
going to find the first spot I can find okay go to if you find your spot I’m
going to buy my apples in my banana and mature gotta bread butter it up so
it literally is taking control and I say it all the time over your mental field
you’re bringing chaos to the currency are you bringing order to the current
situation if you give them the habit of setting goals eventually you’ll feel
calm it’s all about overriding the panic response if you are panicked you can’t
think straight if you’re panicked you cannot grow the neural associations that
you need the wiring you need to the prefrontal cortex so you’ve got to your
goal must be to calm the mental field mom’s going apeshit
okay calm the mental field your ex-husband or husband’s going going
don’t laugh it’ll calm your mental field do whatever you can to calm and mental
field great way to do that is goal-setting so and you don’t want to
give up you know when things are going rough you don’t
want to give up because the minute things start to calm down you’re going
to eat yourself so don’t make split minute decisions to bail or go back to a
narcissist when things are getting tough stick it out stick it out as soon as you
know the dust settles you’re going to be so happy you stuck it out so let’s say
you bail in the middle of a tough situation you go back to narcissist you
deny yourself your name you know once the dust settles and no one is screaming
it more you’re going to eat yourself so stick it out so um the second thing is
mental rehearsals now what the Navy SEALs do which is very interesting is
they have the Navy SEALs rehearse worst-case situations all the time it’s
so what happens is it’s not like that when they’re let’s say the dropped out
of an air a helicopter and there are terrorists on the ground or on the beach
and then coming out of nowhere so Navy SEAL has practiced this scenario many
times over so there is no panic there’s no element of surprise
you know I got this Navy SEALs like I got this you know so so that’s how they
use it I want you to use it a little differently I want you to because I
believe in the law vibration the law of attraction so
um what I want you to do is I want you to visualize having those conversations
with mom and but not attached to an outcome I want you to become
desensitized to hearing the word know you’re battling your ex-husband in court
over child support I want you to or or alimony I want you to visualize it
working out but not attached the outcome so it sounds like this non-attachment
outcome it would be really great if when I showed up in court today it was just a
very easy process it’d be awesome if you know my ex-husband was you know very
amicable it would be great if I felt heard in court I hope that there’s not a
lot of chaos in the courtroom today I hope that I’m one of the first cases
that get heard you know I hope the kids are okay with my sister today you know
um I hope that we have nice weather I hope that this isn’t a joint out process
so it’s visualizing the desired outcome not attached to an outcome not attached
to it so it’s all about going general Esther Hicks says go general because
when you attach to an outcome you create a cinder block so you’re saying it has
to be this way and guess what happens if it shows up any other way you’re going
to be pissed off so now you’re in a negative vibration it’s all about paying
attention to your vibration and going from so if you’re down here and you’re
like whoa if you’re down wait a minute if you’re down here with your vibration
and we want you up here what we want to do is we want to find ways to get you to
be able to take take control of your vibration so you can get higher and
higher and higher so go in general help to ascend attaching to it now come
dropped you down because it doesn’t work out that way you’re in a negative
situation okay hope you’re writing this stuff down um so this the third thing is
self-talk fascinating piece of information the average human being has
300 to me just make sure I get this I believe it’s anywhere from 300 yet to
1,000 words per minute per minute um pass through the mental field 300 to
1000 words per minute pass through the mental field imagine dear one if you
took responsibility for that now my kidding imagine if you if you took
responsibility for those words that were flashing across your mental field Navy
SEALs do it if they can do it you can do it if they do if they can do it and if
it’s good enough for them it’s good enough for you it’s good enough for me
this personally I think we should be teaching kids you know in in nursery
school how to do this and teach them that they can flow their consciousness
I call it fyf flow your focus so it sounds like this and every time you find
that your mind drops I was just you know I just blew out my hair before and I’m
blowing out my hair it’s something I do all the time and so I find that I don’t
need a whole lot of attention to do it mental clarity to do it and sure enough
when I’m blow-drying my hair doing something mundane my consciousness drops
and these thoughts that aren’t even mine begins to surface because the brain the
brain well the mental field just it’s like
it’s like it’s like the sky holds a cloud the brain holds thoughts and the
brain can only play with the clouds that are in the sky or the brain can only
play with the tools that are in the shed so but you have a choice because you’re
a conscious evolved human being so you get to choose what thoughts are in this
mental field but imagine dear one if you said huh three hundred to a
thousand words per minute pass through my conscious feel oh my god no wonder I
named myself I am constantly talking about what’s not going to happen you
know I know that before I gained control over my mind I was thinking you know
what when he says this that I’m gonna do that when she does this I’m gonna do
that oh yeah I know what she’s thinking she said this but she meant that I was
driving myself crazy and I was actually using visualization to
my disadvantage to my disadvantage I felt critical of myself because
everyone was critical of me I thought people were talking about me because I
they did because I grew up with people talking about me and making me feel less
than so I wasn’t crazy for thinking that other people were talking about me that
was a fact that was a fact I didn’t know at the time that I had control over
whether or not I made that an important aspect of my life so when I accepted
that people were talking about me and when I accepted that was evidence of
their loss than their low level of self-awareness it was easier to let it
go so um we need positive self-talk so what’s that sound like so that sounds
like I tell them I tell all my clients and those that that need that um that
take part in my teleclasses and group coaching classes we experiment it’s
positive self-talk so we’re driving in the car and it’s now I do this
that’s a beautiful train I love this music that little girls so beautiful oh
my god I love the color of that balloon wow that’s a great pair of shoes wow
that’s a great car I’d love to own that car one day Wow look at that house and I
