Self Compassion

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To survive in this high pressured, crazy world most of us have to become highly adept at self-criticism. We learn how to tell ourselves off for our failures and for not working hard or smart enough. But so good are we at this that we’re sometimes in danger of falling prey to an excessive form of self-criticism What we might call self-flagellation a rather dangerous state which just ushers in depression and under-performance. We might simply lose the will to get out of bed. For those moments, we need a corrective. We need to carve out time for an emotional state of which many of us are profoundly suspicious. Self-compassion. We’re suspicious because that sounds horribly close to self-pity But because depression and self-hatred are serious enemies of a good life, we need to appreciate the role of self-care in a good, ambitious and fruitful life. To this end we can perform what we’ve called a, “self-compassion exercise” A structured meditation, lasting 15 minutes or so Lying in bed, or perhaps a bath Turn over a sequence of thoughts that interrupt and correct the flow of your worse self-accusations. For a time adopt an entire kindly perspective on your setbacks The self compassion exercise goes like this: We’re so in love with success we fail to notice the scale of the challenges we routinely set ourselves. There is nothing remotely normal about what we’ve tried to achieve. We’ve failed, but given the mountain we were trying to climb, the conclusion doesn’t have to be that we’re simply flawless. We have tricky family histories, we all do. There were things which happened to us at the hands of others which can help to explain some of our current troubles. We’re not entirely sane or well, but none of us are. We weren’t well set up to carry out certain tasks It isn’t wholly our fault in the here and now. From the media, you’d think everyone was rich and famous and successful. But in reality, undramatic, quiet failure is by a huge margin the statistical norm. We shouldn’t tear ourselves apart for not managing to be to what were in truth, awesome odds. Tough, self-critical people don’t allow themselves the indulgence of believing in luck. They take responsibility for everything. They think winners make their own luck But they don’t for the most part. Luck is a genuine feature of existence We’re robbing ourselves of fair concilation By believing that we’re entirely in control, and therefore entirely to blame when we crash. You are not only your achievements. Status and material success are one bit of you. But there are others as well, those who loved you in childhood knew this, and in their best moments helped you to feel it. Rehearse the internalized voices of all those who have been kind to you. Bathe in the memory of a laugh independent of achievement. It seems it will never end That’s not the truth It’s just how a crisis feels. You need to reduce expectations to zero for a time. Take each new hour as it comes, and without being banal, what you need most of all, is some rest.

 

100 Responses

  1. Mariam Alhammadi

    December 30, 2018 4:43 pm

    I was so distracted watching the cute animation rather than listening 😂 she looked so adorable in the bath

    Reply
  2. James C

    January 11, 2019 10:20 am

    There's some nice advice in this video. I would add that just consciously telling ourselves some of these things sometimes isn't enough to actually change our beliefs.

    Saying affirmations to ourselves like "I'm not only my achievements" or "I'm loved" might be helpful, but sometimes we also have unconscious learnings that we need to discover and unlearn first, before we can really believe some of that stuff.

    Good therapy includes working with what's unconscious, so we can really adopt new beliefs that serve us better. But this is definitely some nice general advice.

    James james-cormack.com

    Reply
  3. Sa Ya

    January 21, 2019 8:41 am

    I liked this all except the last. Sure it will pass but another will take its place. How is that any consolation? Life can sometimes be one hardship after another, sometimes unbearably so.

    Reply
  4. Ramesh Kumaran

    March 3, 2019 8:41 pm

    Why then are those good people of our childhood days out of sight? Surely that is a problem area.They defined and moulded who you are in the first place. Later on many others came along, and then the first group went missing. Even their letters gifts photographs. All stolen.

    Reply
  5. Antisocial Freak

    March 12, 2019 4:14 pm

    EEEEEEEEEEEE Why did you put that sound? It sounds horrid, other than that….nice video.

    Reply
  6. nirmaleva

    March 25, 2019 3:50 pm

    For those of us who cannot bathe in the memory of love independent (or even dependent) on the memory of achievement, this is a very tough road. Some of us did not have nurturing attuned care givers. This is where my therapist has been helping re-parent me.

    Reply
  7. Brandy Yolidio

    April 5, 2019 3:56 am

    Yea this is me, I really do not like myself. I have tried and I'm not a bad person. I just ALWAYS feel like I should be doing more, even if I'm overwhelmed already. If I get 5 A's I should have gotten 7 or I lose 2lbs, I certainly should have done 5lbs or 6lbs. Neverending cycle of self hate

    Reply
  8. Gina Lentil

    May 24, 2019 7:00 am

    What's with the ducking noises? What's the point of soothing narrative if you are making fun of it by those disturbing noises

    Reply
  9. Abel Stearns

    May 24, 2019 4:03 pm

    This is an extremely excellent animation with excellent sound design. Remember these names:
    Directed by Joe Bichard

    Music and Sound by Skillbard

    Additional Voice Talent by Sophie Koko Gate

    Additional Animation by Joe Sparrow

    Reply
  10. Old is Gold

    May 29, 2019 1:49 am

    Last number is no excuses!
    Create a better life by yourself without giving up on the right things and value the small things.