wonder what that what the foyer of that house looks like I love her hair I wish
my hair was that color that’d be awesome um oh that’s a nice-looking couple they
look so happy I deliberately do that because I want to a maintain my
vibration and and keep it higher and I also want to send information to my
brain that tells it what I want to experience in my life the brain needs a
target that’s how the subconscious mind works
you give your brain a target and it goes to work for you the universe conspires
to meet you and you will start to manifest differently so take control
over yourself talk so when Navy SEALs are in the jungle they are not saying I
can’t do this if they hear themselves saying I can’t they go to yes I can’t I
can do I can do I can do I can get to that next mile I can get to breakfast I
can get to this next drill I again short term goals go up short term goals
I can swim to that buoy I can get my partner over that Ridge I can make it to
that tree I can now make it to the next tree
I can now so it’s I can do verses I can’t do imagine if you took
responsibility for that imagine it would be amazing so remember you’re
downloading consciousness downloads the brain and gives it direction so the
fourth thing that the Navy SEALs do and their elite training is arousal control
so what they teach their seals is to control their breathing very long
expirations that helps control the panic button in the body that helps to
override the impulses of the amygdala which is panic and fear they use all of
these techniques to help Navy SEALs especially pass their water training so
what does what they do what the coaches do is they they put these Navy SEALs in
pools of water and then they then the coach comes down and undoes their oxygen
hose and the Navy SEALs got to stay calm so very slow breathing I can do this
I’ve got this all I’ve got to do is undo this wire undo this hose then put the
mask back on again very short goals that’s what helps these seals get
through this training so imagine if you set incremental goals every day every
day small goals every day imagine if you were teaching your mind to come forward
that creates forward moving momentum dear ones I don’t care how men dating
the goal is just set a bowl and achieve it and it will grow it will it will it’s
like that song you know just put one foot in front of the other and soon
you’ll be walking out the door so imagine if you set small goals every day
and that was your purpose every day imagine if you instead of rehearsing and
beating the drum of situations who don’t want to happen like I know my boss is
going to say no I know I’m not going to get that job I know not qualified for
that job so much that was so much more qualified for the job I know she was
being a bitch when she wrote that wrote me up
I knew she did I know she did it on purpose I know she’s talking about it
behind my back um imagine if your your visualization
shifted to I know she’s talking about my about me behind my back but that’s okay
I can’t control comes out of other people’s mouths it would be really nice
if she started picking out somebody else you know or it would be really nice if
she got transferred that would be awesome it would really be nice if I was
completely unaffected by how she felt about me it would really be nice if her
attitude change that would be awesome it would really be nice if I got a raise
at work without having to ask for it so that’s your playing that’s part –
that’s your taking care of your mental visualizations part three is the
positive self-talk imagine if you took control that’s like I think I think I
heard somewhere that that was like 270 oh actually those are impulses impulses
travel through nerve impulses once your amygdala Mikula senses fear nerve
impulses travel through your body at 270 miles per hour that’s incredible that’s
insane so that’s why we have to be mentally
tough when we’re in these situations with others because we are pattern to
react and we have to get out of that state of reactivity and these tools will
help you so number one is a goal-setting number two is the mental reversal number
three is self-talk remember you’re speaking 3.3 hundred to a thousand words
per minute to yourself take control over that and the foreign thing is aroused
arousal control which is what I coach my clients on is that’s why I think
meditation is so important you must slow down the mental field so if I’m five
come out of a meditation and I’m you know am you shit I’m very calm and I
stubbed my toe my reaction to stubbing my toe is going to be a lot more
controlled and a lot less ah dammit and we’ll do that because I will have taken
myself back and now I’m in control over my reaction so I really hope dear ones
that this information inspires you to do your own work I keep all my information
in in binders just like this well like this I find something that’s fascinating
about the brain I write it down it’s your responsibility to take care of your
vehicle which is your body and it’s your responsibility to take control over your
brain or your mind it’s your responsibility to take care of your soul
you don’t worry about other people you have a specific purpose if you’ve been
led to this information know that I am a manifestation of what’s resonating in
you or this information is a manifestation of what’s resonating in
you if you are hearing the message you’re meant to hear it now will you act
on it it’s a bet that’s all up to you so dear ones I hope this has inspired you
my purpose is to bring information to you as I receive it why because it
brings more love and light to my planet and I believe in sowing climb exceeds
now all I can why because I will not be here one day
physically and my children will and my grandchildren will and my
great-grandchildren will and so I believe in investing in myself and
becoming as much love and light as possible and helping you become as much
love and as much light as possible so that we can keep the planetary
vibrations high and notice also children that are being born now are being born
enlightened they’re coming in now the more of us in my opinion the more and
this is something that’s just I believe the more of us who awaken the more of us
who stay turned on and enlightened the more children that are going to be born
enlightened because children coming and we’ll match the vibrations of the
souls that are here so it is that was your purpose dear one I don’t care how
bad your life is right now you have a purpose your life matters even if nobody
in your experience ever tells you that your life matters
dear one it is my honor to be your break through life coach I look forward to
your emails that keep me inspired for those of you who are interested in
taking part in my next teleclass you can reach me at healing self-esteem calm my
loving the self affirmations – at is published I don’t know when it’s going
to be available on Kindle and Amazon but an iPad and the Nook but as soon as it’s
available I will send you a shout out on Google+ if you’re not on my Google+
community please look me up Google+ adult children of alcoholics for
dependents and empaths stuck in the past no more now to say bye


100 Responses

  1. True WingChun

    September 8, 2015 9:09 am

    Buddha said that humanities greatest suffering comes from Attachment.

    Which can also mean, expectations. If you expect (attach) a result… when you do not get that result, you feel self created pain. If you strive for, and achieve "Contentment", you are ok and appreciative of what you have now. You may be happier if you get what you desire… but you are not so attached that you feel bad when you do not have, or do not get it.

  2. True WingChun

    September 8, 2015 9:38 am

    The best way to control the mind.. is to first tame the Subconscious. The only real way to do this… is to start a program of daily meditation. Its a process of about 2 to 3 months. Need to work up to 1 hr minimum each day. Usually best in quiet times, such as 1hr before normal bedtime.. or the time when you first wake up. Any time when its quiet enough to not have any distractions.

    The easiest meditation, is simply do count your breath. Breath long and slow deep breaths… in through the nose, out the mouth. As you breath… pay attention to the feeling of the air rushing in and out. Also, start counting Upwards.. however long it takes to breath in. I like to visualize writing the numbers in the sand. One-Onethousand, Two-Onethousand…etc. When you breath out… make sure you are still counting from 1 upwards. Never in reverse… as timing my not be the same. Eventually, you will notice these numbers rising. That shows your O2 content in your body is increasing. Your health will improve as a result. You can also add pauses before and after your breath in and out.. just make sure that you are not straining when doing so. You want to remain as relaxed as possible.

    If your body has not moved in about 7 min. (The most impacting meditation should be done laying flat on the back, with eyes closed, and arms at your sides. No music) your body will start to shut itself down to prepare for sleep mode. If you tired to move after this point… you may be freaked out.. .because your limbs may not respond for several seconds… and even then, they will feel slow and heavy for a while. This is natural.

    If you can maintain your meditation consciousness past the body shutting.. you have hit a good milestone. You are now sharing the room with the subconscious… to a certain degree. The Sub.C. is usually fully in control at this point… and it usually would be doing its own things… like working up some crazy dream.

    The Sub.c is like a bunch of puppies. They are totally out of control… and they hate sitting still. The breathing, counting, and visualization.. keep them from moving. They may try to make you Itch, move, etc… as well as try to make your thoughts wander. Keep up the fight. Eventually, the pups will start to be easier and easier to discipline.. and they will soon be broken… awaiting your every command. Working for you, instead of against you.

    When this happens.. at the two or three month marker.. it will be permanent. Your brain is now forever disciplined. You have greater control of your thoughts. You can turn your minds thoughts pretty much Off. Imagine not having a single sound to disturb your life experiences. No more negativity. No more labeling things. Just purely listening to the world.. seeing its full beauty and joy.