    Reply
  11. Amer Alharthi

    June 2, 2019 9:08 am

    You don't really need to watch the whole video. Skip to 4:09 and you will know how compassion you could be to yourself.

    Reply
  12. sleepy head

    June 5, 2019 10:02 pm

    the duck seems like is her only friend ,and is so hilarious keeping her company even on climbing the mountain haha 🙂

    Reply
  13. Batshit Crazy

    June 13, 2019 11:19 am

    I loved the transition sounds. To hell with people who didn't like them. I am sure many loved them and you should continue adding more of such transition sounds in your future videos.

    Reply
  14. • I love Nothing but Peace so meh

    June 28, 2019 5:25 pm

    Self compassion seems like fun tho especially farthing in a bathtub lol.

    Reply
  15. Peach Plastic

    July 14, 2019 11:25 am

    3:28 "rehearse the internalised voices of all those who've been kind to you".
    see, that's the problem. who do you think taught me self-hatred?

    Reply
  16. A. Carelly Vazquez Venegas

    July 15, 2019 4:18 am

    This video is just simply awesome ❤️ I think everyone should watch it

    Reply
  17. jbela

    July 21, 2019 2:08 am

    Wow, how well does school of life know me? Just last week i was reading a book about self compassion!

    Reply
  18. Jeff Engel

    July 26, 2019 6:54 pm

    Self-pity has a bad reputation, but consider an opposite: self-pitilessness. That's mighty cruel and doesn't smack of healthy attitude either. Compassion's better in any case, but pity's not so terrible, whatever the target.

    Reply
  19. satyu131089

    July 28, 2019 10:15 pm

    What shit sound effects! Or may be the sound guy was showing himself too much self compassion?

    Reply
  20. Irenia Alvarez

    July 30, 2019 3:16 pm

    oh man, this animation gives me life. I just want to watch it and re watch it over and over again

    Reply
  21. Vero Sanz

    July 30, 2019 7:27 pm

    I just moved out of my parent's house to a big city for college. It's been a hard week, but this video somehow gave me some perspective. All the feelings I'm experiencing are normal, I just need to take it easy.

    Reply
  22. misspy1

    August 4, 2019 8:30 am

    This is hard to listen to as the background animation noise is not so ‘background’. Im not ‘watching’ the segment, only listening. And it’s intrusive.

    Reply
  23. Kawai Potato

    August 22, 2019 4:43 pm

    I just noticed this now, this channel puts subtitles in so many languages to reach more people. This is incredible.

    The content of this channel is amazing; I love it so much. It's my favorite channel, and this is coming from someone who can't choose between things.

    Reply
  24. Bruce Schneider

    August 22, 2019 5:53 pm

    3:50 "This too shall pass." That was one of my dad's two answers to everything. The other was, "You'll figure it out."

    He was right.

    Reply
  25. Elaf Mohamed

    September 1, 2019 9:50 pm

    1.the task is huge
    2.didnt get it
    3.no one is perfect
    4.luck is real you don't make it
    5 your achievements are only one of your several part
    6.reduce expectations and take a rest

    Reply
  26. Haily sOcRaTe

    November 11, 2019 5:01 pm

    This helped me just in time
    I felt Burned out today at my school for just having a lot to do and I felt that I am adopting to what I am being asked for and basically all of my Teachers expectations while they have no idea how you are living on daily basis. And I felt worn out for the sake of adopting to those silly expectations and comparing others to us.
    I came home wondering all day why I am so stressed out? And after watching this I can feel it.
    It’s just that you should not adopt to what they expect you and for winning medals or cups
    Especially with a system that ignores your capacity and being a you for most people self loathing

    Reply
  27. Beatriz Lloret Couples Therapy

    November 12, 2019 2:32 pm

    Please redo this video, such an important topic ruined by terrible, distracting, annoying animation/soundtrack

    Reply
  28. X W

    November 13, 2019 8:40 pm

    I just LOVE your channel so much! So so much, thank you for helping me understand more and thank you so much for these wonderful videos

    Reply
  29. judy carroll

    November 18, 2019 6:10 am

    do not like this new ”spiffy" presentation style. although a contemporary way of presenting material, the use of text shown on the screen while a narration is being presented makes focusing on the content of what is being said very difficult. i have always appreciated alain de botton"s simple elegance and clarity…..this new style is not honest….it is contrived and unfortunate….. cutesy and playing down to intelligent viewers.
    de botton's ideas are too valuable to miss!! what he says is too valuable to be lost in presentation.

    Reply
  30. Kristy Grovet

    November 22, 2019 9:24 pm

    I searched self compassion for kids and your video came up. It looked appropriate and students enjoy animation but you included bare jiggly boobs!! I cannot show this in class:(

    Reply

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