    You are now living in the "Present" the Gift. Fully and completely. Unlike most people.. whom live mostly inside of their heads. Either re-living the past… or trying to hard to think / worry about the future. Living in the past will never change it… and it detracts from your life here and now. A waste of time, energy, and focus. Trying to think about tomorrow.. or further… is mostly futile.. because the future is too unpredictable. Sure… you want to do your best to achieve your goals.. but you dont want to spend most of your life away… making up, or thinking about things… that may or may not happen. Rather, do your best today.. to strengthen yourself. Eventually, the efforts will pay off… and you will attain success in all the areas you have applied yourself into.

    There's some other profound things that happen in Meditation as well. I wont get into that. I will just say, that once you brain changes… you can always stop meditation. The changes are permanent once you reach that level. And you will easily know when you get to it.

    FYI – Scientists had done a study recently, putting people into an MRI before and after a few months of meditation. The people whom just let their minds wander… had no change. The people whom practiced the meditation… had an actual physical change. Their brains actually grew in density and connections. Research into the many countless benefits… its amazing stuff. I also personally believe, that Prayer.. is pretty much a watered down version of what Meditation is.

    Its life changing. The best thing Ive done in my entire life.

    If you are still on the fence… try an Audio guided meditation. Barrie Konicov makes some great ones. They can help get you to feel good about the stuff.. and give you the benefit and interest, to try self meditation. Self Meditation, will always be far superior in results.

    Best Regards,

  3. David Hyde

    September 19, 2015 9:05 pm

    It's all mind over matter because in the world of a sociopathic narcissist your mind doesn't matter know your place until you are summoned to serve the purpose you were born to give happiness and obedience To or pay the consequences

  4. yorkandpomona

    September 24, 2015 3:42 am

    wow. my obsession to be needed. I am an acoa. I am trying to really get into my recovery, but I am struggling so much. I have a hard time, and feel lost, and scared. I suffer from such bad depression and anxiety and out of desperation I have been seeking out more and more help. Thank you for making these videos.

  5. Tina Wells

    October 7, 2015 3:22 am

    I just watched some of your videos, this was my favorite. Most awesome message! Thank you, Lisa. I will continue to follow you.

  6. dakota38rip+

    October 12, 2015 8:14 pm

    I have recently been diagnosed with c-ptsd from decades of childhood trauma from two narcissistic parents. Im in a real bad situation im binge drinking isolating myself i lost my job barely have a roof over my head which might soon come to an end. I feel like pandoras box has been opened and im about to be 40 and now everything makes sense but is so devastating at the same time. I have sabotaged my life over and over again. I realized this image of myself not being worthy of anything good as far as life successes started at a very young age. Some of the most damaging things they did were recent two faced sabotages by both my parents to protect other bad people. I finally cut all ties I cant believe i always in some subserviant way like im brainwashed keep subjecting myself to theyre abuse. I hope i can figure this out because im not in a good place I feel completely alone and its really out of character to reach out let alone online i guess its a bit of desperation I cant carry all this hell anymore. All the depression all the anxiety all the negativity thank you for these techniques but im praying for for what seems to be a miracle or some sort of hope in my life to push on.

  7. Dee Annie

    October 13, 2015 7:38 pm

    My estranged husband was always there, hiding in the bedroom or the office waiting for me to go to him & validate him. When I complained, he always said I should be thankful that he was not out at a bar drinking. All the while I am doing all the domestic stuff for 4 people, to try to keep everyone happy, & make their life easier. Bur never geting validated for everything I did.

  8. Denny Hager

    October 23, 2015 2:08 am

    Marlene Hager to Lisa Romano, I was watching you tap your forehead where the frontal lobe is. This is where I fell when I was 2 years old. If you can figure this out you deserve a medal. I was being carried by a baby sitter on her shoulders, she tripped and I fell forward hitting my forehead to the cement sidewalk. My mother just came back and saw what looked like an egg about 3 inches long and 2" wide. They took me to the hospital and put a needle and extracted it out. I'm 65 now and still have a slight bump there. When I came home from the hospital I was aggressive and I started to draw and do watercolors, but not like a child. I was depressed and angry and didn't talk much. My mother was a typical narcissist. She belittled me constantly. Our landlady said to my mother " I have never seen this child smile". By the time I was 7 it was apparent that something was wrong. I would cry most of the day for a few days and then stop. I would spend all my time drawing portraits. Later I got an accordion and took off running with that. I thought if I could wow her with something she would like or even love me. I call this "performing for approval". I would play the piano or accordion for 12 hours a day or paint 12 hours a day. It felt like I was running to catch up. At age 7 we were told that I had epilepsy, not the kind where I foamed at the mouth or rolled on the floor. It felt like an electrical storm in my mind and I couldn't think and felt like crying. People thought I was just emotional and it passed in a few minutes. I've been reading borderline personality for about a year and epilepsy and found that they are connected. I had a child and spent very little time with her because all I did was play the piano 7 to 12 hours a day. I understand now why she hates me. I asked her 2 oldest children " do you know anyone that is a narcissist"? and they both answered "MOM". I could see it and so could they. She was repeating my pattern. I'm not a narcissist. I'm a borderline and co-dependent. The children are acting out now. My poor grand children. I love to smother them with love and they tell me "don't touch me" which their mother says too. I have stayed away from her for a year now. I'm starting to feel better now. I plan to connect with my grand daughter who is 9 and we will paint together. When we paint together, we feel connected and loving towards each other. That's the plan. I miss these children, but not my daughter because she is mean, won't talk to me and has never said a kind word to me even though I have said "I'm sorry" countless times. I think she gets off on my begging for forgiveness. Thank you for all your help Lisa. You're helping a lot of people.

  9. Lainey Bee

    October 30, 2015 1:21 am

    every time I catch myself reversing back to the old way of thinking, I watch your videos and it helps me tap back in to my new life! I am thirsty for this fountain's water, Lisa! (NO KOOLAID!) thank you for doing these videos! and my spirit's "fountain of youth"

  10. M gmail

    November 19, 2015 4:36 pm

    Probably won't get any response, but I could use a word of support or advice. Mother as has for decades chose to spend Thanksgiving with her golden children, knowing I'd be alone as in middle of divorce and H left the state which I'm new to (so no friends) months ago. Mother sent as consolation prize an old pair of plastic sandals with straps broken on both feet – and she spent $12 to mail. Knowing she gives golden children and their spouses (who are both extremely wealthy unlike me) normal costly unused gifts, I'm having a hard time not taking my "gift" and her usual desertion as a sign that I'm not worth anything. Oh and she claims she never wanted to send the shoes but that I made her do it (from 3000 miles away and knowing her shoes never fit me). Any help out there?

  11. pearlgenuine

    November 25, 2015 2:49 am

    Thank u so much Lisa..I learn so much from u..I am grateful that u are sharing this and helping so many of us..

  12. Angels Hovernear

    December 26, 2015 5:47 am

    Well I sure wasn't expecting this…so good! Thank you. It is all such a mind f*ck …I just want to be free….

  13. Tracy Williams

    December 31, 2015 11:04 pm

    you got game being in recovery i do a lot of the things you talked about in this vid guess i will work on medatation now

  14. I'm listening

    January 1, 2016 8:37 am

    This is the first time I've listened to you and enjoyed your presentation and learned a lot. Thank you for taking the time to make this video. I didn't understand WHY I did some of the things I did (!), one type of self – talk that I use often is "I can do anything for X amount of time!" This particular sentence helps me very much. Re: stumbling toe…"This is NOT the worst thing I have ever felt. I can tolerate this level of discomfort for (example) 2 hours until I get home and can soak it." I have much to learn, but self – talk has changed and saved my life. Thank you.

  15. Thor Gwen

    January 9, 2016 2:27 pm

    A real expert has lived through the life experience and gained the skills they need to remove themselves from the negative situation. Your an amazing teacher, lady and healer. Thankyou for you wisdom through your life experience.. So much more accurate than any book..

  16. Michelle Scott

    January 21, 2016 9:03 pm

    Great idea for video! Could you do one on setting boundaries & asserting them please? I don't know how….

  17. Michelle Scott

    January 21, 2016 9:09 pm

    Lisa, what do you do if you can't remember most of your childhood? In fact, any time something big happened in my life I lose most of that memory….how should I deal with that? Should I try to remember or is this a protection thing? Ty

  18. Chelcy Sunderland

    February 1, 2016 7:19 am

    Wow! Thank you! So much information to take in! My brain is tired hehe! Thanks! So helpful! So needed this!

  19. Dimitra Kalogeropoulou

    February 24, 2016 1:50 pm

    Dear Lisa ! You are a life saver!!!!!!! Thank you ,thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!! <3 The last days which I've been watching your videos ,a great pain and a great relief came out of me!!! God bless you !!!! <3

  20. April Dawn

    March 8, 2016 5:13 pm

    you lift me up! you enlighten me! this video resonates with me and I appreciate you. looking forward to hearing more videos from you. thank you 😌

  21. gorilla twist

    March 21, 2016 1:50 pm

    LISA– Thank you so much for speaking the truth– for filling in the blanks of years of absent people pretending to be there,,, when they are not.

  22. Monica

    June 11, 2016 4:59 pm

    The second you said "Gaslighting" my heart skipped a beat. In an odd way I was over the moon. I had learned about gaslighting earlier this year and knew because I had been gaslighted my entire life I had so many issues. Yesterday I became very aware and motivated to find coping mechanisms and tools to stop allowing myself to be gaslighted (hence how I found your channel) and I am SO happy to have come across this video. Thank you so much Lisa!

  23. Loving Life

    June 13, 2016 7:12 pm

    Had to watch a couple times for it to sink in, but this video resonates with me. The light turned on!

  24. Nora J.

    June 27, 2016 5:44 am

    Thanks Lisa! Loved what you have to say. Its really inspiring get to see highly aware people in this world that spread the light. Keep it up, you touched my soul and made me feel better, thank you ❤

  25. Treena Fleming

    June 30, 2016 12:14 am

    I have been doubly abused by my mother and father of origin. My mother neglected me and still doesn't respond to me in a healthy way to let me know she understands me and / or gives me feedback. My father is a narcissit who has stage 4 cancer and uses it to manipulate and control my actions. I had to decided to let him go or jusst take even more space. It is tough.
    My Mother I really don't know what to do. I have been devastated by an interaction that opened up a whole bunch of wounds which involved my mom, grandmother and my daughter. I feel a bit lost perhaps some suggestions on videos you have or info would be helpful.

  26. Esther Fawcett-Wolf

    July 10, 2016 7:39 pm

    …being present to such an extend seems supernatural. With all the giving there has got to be self preservation. Taking turns in listening an speaking is good practise for professional life. Being constantly open makes you numb.

  27. Nancy Beth

    July 26, 2016 6:54 pm

    I just love the navy seal visual analogy of small goals. It took many years for me to realize that I am a visual learner, as words don't always do it for me. I get lost. So picturing a navy seal getting THRU by using even the smallest of goals (as we all must get THRU to come out better and safer on the other side). This instantly makes me feel stronger, as what could possibly be stronger than a navy seal (other than God the Ninja Spirit — LOL)! Just knowing every navy seal's approach towards mental and physical tasks are taken one SMALL goal at a time empowers me!

  28. Liang Christina

    September 8, 2016 8:27 am

    what is amazing is, I listen to this long time ago, now listen to it again I resonate with it in a higher level.

  29. feelflowfree

    September 24, 2016 9:10 pm

    Lisa, thank you so much for all of your work. You have helped me tremendously on my path of healing form narcissistic abuse and self-love deficiency. I resonated with everything you said in this video. It's good to have concrete actions to take on this journey. I really never knew what my life purpose was, but I know now it's about sowing karmic seeds of light and love. That is the legacy I will leave behind. Blessings to you and your family. 💕💕💕

  30. Becky Lytle

    October 13, 2016 2:34 am

    This video is so amazingly helpful! These tips are so relevant and I'm going to implement them right away. Definitely going to view this video over and over as I work on overcoming my codependent personality. Thank you!

  31. kali wander

    November 25, 2016 10:49 am

    Dear Lisa. Can you recommend any book about neuroscience, which explains more about the frontal cortex and how the brain works to go deeper into the material of copedendency/ trauma healing? Thank you very very much <3
    By the way, I love your diagrams .

  32. Donna M

    January 8, 2017 7:55 pm

    I love this I think about how the Bible says to bring our thoughts captive. This is so healing and amazing to see how God tries to help us when we cannot help ourselves. You have amazingly helped me understand my pattern of constantly returning to the abuse.

  33. Dunja Kovacevic

    January 30, 2017 12:20 am

    I liked this very much until you came to the law of attraction. I think I am going to stick to the navy seals. And I also dont want to never ever get pissed off. 🙂

  34. Laura Dee

    March 2, 2017 11:33 am

    Learning to really have a healthy regard (love, or whatever you feel comfortable calling it) for yourself is so key. Those of us who became aware of our Narcissistic Mothers and their dynamics and survived are lucky, but end up with a long road of recovery ahead. Awareness, mindfulness and learning the difference between selfishness (like our Narcmoms possessed) and self preserving is so important. There's so much freedom in loving your time alone and being comfortable alone with yourself, there's no lacking, except for the feeling of loneliness. You can be dang sure loneliness is what you're going to feel if you're with a narcissist in any capacity. If you're in a "love" situation, you can be lying an arm's length away and feel lonely – The WORST kind of loneliness ever.. If you're with them, they're physically there, and you feel lonely, that sucks. You'll get used to being alone, and then when you meet someone who you don't feel alone around or smothered by the love bombing, you're free to give it a minute or a week or however long you want til you see that person again. Take that time to enjoy your time to think things over, sometimes something takes a week to sink in, depending on the degree of your awareness/denial/other defenses and the covert nature of the could be narcissist.

  35. reSunator Chang

    March 11, 2017 5:04 am

    The information is great as always but the way Lisa talks feels really angry and it's somewhat triggering for me to listen to. I feel my heart hurting when I listen to Lisa speaks and it's uncomfortable. I love the info but just cant keep listening to save my feelings. Thank you for putting yourself out there and helping the ppl you are meant to help.

  36. mariza

    April 1, 2017 5:50 pm

    I don't know in my personal life anyone that is as cruel as my narcissist mother. My 5 year old niece called her "monster" and everyone avoids her and I grew up with her and after my divorce I ended up with a cruel guy same as her. Then is where I discovered that both are narcissists and I needed to stop all this pathology which was causing me to want to die.
    I started educating myself and I started feeling "normal" and relief in amazing ways.
    I am in the process of healing and I will use soon EMDR to heal PTSDs That I have.


    April 8, 2017 2:11 pm

    its almost like you are saving myself from myself. i have a 5 year old little girl with a npd father. i grew up in a very disfunctional family. i have been so worried about failing my daughter i want to break this cycle. i have gotten to the point i dpnt even wanna look in the mirror. i cry every single day. i was in therapy for a little while last year and i told my therapist i have failed at EVERYTHING in my life ( im 44 ) i had my daughter late in life i told my therapist i have failed at everything i WILL NOT AND I CANNOT FAIL AT BEING A MOTHER!!!! I FEEL SO ALONE IN THI JOURNEY AS BEING A PARENT. AS SOON AS I HAD MY DAUGHTER HER FATHER ACTED LIKE WE DIDNT EXSIST HES VERY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. I HAVE BEEN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP FOR 16 YEARS I NEVER UNDERSTOOD NPD OR REALLY KNEW WHAT CODEPENDENCY WAS BUT DUE TO HIS BEHAVIORS AFTER OUR DAUGHTER WAS BORN I STARTED RESEARCHING NPD AND CODEPENDENCY. I WAS AND AM THE SCAPEGOAT IN MY FAMILY.I GOT INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP NOT REALIZING I WAS WITH A NPD MAN. YOUR VIDEOS ARE HELPING ME SO MUCH. I LOOK AT MY DAUGHTER EVERY SINGLE DAY THINKING I AM GOING TO BREAK THIS CYCLE IM READING BOOKS AND WATCHING YOUR VIDEOS. I FEEL LIME A SHELL OF A PERSON I AM NOT GIVING UP MY DAUGHTERS FUTURE RELIES UPON ME.

  38. Stacey The Sparkling Star

    April 25, 2017 3:05 am

    you're all good enough. im sorry for your pain. i can relate to Narcissistic abuse all my life . i struggle staying happy and motivated still..even with researching the past year and changing in a sense. check my channel out guys…lets connect😇❤

  39. Yelena Lebich

    April 25, 2017 3:47 am

    you are so smart and knowledgeable Lisa that I can barely keep up with all of the great things that you are sharing… sounds like I've found a new hobby of watching your videos… thank you so much for sharing such useful information with all of us. much love!

  40. Kristie Lindsay

    April 25, 2017 1:27 pm

    I've been unconsciously preparing myself for YEARS to receive your light, Lisa. So much gratitude for your message of hope! The suffering I've gone through has been done so for the purpose to manifest intense joy. I gave birth to 2 enlightened children. In so doing, I have learned to take control of my experience in order to nurture myself and my children. My purpose. So much love. Namaste!

  41. Kat Kathy

    April 7, 2018 12:11 am

    I spoke with a group of narcissist demons in a night vision and they told me "we are just doing our job" This is the way that I understand it. To love your neighbor as you love yourself you have to love yourself… "The enemy cannot enter where there's no open door" and doors are boundaries. Meaning, when you truly start loving yourself you stop loving code-pendently you start respecting yourself so you don't engage nor stay in abusive relationships. We are not as good as we think we are… We don't have enemies we have teachers. "The lesson" is to learn how to love unconditionally and we are definitely not doing so if we just can't be happy when we see them happy after they moved on. We planted the seed…. what if someone else enjoys the harvest???? Everything that the Lord created has a purpose. In other words we are the gold and Nacs are the fire that God uses to refined and prove our souls. When we fight back by using their manipulation tools etc or take vengeance we start turning and becoming dark meaning; our souls begin to die and that's how angel fall. That what loosing your soul truly mean. The battle is for our souls.

  42. Marcelle Pesek

    May 27, 2018 6:57 am

    Dear Lisa, this is my 2nd comment, as I've just been so impressed that I've been listening to you daily. Today
    was an especially low day, and what you said about bringing higher resonance and love to the planet (and all
    life on it), reinforced what I have been doing for the past year and a half. Yes, OUR LIVES MATTER, EVEN IF
    WHERE! Every day I ask God to please push me out of the house, appreciate the beauty, and smile, hug or
    pet those I meet. (With appropriate permission, of course). Light, love and harmony to all!

  43. S Burch

    June 18, 2018 4:31 pm

    I still get in the panic mode. Now I know when it’s happening. So when it happens, I take some deep breaths and tell myself ‘come on Star, rise above this, you can do it , rise above this’. I say this as much as I need to until I calm down. It works for me.

  44. Jessica Mckay

    July 26, 2018 1:01 pm

    I am flabergasted. Your the only person that brings peace and understanding to me. And what your talking about with kids is literally everything I have thought with my daughter. I did exactly just like u. Did all the right things told her she's incredible how much I love her but she isn't connected to me and it kills and I didn't know why. Mind blown!! You are truly gifted. Thank u so much Lisa

  45. Charlotte Rambling

    August 16, 2018 5:52 pm

    Lisa, you are saving me from going back, crawling back to my narcissist. I am so grateful to you! Every time I am tempted to break my No Contact goal, I watch one of your vids and turn away smiling and respecting myself again. You are a gift from God.

  46. Pearl White

    August 22, 2018 12:52 am

    would a narcissist be interested in self work and improvement, meditation, healing? …. Im having doubts about someone who had a very tough childhood and I cant figure out if they are codependent or a narcissist. There seems to be both. I know that he likes working on him self. Would that be a sing that he might not be a narcissist. Love your work LIsa, sending love <3

  47. Garima Heath

    August 28, 2018 5:40 am

    Lisa you are blowing my mind…. so many good ideas for me to apply here. My mind just got back online thinking about this. You are amazing.

  48. Pilar Plasczyk

    September 7, 2018 3:12 pm

    I am so impressed how you help us, the ones that couldn't figure it out our state of dependency. Thank you so much! I am connected to a community of my age group that I'd like to help to. How do I get to learn and he certified like you to help my Hispanic community that have these problems and don't know what to do with themselves? How do I help them to have the tools for that? Please help me on this. Keep strong and keep on growing! God bless you!

  49. Garima Heath

    September 13, 2018 4:23 pm

    You are a conduit of love and light Lisa. A beacon that we lost souls flock to, because we recognize what you talk about – in us.
    We get validation from you. What you felt, i felt too, but no one saw it. It is like learning a new language – a mother tongue.

  50. Risa Craig

    September 20, 2018 8:10 am

    I just love Lisa so much she is such a bright light. I feel I have learned sooo much and been so humbled in the short time I have been watching her videos. Love you all Thank you for your efforts and desire to grow and love!!

  51. Judy Nabakowski

    September 21, 2018 2:58 pm

    You're a gem!! I'm in tears listening to you describe this, knowing someone besides me "gets it". My adult children still rally around their father who's a "poor me", "feel sorry for me", "your mom left me", MANIPULATOR. The same kids that witnessed his silent treatment to me, emotional/ physical abuse and his corporal punishment of reason for divorcing him. I have SLE and struggled to take care of them financially. He never helped me support them after our divorce and encouraged them to lie to me about a myriad of things throughout their childhood. Our 13 yr old daughter was molested by a neighbor while visiting him and didn't tell me to protect HIM! My god!! She always shared all of her other trials and tribulations with me. Now, I struggle alone bc mom is the "strong one", the "warrior". I believe I'm somewhat of a counter-dependent now. It gets old being strong all the time. I'm trying to understand how 3 intelligent adults can still live under his guise.. I failed them miserably and have such immense guilt for choosing him as a father. Thank you for lending those of us who have been victimized credence and explaining it clearly and concisely.💜

  52. ash ahmad

    October 20, 2018 10:11 pm

    I can relate to everything in this video. These people have sabotaged every opportunity In my life and everything I've ever tried to do to move forward with my life. I'm not even exaggerating. I am naturally an independent person but these people make my life so hard just so I can depend on them. Who wants to live life being dependant on anyone?! And why would anyone want them to depend on them?! The world is a very selfish place to say the least…

  53. ash ahmad

    October 20, 2018 10:14 pm

    They also give out your personal information without your permission even if it costs you. You and your families safety.


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